Thank you, M. Per Kounios, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we thought our opening message was getting a little...stale, so we replaced it with the text of the President Obama's speech on the Middle East. Then, our regular readers were confused. Then, we were called anti-Semitic. We're not anti-Semitic - we love electric typewriters! Then, the world ended, and hardly anybody noticed. But, the world ending got us thinking that maybe there was some value to continuity, that maybe there is comfort in knowing what to expect from some things in the crazy game of Whack-A-Mole that is life. So, we changed the opening message back. But, we're going to keep the adult diapers on, just in case.
Enjoy,What A Drag! (Wait - Are We Still Allowed To Use That Word?)
A bill that would prohibit teachers from discussing homosexuality in the classroom before the ninth grade is currently working its way through Tennessee's Senate. Guidelines for implementing the bill, should it become law, include:
The "gay 90s" will now be known as the "moderately fun and entertaining 90s."
"Gay Paree" will now be known as "that rotten French hellhole."
Writer "Gay Talese" will now be known simply as "Talese" (or, for a while, a symbol of his own design).
"Gaydar" will now be known as "radar for a condition we are not allowed to refer to in class."
"Don we now our gay apparel" will now be sung as "Don we now our heterosexually normative apparel." (Some reworking of the tune may be required.)
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
[http://ytb.gay/May_2011/dontsaythegay.htm]
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Where The Phrase "Sudden Death" Takes On A Whole New Meaning
On-air host Damien Goddard has been fired by Sportsnet. Tweeting his opposition to gay marriage was likely a contributing factor to the firing.
Don't feel bad for Goddard, though; he can always get a job at Sportsnet Uganda.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#50234023675]
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Politics By Attrition
A 37 year-old Afghan detainee died in Guantanamo Bay in an apparent suicide.
"We are, of course, saddened by any death," US Southern Command said. "On the other hand, if all of the Guantanamo inmates followed his lead, it sure would solve a big headache for us!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/05/18/reps.main/index.html]
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Gingrich Newtered
Is Donald Trump the Angel of Death for Republican presidential hopefuls?
First, he announced that he was not running. Then, he announced that Mike Huckabee was not running. Then, he was seen lurking around the offices of Newt Gingrich.
"I have no plans to meet with Trump," Gingrich stated on Beat the Press. "He certainly is not my spokesman - in fact, Donald Trump? Never heard of him. He's famous for something to do with his hair or something, isn't he?"
Rumour in Washington is that Republican candidate Mitt Romney convinced Trump to spend some time around Gingrich's office. Nobody in Romney's camp would either confirm or deny these rumours, but they did a lot of giggling over drawings of vultures with the initials DT under them. A lot of giggling.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2011May15.html]
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You Look Fabulous! Have You Lost Weighted Voting?
According to Paul Sterne, "One man, one vote is the ultimate sacred cow" that should be reconsidered. He proposed that the United States move to a system of weighted voting based on age, where the vote of 20 and 30 year-olds would count for more than that of 70 year-olds because "the consequences of political decisions will affect them the longest."
"I like the idea of weighted voting," responded billionaire David Koch-Heddon, "but, surely, it should be based on wealth rather than age. After all, political decisions affect those with resources more than those without."
"No, no, no," argued Caroline vos Deferrens, the world's smartest woman. "The votes of people with high IQs should count for more than those of idiots. After all, we can better reason who the best candidates are. You know, using logic and stuff."
"Since you asked, I think we should be weighting votes by...by weight," Martin Heisseggner added. "After all, a 400 pound person has a lot more at stake in the political process than a 125 pound person does - by volume, if no other criterion!"
"Hmm..." Sterne mused, "this weighted voting thing is more complicated than I thought!"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2011/05/17/election/main540735.shtml]
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The Other Three Million Can Only Assume
In return for helping him get his majority, Stephen Harper has given cabinet posts to four MPs from the city of Toronto. That means there are at least four Torontonians who are guaranteed to have no say in the Conservative government's policies.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2011/05/19/524737.html]
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So, John McCain says enhanced interrogation didn't help President Bush kill Osama bin Laden. Well, he would, wouldn't he? Sure, John McCain may have spent six years being regularly tortured - not enhancedly interrogated - as a prisoner of war. But, Rick Santorum, who supports enhanced interrogation - not torture - spent several hours being tortured by a Bernie Sanders filibuster! You ask me, Santorum has a better take on this issue than McCain!
SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page
[http://www.rushlimburger.com/home/daily/site_051911/content/truth_distorter.hostile_enemy.html]
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It's Not The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Don't Know How To Feel)
Condolence cards for people who are disappointed that the Rapture didn't happen:
1. Short and Sweet
Roses are red2. Long and Gloating
It was always going to be the loopiest of trips,3. Haiku
Float up to dark skySOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/574.html]
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