Thank you, Kevin Kropinyeri, for signing up for The Daily Me,l. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, when we flossed, we noticed a certain...tenderness in our gums. Not an Elvis "Love Me Tenderness," either; more a The Shining raging torrent of blood if we didn't immediately do something about it kind of tenderness. So, when we went to our quadrennial dentist's appointment, we asked him about it. He assured us that he saw nothing wrong, and we had to believe him. Sure, we still feel the pain, but it's not like we're the ones with the DDS!
Enjoy,Darth Vader has announced the killing of terrorist leader Luke Skywalker. In an address to the Empire, he stated that an elite force of Stormtroopers had found the terrorist's headquarters, shot him dead and sent the corpse into the nearest sun.
Some people have wondered if sending the body into the sun was a wise de - Vader waved a hand in front of their faces and said, "Sending the body of an enemy into the sun is perfectly common practice." Nobody questioned the decision to send the body of Skywalker into the sun.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=34792642414646474687fx]
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Foreign Plutocrats Thank You
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1472283014]
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Conservatives: The Party That Just Doesn't CAIRS
In a magnanimous gesture, the Conservative Party has thrown the majority of Canadians who did not vote for it in the recent election a bone. As its first act as a majority government, the Conservatives shut down the Coordination of Access to Information Requests System (CAIRS), which allowed people to track freedom of information requests.
It was a sharp bone. Aimed right between voters' eyes...
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Pakistan The Man
US PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Asif, as the President of Pakistan, I think you should have known that Osama bin Laden was living in your country.
PAKISTAN PRESIDENT ASIF ALI ZARDARI: Barack, be reasonable. How could I have possibly known?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: His compound was less than a mile from a military academy.
PRESIDENT ZARDARI: My men don't leave base that much.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: His cable was paid for with a credit card with the name O. bin Laden.
PRESIDENT ZARDARI: It never occurred to anybody in our government to check people's credit card purchases, and, if we had, it would have been a terrible invasion of our citizens' privacy!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: He threw parties and sent invitations to everybody in the city!
PRESIDENT ZARDARI: My men are not allowed to fraternize with the locals.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Fraternize with the - look. On the top of his compound was painted "Property of Osama bin Laden - do not bomb." Property. Of. Osama. Bin. Laden. Didn't you see this message?
PRESIDENT ZARDARI: Of course we saw that message. We're not blind! We thought it must be a decoy!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: A decoy.
PRESIDENT ZARDARI: A decoy. What terrorist in his right mind would advertise where he lived?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, Asif.
PAUSE.
PRESIDENT ZARDARI: So, do you want us to keep allowing you to use our airspace in your war on terror, or what?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes, please. Thanks.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227468]
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Political Mischief...Democratic Duty - It's Such A Fine Line...
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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And, We're Not Just Being Polite When We Say That
Physicists Bernard Carr and Alan Coley, looking at black holes that may have formed in the primordial soup soon after the big bang, have made a startling suggestion: that there could be black holes that are older than the universe itself.
Funny, but the black holes we know don't look a day over four billion years old!
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1874H3EC-2C145-20K5-BAB1582614B744414]
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Okay, This Poem Is Kind Of Cheesy
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." G.K. Chesterton
MiltonSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/573.html]
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This Assassination Has The Navy Seals Of Approval
We had to kill Osama bin Laden - there was a fire fight and he was a casualty. Well, okay, when we say firefight, we mean that only one of the people we encountered in bin Laden's compound was actually armed and resisted our incursion. But, we had to kill bin Laden because he put up resistance when he picked up a gun and started firing at us. And, when we say he put up resistance, we're not clear how because he was not armed when he was killed. But, uhh, bin Laden had to be killed because he was using his wife as a human shield, putting her life in danger. By which we mean, of course, that he did no such thing
You should not take from this that the Navy Seals who stormed bin Laden's compound had been given shoot to kill orders. Unless we were. American justice can be inscrutable like that.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/05/06/reps.main/index.html]
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