Thank you, Bossenbroek Stalker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then we wondered: why is it people who say "I'll be back in a flash" always return fully clothed? And, not even in a superhero costume, either.
Enjoy,Politics Reduced To Sub-Supermodel Cattiness
President Barack Obama said that, "I think...a dog...makes a wonderful...pet." Almost immediately, Republicans called him anti-cat.
"You want to wonder what kind of a man Barack Obama is," Rush Limbaugh bloviated. "I mean...he doesn't want Americans to be independent, like...like...like cats. He wants Americans to be slobbering, obedient...morons! Nothing could speak more about the direction he wants to take the country than...than...than his choice of pet!"
"The President wants to kill fluffy!" Sarah Palin wrote on her blog.
Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina crowed "This will be Obama's pet Waterloo!"
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs rolled his eyes.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2009-11-28-going-ape_x.htm]
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Which Wouldn't Matter If They Weren't So Bad At Theirs
The RCMP has decided not to ask independent watchdog Paul Kennedy to return for another term. To the force's embarrassment, he was actually good at his job.
Rumours in Ottawa suggest that Kennedy will be replaced by a sock puppet named Jordania the Recrudescent. "It is hard to be critical of somebody when they have their hand up your ass," one senior member of the RCMP smirked.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Revealed: The Conservative Commitment To Open (To Interpretation) Government
The Harper government has released relevant files to the independent Parliamentary inquiry probing allegations that it knew that military prisoners handed over to the Afghan army would be tortured. A typical page from the files looks like this:
"It could have been worse," a senior adviser to a junior adjunct of an official committee alternate designee commented. "The Prime Minister originally wanted the documents to be delivered to the committee in the form of ashes!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/11/28/gettingjusticecanbetorture091128]
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Or 2,000 Years Of Misinterpretation But, Give It Time...
"Saw VII is not a religious film, let alone a Christian one," The Christian Post recently pointed out. "But the deep questions raised and the spiritual themes embedded present ‘a unique entry point for those in the faith community to share the hope of the Gospel in a hopeless world,' said Larry Ross."
"It's like The Passion of the Christ," Ross, a Christian PR man extraordinaire, added, "except without as much...you know...Christ."
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078276/]
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With A Wicked Headache
President Obama has decided to send 35,000 more American troops to fight in Afghanistan. The response from the Republican opposition was swift.
"I would remind my Democratic colleagues that their children, and every generation thereafter, will bear the burden caused by this decision. They will be the ones asked to pay off the incredible debt," stated Congressman Trent Franks of Arizona.
To drive the point home, Arizona Congressman John Shadegg held up a baby while debating the decision on the floor of the Senate. Onlookers were horrified by the fact that he was holding the toddler with all the grace of a soldier holding a hand grenade he expected to go off at any moment.
Republican officials insisted they would oppose funding for the additional troops unless the Congressional Budget Office reported that it was "revenue neutral"
Then, I woke up.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Talk About Driving A Hard Bargain!
Excerpt from the contract drivers on Highway 407 must sign:
"In addition, death does not annul signer's obligation to pay fees for use of the toll road. Corporation has branch offices in both heaven and hell, and is quite prepared to take divine action should signer be unwilling to fulfill his obligations pursuant to the above clauses. In addition, Corporation is currently moving offices into purgatory from limbo, pursuant to the Pope's judgment that said limbo is no longer an operative suburb of the afterlife. Thus, purgatory will no longer be a safe haven for those looking to avoid paying their a) legally and b) of their own free will incurred fees."
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-79463748648263272cahs01.html]
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What A Difference A President Makes!
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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The Fogh Rasmussen Of War
Anders Fogh Rasmussen Wow. I'd forgotten how much I loved the Fun Loving Criminals song "Scooby Snacks" until I just heard it on the radio. AndersAnders and Hamid Karzai are now friends.
Anders and Christine Horne are now friends.
Anders and Donald Duck are now friends.
Anders Fogh Rasmussen Dear friends, next week we will take important decisions on strategy and troops in Afghanistan. President Obama will make his announcement, followed by a NATO and ISAF foreign minister's meeting. I've travelled and talked with political leaders in the Alliance and called on them to follow suit when the US sends more troops to Afghanistan. Solidarity has always been the strength of our Alliance. AndersYesterday at 9:54pm via FarmVille - Comment - Like - Get a bonus from them!
Anders Fogh Rasmussen From the picture on the menu, I didn't think the steak would be as big as it turned out to be, and nobody brought any Tums with them! AndersSOURCE: Farcebook
[http://www.farcebook.com/andersfoghrasmussen]
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