Thank you, Antanas Mockus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we received a number of complaints (three is a number, isn't it?) that we made a big deal out of choosing a Person of the Year last week, but didn't actually name the person. Why, yes, we did, didn't we?
Enjoy,Damned If You Do, President If You Don't
From Oddball, with Chris Mushmouth:
CHRIS MUSHMOUTH: Okay, panel, last question: what does Barack Obama need to do in 2011 to position himself as a winner in 2012? Ariana?
ARIANA HUFFLEPUFFLETON: Well, Chris, the President needs to move to the left. Otherwise, he could completely alienate his ba -
MUSHMOUTH: Not gonna happen. He would get no cooperation from Republicans in Congress. Danae?
DANAE PERINI-SCLEROSO: He needs to move to the right, Chris. Otherwise, he would lose any support the Republicans would -
MUSHMOUTH: Yeah, yeah, like the Republicans ever supported anything he did. And, if he did that, what would happen to his base? Robert?
ROBERT MUGABE: It seems to me that President Obama must stay the course. If he -
MUSHMOUTH: That's just about the stupidest thing I've heard yet. Have you seen how far his poll numbers have plummeted? If he keeps doing what he has been doing, he'll be so deep in a hole, he'll be canvassing Brendan Fraser at the center of the Earth. Thanks, panel. There were some valuable insights, here.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/2011snoheaven.shtml]
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Where Does Political And Social Satirist Fit On The List?
Seven occupations nobody over 50 should have:
1. Rock guitaristSOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2011/January/Age_Outrage.asp]
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Didn't You Once Say The Public Was Looking For A Drinking Buddy?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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What Are We Teaching The Children?
4pm. YTV. iCarlious. Carlious (Amanda Cosgrove) video blogs about her cousin Caligula (Malcolm MacDowell), who won't shut up about the trick he pulled on the Senate with his horse.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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They're No Asia, But...
Anatomy of a supergroup:
1:27pm Vladimir Putin (piano), Stephen Harper (keyboards) and Bill Clinton (saxophone) decide to form a band.
1:28pm Putin, Harper and Clinton decide to disband because they cannot agree on who should be the lead singer.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Baby, You Can Drive My Car (Into A Ditch)
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1178833720]
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Atlas Went For A Soda
According to New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, Republican Representative Paul Ryan requires that his staffers read Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. Jeezus! I knew Republicans were heartless, but I didn't think they would be so cruel to their own!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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If You've Lost Tudor, You've Lost The War
You know, it's really flattering that people think of what I do as "journalism," but I'm just a class clown who made good. Seriously. I have a huge red nose - I just hide it with makeup because I don't want to scare any small children who might be watching the show because...because somebody told them Elmo would be making a guest appearance. All of my hats jingle. Do I sound like a serious -
No, no, no, no, no! I'm not Edward R. Murrow - I'm Edgar Bergen! Murrow and Walter Cronkite were the caviar of television journalism - I'm the Whopper with onion rings, not even fries! Onion rings, people! I don't stimulate people's brains - I clog their arteries! Do you -
Forbes magazine? Really? Does anybody even read that rag any more? I - I wouldn't trust -
That's more like i - wuuuuh?! Look, I don't want to argue with the Pope - very, huh, very bad things happen for Jews when they try to do that. All I'm saying is that I'm not the story, I shouldn't be the one making the news, I - wait, that was a very responsible thing to say, wasn't it? The sort of thing a - shudder - real journalist might say. Umm. Yeah. Actually, what I meant to say was...OOGABOOGA WOIK WOIK WOIK!
I hope that clears up this whole misunderstanding.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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The Hair! It Burns - IT BURNS!
Internet Killed the Video Star
I saw you on the TV back in eighty-two;Oh-a oh
They took the credit for your remixed symphony,Oh-a oh
IMed your childrenOh-a oh
You were the first on.You were the last on.
Internet killed the video star.Internet killed the video star. (You are a video star.)
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/559.html]
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