Thank you, Howard "Zinff" Andell, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we couldn't help but wonder: do all god's children got rhythm? Seriously? All of them? Every single one? No child left behind? Because, frankly, Dmitri in shipping can't dance. When he tries, he looks like two sacks of potatoes grinding against each other. And, Mary the comptroller? She's great at her job - whatever that may be - but her attempts at dancing have blinded people who made the mistake of looking directly at them. All god's children got rhythm? We don't think so!
Enjoy,LOLCats At War: Medic? MEEEEEEDIC!
SOURCE: Les pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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United States Jailing Wrong Addicts
EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT
A well dressed GOVERNOR shivers against a wall. A HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE walks past, trying not to make eye contact.
GOVERNOR: Hey, man. Y...y...you holding, man?
HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE: (stops) Sorry. I can't help you.
GOVERNOR: You gotta help me, man. I...I don't think I can make it without your drugs.
HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE: Really, I don't have anything for you.
GOVERNOR: Just one hit of sodium thiopental, man. I swear - just one hit, and I'll quit!
HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE: I don't believe you.
GOVERNOR: I'm Jonesin' real bad to kill me a no account scum criminal, man! Come on! - help a poor state Governor out!
HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE: I told you, I'm no longer supplying you with sodium thiopental. You'll have to find another method of killing death row inmates.
GOVERNOR: I'll use Drano, man!
HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE: You're bluffing! The Supreme Court will rule that cruel and unusual punishment. (pause) Probably.
GOVERNOR: You don't fix me up, I'll use whatever it takes, man! I'm gonna kill me some convicts with or without your help!
HOSPIRA REPRESENTATIVE: Goddam junkies!
Hospira Representative walks away in disgust.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227473]
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Somehow, I Don't Think The Other Printers Will Do His Laundry...
So, Conrad Black wants to return to Canada once his prison sentence in the US has been served? Sounds good to me. As long as he is employed in the print shop of one of the newspapers he used to own. You know, one of the ones that no longer has union protection...
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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All The Jews That's Fit To Print
Greece is complying with Israel's request to stop a flotilla of peaceniks from going to Gaza. They are doing this because they have been given secret Israeli intel that proves that some people on the flotilla have been genetically engineered to let loose multi-megaton farts.
"These are not your cousin's chili farts," stated Greek foreign ministry spokesman Gregory Delavekouras. "These farts can level 10 story buildings from 100 yards away!"
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was reported to be laughing uproariously.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1298850997465]
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But, Is It Good For The News?
Councillor Doug Ford has suggested that Toronto may withhold hundreds of thousands of dollars in funding that had already been promised to organizers of the Pride Parade because some gay people somewhere in the city were thinking Israeli treatment of Palestinians bore some resemblance to South African Apartheid.
"Obviously, if the sneaky bastards are going to keep their thoughts in their heads, we can't know who they are," Ford commented, "but we know they're out there, and that's good enough for the Mayor."
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/life/advice/how-to-hook-up-and-be-awesome/]
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Bet That Looks Great On Letterhead!
The Canadian Jewish Congress has changed its name to better reflect its shifting position on the State of Israeli. It is now called the Israel Can Do No Wrong and Anybody Who Says Otherwise Is an Anti-Semite Council.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=1ick1eca-b6e6-3c06-bf9b-07b657cc32ec]
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He Doesn't Have A Legacy To Stand On
To celebrate its first anniversary, the G20 summit held in Toronto has been called "the most massive compromise of civil liberties in Canadian history."
"Take that, Trudeau, you socialist bastard!" a grinning Stephen Harper rejoiced. "Even the invocation of the War Measures Act doesn't measure up. My legacy will beat yours! Nyah nyah! Nyah nyah! I beat you!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1288001874213&call_pageid=
728360278492&col=968642472154]
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This Is What Happens When Logic Is No Longer Taught In Schools
Motorcyclist Philip Contos was riding in a New York rally protesting mandatory helmet laws when he flew over his handlebars and hit his unprotected head on the pavement, killing him instantly.
I must say, that's a strange way of advancing your argument.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Jumping The Gun Is Just Good Business (When It's Not Aimed At You)
SOUND: Phone rings.
CLIENT: Hello?
PHONE SOLICITOR: Mr. Humblebugger?
CLIENT: Yes?
PHONE SOLICITOR: Rod Preston from the Canadian Imperial Bank of Screwmercs. The reason I'm calling is to explain to you the enormous benefits of depositing your severance package with us.
CLIENT: Severance package? That can't be right.
PHONE SOLICITOR: I know. It's always something of a shock when you have been upsidedownsized; many people have difficulty accepting the truth when it happens.
CLIENT: You don't understand -
PHONE SOLICITOR: No, I'm afraid you're the one who doesn't understand, Mister Humblebugger. The government faces a massive deficit that must be dealt with. It could do this by raising taxes on the wealthy, of course, but, considering that it has been cutting them for decades, this would make it seem rather churlish. So, sorry, but axing government employees seems to be the only sensible solution. I'm sure, put that way, you can see my point.
CLIENT: Right. No. I mean, look. I don't need to talk about severance because I haven't been fired.
PHONE SOLICITOR: You haven't been fired?
CLIENT: No.
PHONE SOLICITOR: You are Antonescu Q. Humblebugger, are you not?
CLIENT: No. I'm Antonescu X. Humblebugger.
PHONE SOLICITOR: Oh. I see. I am sorry, Mister Humblebugger. Some sort of terrible mix-up seems to have occurred.
CLIENT: Oh, that's quite alright.
PHONE SOLICITOR: No. No, it's not alright. In this climate of economic uncertainty, even the possibility of being laid off can be very scary for somebody. I really am sorry for the mix-up - it was not my intention to give you cause to worry about your future.
CLIENT: Oh. Well. Thank you for that.
PHONE SOLICITOR: I'll talk to you next week.
CLIENT: WHAT?!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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