Thank you, Scout Tufankjian, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Mustn't...look...at...stats. Must...not...look...at...stats...package. Must...not...must...not...must... WHO LOCKED THE GODDAM STATS PACKAGE! We're not having a relapse - we can quite any time we want. Sure...sure, we can. Any time we want. BUT, NOT IF YOU DON'T GIVE US THE CHANCE TO PROVE WE CAN! FOR PITY'S SAKE, UNLOCK THE - okay. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Don't cry. Don't cry. For god's sake, don't let anybody in the office see you cry. Stats - pfft! Who needs them?
Where'd we put the heroin?
Enjoy,Change You Can Believe In...If You've Been In A Coma For The Past Year...
Q: What makes the sound KER-PLUNK!
A: A hundred jaws simultaneously hitting the floor when the President of the United States, in Sweden to accept the Nobel Peace Prize, gives a speech partially extolling the virtues of just war.
Q: What exactly is a just war?
A: A war against evil.
Q: What is evil?
A: The bad things other people do to us. Never the bad things we do to other people.
Q: Where have I heard that before?
A: Don't remind me!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=675&dir=bb]
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Stop Me Before I Budget Again!
Little Jimmy Flaherty
Jimmy Flaherty took an axeSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/301.html]
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Of Course, Coburn Was Really Just Asking For A Democrat To Win An All-expenses Paid Trip To Tahiti That Left That Evening
With health care reform about to pass, Senator Tom Coburn said, "What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can't make the vote tonight. That's what they ought to pray."
"God would like it to be known that He is no politician's hit man - certainly not Tom Coburn's," stated Heaven's press secretary The Archangel Gabriel. "He did do a lot of smiting in his youth, but that was just a phase The Almighty was going through, and He is a much different deity now."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Dec20.html]
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All That Gleeful Hand Rubbing Could Power A Small City
The Conservative government, overruling a...ruling by the CRTC, has decided to allow Globalive Wireless to enter the Canadian telecom market, even though it does not meet Canadian ownership requirements.
"Ooh, this is an interesting development" said Goldman Sachs, rubbing its hands with glee. "Can I take control of Canwest Global's Alliance/Atlantis now? In fact, can I just take over Canwest Global?"
"Ooh, I like this," said Comcast, rubbing its hands with glee. "Can I buy CTVGlobemedia?"
"Ooh, imagine the possibilities," said General Electric, rubbing its hands with glee. "Can I buy the CBC? Please? Oh, please? I promise to take really good care of it!"
"Can I still watch Glee when I want to?" the Canadian consumer asked. Globalive, Goldman Sachs, Comcast and GE all nodded eagerly, like bobbleheads on crack. "Sure. Go for it."
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=278972374-7/]
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They're Thinking About Taking Into Consideration The Possibility Of Action - But They Don't Want To Be Rash
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1326584031]
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Nine reasons to update your will:
1. You're cheating on your mistress with a new mistress.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2009/December/Will_Power.asp]
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Are You SURE You Want ME To Be The Judge?
My Family Doesn't Even Allow Me To Have The Remote!
They laughed at the birthers, said we were crazy conspiracy theorists. Conspiracy theorists? Sure! Crazy? You be the judge.
There is a woman who claims she was one of hundreds who bore sons in Kenya, then came to Hawaii over a four year period and developed stories that the children were actually born in America. You know the drill: iffy American birth certificates, birth announcements planted in local Hawaiian newspapers, playing games with the memories of elderly people long after the fact, hush money, suspicious deaths, ridicule of anybody who blows the whistle on the whole scam.
"It was like a lottery," the woman - whose identity would shock you if I was in a position to reveal it - told a reliable source. "One of our children would go on to become President of the United States, the rest would get a pat on the back and American citizenship. Well, why should my son have to spend his life as a janitor while a certain snooty woman's uppity son gets to be President? After all of the sacrifices I - no, all of the Kenyan mothers made, we deserve more!"
Still believe Barack Obama is President? You poor, deluded fool. When the truth is finally accepted, we'll be laughing at you!
SOURCE: Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignorebobatyourperil.com/conspiracy2300.html]
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They'll Be Featured On A "Whatever Happened To...?" Segment Of Entertainment Tonight In A Day Or Two
Friday. 8pm. NBC. Deal or No Deal. A group of 10 Senators agrees to take suitcase number 9. But, Howie Mandel, on the phone to Joe Lieberman, gives them suitcase Number 5 instead.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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