Thank you, Deedee Delerium, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about a recent survey that showed that seven out of 10 Americans did not like their jobs. Only seven? We so know what they're on about! We've had it up to here with temps who bitch about how they can't juggle three part-time jobs and sleep - the new economy isn't killing them: their own laziness is! And, don't even get us started about interns who moan that they're giving away all of their talent without even a hint of a promise that they will get work out of it when their terms are over! We tell you, it's malcontents like that who are poisoning America's workplaces!
Enjoy,Who's On The Witness Stand First?
INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
POLICE CHIEF BILL BLAIR is holding a press conference in a room full of journalists.
JOURNALIST: Can you tell us if Mayor Rob Ford is part of the Project Traveller Investigation?
BLAIR: No.
JOURNALIST: Alright the - oh, wait. Is that, no, he is not under investigation, or no, you cannot tell us whether or not he is under investigation.
BLAIR: I cannot tell you.
JOURNALIST: Oh. Fair enou - oh, hold on. Do you mean to say you cannot tell us whether or not he is under investigation or you cannot answer our question about whether or not he is under investigation?
BLAIR: I thought my answer was clear.
JOURNALIST: I'm a journalist - I need things spelled out.
BLAIR: I cannot tell you whether or not the Mayor is under investigation.
JOURNALIST: Why not?
BLAIR: I consulted a lawyer who told me it would be against the law.
JOURNALIST: Which lawyer?
BLAIR: I can't say.
JOURNALIST: Do you mean you're not allowed to tell us which lawyer, or that you don't...you know what? You're not going to get us to do that again. What law would confirming or denying whether you are investigating the Mayor contravene?
BLAIR: I couldn't say.
JOURNALIST: Oh, come on! Does that mean you don't know which law you would be contravening or -
BLAIR: We're out of time. Thanks for coming - I hope I have answered all of your questions.
JOURNALIST: Could you say that with less of a smirk?
BLAIR: I don't know. Could I...?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Time Makes Jokes Of Us All
Q: Is it too soon to make jokes about the flooding in Alberta being god's ironic comment on the contribution of the oil industry to global climate change?
A: Yes. Absolutely. Definitely. Undoubtedly. Yes, yes, hell yes.
Q: Even if it's true?
A: Especially if it's true.
Q: When will it be appropriate to make such a joke?
A: We should run out of oil in 100 years - make it 200 years just to be on the safe side.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=769&dir=bb]
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Representative's Remarks A Boon To Sonogram Fetishists Everywhere
Republican Texas Representative Michael Burgess might be on to something, here. Were the fetuses looking at tiny magazines of other naked fetuses when they were touching themselves? Is there, perhaps, a market for certain drugs - you know the ones I'm talking about - if fetuses can't pleasure themselves to the extent that they would like?
On the other hand, isn't masturbation a sin? Perhaps it would be best if onanistic fetuses were aborted - they would only cause trouble and misery if they were born!
On the other other hand, scientists say that nerve endings in fetuses don't develop until at least 23 to 30 weeks, which means they cannot feel pleasure (or pain or embarrassment, much like Republicans) after only 15 weeks, which would make the whole discussion ridiculous. Good thing the Bag of Crazy is impervious to, you know, facts and stuff!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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We're DOMAed! DOMAed, I Tells Ya! Head For The Hills!
Conservatives on the US Supreme Court fought the good fight, but, in the end, the most important elements of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) were struck down. Lock up your toaster ovens, people, because you know they're next to go down the aisle!
We do take exception to Justice Antonin Scalia, in defending the act, making the argument that not all people against gay marriage are foaming at the mouth faggot haters. While he may be technically correct, he does an injustice to those of us who supported DOMA because we were foaming at the mouth faggot haters! After all, it is our god and Constitutionally given right to foam at the mouth hate whomever we please, especially faggots.
Shame on you, Antonin, for abandoning our principles.
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Our Priorities Are...The Priorities That Are Ours
Quebec's language police watchdog has issued a statement insisting that it has not banned a certain type of frozen yogurt spoon. It has merely opened a yogurt spoon investigation. A number of major engineering firms — including global giant SNC-Lavalin — participated in a collusion scheme to raise the price of construction projects in Quebec, the head of one company testified Thursday at a provincial inquiry.
According to a statement: "Every time the OQLF opens a complaint file, a member of its staff goes to the spot to check the situation. To do that, they might take pictures, request documents or simply seek information from the business... After that, the OQLF analyzes the file and, if it sees a violation of the Charter of the French Language, it asks the business to take corrective measures."
"When someone asks you for a significant amount for political contributions, I guess it has to come from the party," said Michel Lalonde, president of Genius Conseil Inc., and the person a group of companies selected as a go-between with Montreal city officials.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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People Die, Then More People Die, Then The Survivors Go Out For Coffee And Donuts
Ackie, the AK-47 that was used to kill American troops in Syria last month, testified in Congress about its role in that country's burgeoning civil war.
"When the Americans first gave me to Syrian rebels," Ackie stated, "I was treated with respect. I was taken apart and my parts were cleaned every week. Good times. Then, the rebels I had been given to allied themselves with an Al Qaeda-trained group, and they took control of me. You can see the results - I'm rusting all over, here!"
When asked why he didn't balk at shooting at soldiers from the country that made him, Ackie indignantly said, "Hey! I was made to kill people! Point and click, man, that's how I operate. So easy, a child soldier could do it! The direction I'm aimed in - well, that's not up to me, is it? Honestly, do you even understand how war works?"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1806749801463637.xml]
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