Thank you, Kujala Krzan, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about the Conservative Values Voters Summit, where the panel on "The New Masculinity" focused on the fact that all pornography, even straight pornography, makes you gay. Pornography, you see, leads to masturbation, and any form of sex without a female partner is, by definition, gay. Funny, you know, because an informal poll of people in the office - men and women - shows that we've been masturbating for a collective 237 years, and none of us is gay. Except Franco. But, that doesn't prove anything...
Enjoy,Abuse Your Illusion
The United States Treasury now says it would like to keep some of the TARP money as a reserve (instead of - you know - spending it) on the off chance - the really slight chance - so unlikely it's hardly worth mentioning, really - that financial conditions could worsen. But, wasn't spending the money supposed to stop financial conditions from worsening in the first place?
You may be forgiven for beginning to suspect that those charged with safeguarding the world economy are flying by the seat of their pants. Of course, they're the most expensive, designer pants the world has ever seen, so who is to say they don't have built in helicopter rotors in the derrieres? Still, there seems to be a lot of daylight between the way we'd like to believe economic decisions are made and how they are actually made.
HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE ECONOMIC DECISIONS ARE MADE:
PRESIDENT: The economy is tanking. What can we do?
TREASURY SECRETARY: Using econometric models, Mister President, we've pinpointed seven industries that are essential to any economic recover.
ECONOMIC ADVISER: Together, they make up over 20% of annual GDP. If we infuse them with liquidity at the present time, classic economic theory clearly shows that we can halt the economic decline, and, over time, we should see consumer confidence rise to previous highs.
SENATE FINANCE COMMITTEE CHAIR: The best way to stem to tide of job losses is to help major corporations in these industries remain solvent.
PRESIDENT: Alright, then. The evidence for action is clear. Let's put an economic package together.
HOW ECONOMIC DECISIONS ARE REALLY MADE:
PRESIDENT: The economy is tanking. What can we do?
TREASURY SECRETARY: Oh, geez, I don't know. This doesn't happen in any of our models.
ECONOMIC ADVISER: We have to do something! We can't just sit idly by and watch as the economy collapses!
SENATE FINANCE COMMITTEE CHAIR: Mommy!
PRESIDENT: Well, what are our options?
TREASURY SECRETARY: We could...give the major banks more money.
ECONOMIC ADVISER: Yeah. Sure. That...uhh...that always works.
SENATE FINANCE COMMITTEE CHAIR: I WANT MY MOMMY!
PRESIDENT: (sighs) Alright, then. Let's put another bailout package to -
SENATE FINANCE COMMITTEE CHAIR: Ooh, I wet my diaper! MOMMY!
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=525&dir=bb]
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Remember The Comfy Sweater Debacle?
More than 30 photographs of Stephen Harper have been removed from a Web site intended to promote the government's economic action plan. Clearly, the Conservatives have finally learned a major rule of propaganda: to develop a cult of personality, a leader must first have a personality.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Max Baucus - Jim Backus - It's Such A Fine Line
The Senate Finance Committee, chaired by Max Baucus, has released its version of a health care reform mark up, a precursor to a bill. It says, essentially, that all of the Americans who are not currently insured should be forced at gunpoint to get insured.
"That's it?" asked Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner. "I've drafted love notes on bar napkins that had more substance than that!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2009-09-14-weiner-u-dog_x.htm]
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It Must Be Nice, The Alternate Universe That Modern Conservatives Live In
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Did The Swine Drive Or Did It Flu?
According to some reports, the Conservative government will spend more than five times more on ads touting their economic plan as they will on the fight against swine flu. What is the overall message? If you die, at least you'll be able to afford a really great coffin.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/09/19/uswine090919]
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They've Always Got Their Coke Covered Toasters
The US Interior Department will end its royalty-in-kind oil and natural gas programme. You remember royalty-in-kind - the programme where representatives of the government snorted cocaine off toasters with oil company employees and had sex with the people they were supposed to be regulating? Yeah, that one.
An unnamed government official complained, "Now how are Interior Department employees ever going to get laid?"
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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No Bless, No 'Blige
Defence lawyer Eddie Greenspan has complained that white collar criminals are being treated as a "new crime wave" by an overzealous justice system.
"What's the point of amassing obscene amounts of wealth," Greenspan groused, "if it doesn't protect you from the law when it counts?"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088691831813&call_pageid=
968389278492&col=934466972154]
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A Bridge Too Farber
The United Nations Goldstone report on recent fighting in Gaza has accused Israel of war crimes, stating, among other things, that it used phosphorous weapons on a civilian shelter and hospital, targeted residential areas and used Palestinians as human shields in house searches. The report also accused the Palestinians of the war crime of sending missiles into civilian populations. Supporters of the State of Israel claim that these crimes are equivalent, so what's the big deal? Sure, they are. Just like the rider whose bicycle is crushed is equally responsible for the dent in the fender of the truck that hit him.
"That - pant - is - pant pant - anti- - gasp - anti-Semitic!" stated the Canadian Jewish Congress' Bernie Farber.
Hey, man! We missed you. What happened?
"Subway...was...delayed. Pant. Had...to - pant pant - run...six...blocks - gasp - to...get...here!" Farber explained.
Do you want to take a break?
"No. I - pant - I'm good to...good to...to..."
Go?
"Yeah. Thanks. ... You anti-Semitic bastard!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1318851590447]
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