Thank you, Tori Torremolinos, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the term is douchebag, douchebag. Douchebag, not douche. Calling somebody a douche is just lazy - if you aren't going to go to the trouble of using a proper insult, why bother insulting somebody at all? And, don't try using the excuse that you are limited to 140 characters on Twitter, either. Bag. B-a-g. It's only three letters. Really! If you're going to insult us, show some respect!
Enjoy,Giving The Term "Getting Bombed" A Whole New Meaning
In its ever-shifting mission in Libya, NATO has decided to bomb itself.
"We have been killing civilians at an alarming rate," one official in the NATO high command commented. "Since our mission was to protect civilians, we appeared to have no other choice but to turn our weapons on ourselves."
"This was not what I expected when I committed American troops to this mission," President Obama commented. "Still, we all wanted NATO to step up and do its part, so I suppose I shouldn't complain when they do."
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0data-b6e6-4c18-fb9b-07d657bb48fg]
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The Sport That Is Headshot And Shoulders Above The Rest
Last night, the National Hockey League gave out trophies to its best players. Or, as we like to think of it, it announced a list of players most eligible to receive a headshot next season.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#59226108765]
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It's Not Funny Because It's True
If my son told me he was gay, I would shoot him in the head, then take him to the hospital because, you know, he's my son and I love him and I really don't want him to die. Then, I would strangle him when he got better, then take him to a different hospital because, you know, I love him and all, but I wouldn't want anybody to suspect there was a pattern here. Then, I would poison him, then take him to a third hospital. Then, I would decide that maybe this wasn't really funny and check myself into therapy because violent fantasies about your children just isn't healthy, man.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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LOLCats At War: Info-warrior
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Time To Pratchett What They Preach
Fans have started a letter and email writing campaign to get the BBC not to cancel the life of beloved fantasy writer Terry Pratchett.
"i know he has Alzhammer's disease," somebody who identified himself as "hogfather027" wrote, "but he could still be vital for years to come. Please don't take him off the air."
"The Other Rincewind" wrote: "A lot of fans will be sorely miffed if TP isn't around to entertain us for years to come. You wouldn't want to be the ones who were responsible for his cancellation. We would...do stuff to you. And, things. Stuff and things you wouldn't like done to you. If you know what I mean."
Gogol Suvendri, BBC Head of Speed of Light Entertainment, shrugged and responded, "Terry's life expectancy is really out of our hands."
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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To BP Or Not To BP
Why Is That Always The Question?
Calgary-based oil and gas company Niko Resources will admit in court to bribing a Bangladeshi minister to limit its liability after explosions occurred in one of its natural gas fields. The explosions sparked protests in a nearby village and complaints of environmental contamination.
Oops.
"Yeah, sure, okay, we did it, whatever," Niko CEO Ed Sampson stated. "Now, who do we have to pay off to make this all go away?"
SOURCE: SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=36ddc6-f6f3-4c4pfft-9f25-a2eb4cc6a940]
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War Is Perhaps Somewhat Sort Of Like Hell
In a speech to the nation, President Obama has announced that he will start to begin to consider the possibility of maybe removing some troops from Afghanistan.
"The number of American boots on the ground will still be more or less approximately twice what it was when I took office, give or take, here or there," the President stated. "This should prove my administration's determination to end the war in Afghanistan. Some day."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2011Jun22.html]
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Fables Go Over Well In American Courts
Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner has told Lindsay Lohan to stop having rooftop parties. In response, Shawn Holley, Lohan's lawyer, asked, "Judge, have you ever heard the story of the scorpion and the frog?"
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,11836,1087429,70.html]
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Over And Out Oversight
Government auditors have found that the Prime Minister's Office repeatedly broke its own rules by spending money on hospitality before it got approval for the expenditures.
"Hospitality?" Niko Resources CEO Ed Sampson commented. "Yeah. That's all I was doing - supplying hospitality for some poor Bangladeshi politicians - and look where I ended up!"
His comments were not part of our story, so we ignored them.
"We still have government auditors?" Prime Minister Stephen Harper responded to the charge. "Well, okay, then. I take full responsibility for the oversight. In times of economic...uncertainty, sacrifices have to be made. And, if that means cutting the number of government auditors to help balance the budget, well, it's a sacrifice I am prepared to make!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/06/23/posbo110623]
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In Politics, As In Apocalypses, Timing Is Everything
Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner is rumoured to have gone to Wall Street to assure brokers that his public stance opposing raising the American debt ceiling is a negotiating tool with the White House and should not be taken seriously.
"What the hell is he talking about?" sobbed trader Vicky McMickey. "The United States defaulted on its debt two weeks ago! Stock markets around the globe tanked and the world economy is in the toilet! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! We're all gonna die! Poor!"
"That's a little dramatic, don't you think?" Boehner responded as the ceiling of the House of Representatives collapsed around him. "Oh. Okay. Perhaps that's an accurate portrait of the situation..."
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/06/21/reps.main/index.html]
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Hard To Know How They'll Fit All Of His Monstrous...Reputation Into It
To celebrate the life of one of it's most acclaimed authors, the city of Montreal is planning to name a gazebo after Mordecai Richler.
"We're, umm, honoured," said Richler's son Daniel. "This is exactly the sort of place my father would have gotten drunk and thrown up in. The tribute could not be more fitting."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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