Thank you, Chick Chandramandam, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the Nebraska school board that demanded that a three year-old child change his name. Apparently, when the deaf child uses Signing Exact English to spell his name, his hands look like guns. This action may sound extreme, but it's actually a reasonable compromise: the school board originally wanted to confiscate his fingers!
Enjoy,Think Of All The Serial Killers This Law Would Have Stopped!
A bill outlawing Halloween has been given royal assent.
"I thought to myself, 'Why just ban masks at riots or illegal gatherings of people when so many other criminals use them to hide their identities?" mused Conservative MP Blake Richards, the sponsor of the private member's bill. "I mean, did you see The Dark Knight? Or, what about the heartache that masked people cause? Did you ever see Dangerous Liaisons or just about any Shakespearean comedy? The world will be better without masks, I'm telling you!"
"But...but...but," objected Randy, aged seven, "where am I going to get my October candy rush?" When he was told that his October candy rush was just a sacrifice he would have to make to help combat crime, Randy responded, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2013/06/09/509727.html]
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Awkward Hilarity Ensues
Monday. Fox. 9:30. The Mork and Mindy Project. Mindy goes to a club to "relax" (which we all know really means: "fret about being single") and runs into four of her ex-boyfriends in succession. Meanwhile, her roommate Mork is no help as he has declared "Backwards Day," in which he...well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Which Mitch Is Witch?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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When The Story First Broke, He Was Like An Abdulkadir Caught In Headlights
The father of one of the men charged in the slaying of Anthony Smith said he believes his son is not connected to an alleged video that appears to show Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine.
"I brought my son up right," Abdulkadir Mohamed stated. "He may spend time with thieves, drug dealers and murders, but he would never have anything to do with...politicians!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1086691830813&call_pageid=927301978492&col=983726972154]
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Canadian Foreign Policy Laid Baird
MINISTER OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS JOHN BAIRD stands at a podium, speechifying, while a shadowy figure stands amid the curtains behind him.
JOHN BAIRD: We are cautiously optimistic -
BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: Deeply unimpressed.
BAIRD: Sorry - deeply unimpressed. We are deeply unimpressed by the recent Iranian elections. The election of a moderate -
NETANYAHU: Alleged moderate.
BAIRD: The election of an alleged moderate as Prime Minister does little -
NETANYAHU: Nothing.
BAIRD: Nothing to change its alleged -
NETANYAHU: Proven.
BAIRD: Proven intent to develop a nuclear bomb.
NETANYAHU: Arsenal.
BAIRD: A nuclear arsenal.
NETANYAHU: Thank you.
BAIRD: Thank you.
NETANYAHU: No. You didn't have to say that part.
BAIRD: No, you didn't have to say that part.
NETANYAHU: Canadians!
BAIRD: What?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Humour Is Such A Personal Thing (Unlike, Apparently, Abortion)
In an effort to make itself relevant to young people, the Republican Party has asked itself, "How do you make abortion funny?" Un hunh. It's true. A better question might be: "How do you make the GOP stop being a joke?"
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Diaper Change You Can't Believe In!
Montreal has chosen a new interim Mayor, the third person to hold the position in a year: four year-old Marcel Dube. "It wasn't easy finding somebody who hasn't been touched by the corruption scandal in the city," said Councilor Marie-Laure Crozier, "but we're confident that Marcel will be able to steer this city in a new, completely innocent direction."
Or, will he? There are already rumours that Dube gave "special considerations" to certain construction companies in Montreal in exchange for a steady supply of pacifiers and more frequent diaper changes...
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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He Doesn't Mean To Be Petty, But...
In response to fierce criticism of his government's Conservative policies, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory stated: "Let me tell you something. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers have always been one of my favorite groups. One of my favorite songs is 'I Won't Back Down.' Tom Tillis won't back down. Phil Berger won't back down. The Senate and the House won't back down. We want to change the status quo in state government and change this economy. That's what we're going to do."
In response, Tom Petty said, "Yeah. I'm really starting to regret ever having written that one..."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2013Jun11.html]
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Okay, Who Litmus The Fuse Of Religious Intolerance?
When Rendell Schmeisner, who has lived in the United States for over 30 years, decided to apply for citizenship, he was denied, apparently because he gets his morality from Satan.
When he got to the question in the citizenship form asking if he would be willing to take up arms to protect the country, Schmeisner wrote: "Would I? I will personally reach into the chests of America's enemies and pull out their still beating hearts! Then, I will eat them, taking our enemies' power as my own. I will happily call down the wrath of Satan (you know the drill: rain of blood, earth opening up to swallow whole armies, that sort of thing) upon those who would seek to destroy us. And, the best part? I will be willing to do this whether or not you make me a citizen!"
Does this country have a religious litmus test for citizenship? Does Lady Liberty's injunction to "give us your poor, your tired, your Satanic masses" mean nothing any more?
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=538&dir=bb]
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