The Daily Me - Perry O. Dontell

Thank you, Perry O. Dontell, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we woke up and half-remembered sending an email at three in the morning to our significant other complaining about the constant lingering garlic odor on her breath - his breath? - their breath? - and wondering if maybe he - she? - they? - could put out more. Unfortunately, we worded it in a...an aggressive manner (although, to be fair to us, we can't figure out a way to put those thoughts nicely even though we are now dead sober). Fortunately, we hit the unsend button on our Save Us From Ourselves Hotmail App, and everything turned out just - what? We didn't do that? Oh, right. THE SAVE US FROM OURSELVES APP DOESN'T EXIST!

Technology is such a disappointment to us.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Careful, Bill - Your Interrobang Is Showing!

Okay, you know how crazy the world has become under Obama? In North Carolina, there is a shelter that treats cats for AIDS. Do you believe that? No, no, don't get all misty just because a cat once slept in your lap - just because some of your best friends are cats doesn't mean that they deserve your sympathy if they have...that feline disease. After all, being feline is a lifestyle choice, and they could be different if they really wanted to. Besides, cats are notoriously promiscuous. I mean, where do you think the phrase "tomcatting around" came from? It wasn't dogs, I can tell you that. My point being that if cats would simply limit themselves to one partner, they wouldn't get AIDS in the first place. Plus, there would be fewer of them around to crap on my front lawn. Listen: cats simply have no self-control, so why should they expect our sympathy if they get horrible diseases as a result of their immoral behaviour?

A shelter for cats with AIDS? What next? A Turkish birdbath for robins and sparrows?!

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2973,96507,11.html]
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What's Up With That?

Coca Cola is drunk in over 200 countries - more than belong to the United Nations. And, still, the world has not been taught to sing.

SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts

[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Oh! Oh! I Know The Answer To This One! Is It...Justin Bieber?

Who Believes In Democracy?

You would think they consider it a joke,
The brothers Koch,
That it gets in the way of making cash hand over fist.
Consider this:
If their attitude towards democracy was so perverted
Would they go to so much trouble to subvert it?

You would think that democracy is broke
Watching the antics of the poor Tea Party folk;
But, for all of their talk of revolutionary shocks,
They have fought their battles at the ballot box.
They will be voting with great enthusiasm,
Electing crazoid candidates will give them a big...thrill.

Karl Rove is a right jolly bloke
Who never passes by an opportunity the Democrats to poke.
He has spent a lifetime perfecting the art of the fix
Since the hall monitor election in grade six.
Rove knows the ins and outs of electoral politics
(Even if he considers voters a bunch of dumb hicks).

One final group is worth noting:
Progressives who do not plan on voting
. They'll stay home in a fit of pique
Their vengeance on a perceived betrayer to wreak.
But, they will never get their hour -
They do not really believe in democracy's power

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/549.html]
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Of Course, They'll Have No Idea How Long That Will Take!

NASA and DARPA are teaming up for a 100 year starship study. Hopefully, at the end of the 100 year study, they will conclude that humanity needs to build a starship.

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report

[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/101031/geeklynews/01yorbalinda.htm]
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Schoolyard Justice Goes Big Time

A New York judge has ruled that the family of a woman who died after being hit by a bicycle can sue the four year-old who drove it.

If the family wins, it could put a lien on the girl's allowance for the rest of her life. "From now on, we will definitely be eying her Halloween candy take," said lawyer Aleatory Simpson. "And, if she gets an A writing about the accident in an essay on what she did on her summer vacation, we'll see what we can do about getting the family's fair share of her mark. Can't have her profiting from her crime!"

SOURCE: USA Whenever

[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2010-10-27-a-profit-without-honor_x.htm]
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What's Up With...That That?

The latest Saw film is the seventh in the series, so why is the title Saw 3D?! Man, that Jigsaw knows how to mess with people's heads!

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0677020/]
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Of Course, You Could Save Yourself The Trouble If You Would Just Acknowledge Him As King Of All The Britons!

Four things you are allowed to whine about

1. King Arthur hacking off your limbs.
2. a hurricane ripping the guts out of your city
3. being allergic to the food you can scrounge in the refugee camp
4. your government subsidizing the flow of jobs to other countries, putting you permanently out of work, at the same time as it shreds the social safety net

Four things you are not allowed to whine about

1. being unable to access Hotmail for a few minutes
2. your local KFC running out of Double Down sandwiches
3. getting too many apples and not enough candy in your Halloween bag
4 how much better Kanye West's first album was than his latest effort

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2010/October/When_Did_We_Become_Such_Whiney_Bitches.asp]
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Getting Laid Sounds Like A Lot Less Fun In This Ad

Who Made Your Eggs Today?

Say hello to the Orangutan-Mullet family, Barnieyard, Julissa and their two children, Elegantia and Jhim. They made your eggs today. Literally. They live in cages in the barn out back of the house, where they are fed a steady diet of liquid protein and antibiotics. Not to worry: the antibiotics are just a precaution. The Orangutan-Mullets are a perfectly healthy family (well, possibly except for Elegantia, who has taken to pecking under her left arm, but our medical team is looking into that) that produces perfectly healthy eggs. Seriously. They have been genetically modified. More than that, we guarantee you don't want to know.

Your Ontario Egg Farmers
For More Information: don't ask!

SOURCE: Ad Meek

[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=2007352504]
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