Thank you, Seth Urucurituba, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Purple.
Enjoy,Harry & Louise & Ted & Alice
LOUISE: It's a shame so many Americans don't have health care.
HARRY: Yeah. Sure.
LOUISE: I think it's time we changed the system.
HARRY: You what?
LOUISE: This country needs health care reform.
HARRY: This country needs - Louise, have you gone mad? People will have their doctors chosen by a bureaucrat in Scranton and, and, you'll have to mortgage your house just to get a hangnail cured!
LOUISE: Oh, silly, those were objections to the last round of health care reform. This time, the uninsured will be forced to buy insurance and there will be no collective bargaining to lower drug prices. Here, to help you better understand the current proposed changes, just take this pill.
HARRY: I don't want to take a damn - urk! Mumph! Hey!
LOUISE: Yes?
HARRY: I...I see your point, Louise. Maybe it is time for health care reform.
LOUISE: Of course. More rat poison, dear?
ANNOUNCER: Paid for by the American Pharmaceutical Peddlers Association.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/harryandlouisegetalobotomy.shtml]
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The Cost Of Nostalgia Ain't What It Used To Be
Indigo is selling DVDs "at Retro Prices." But, while their artwork is reminiscent of the psychedelic 60s, DVDS DIDN'T EXIST IN THE 1960S! What would actually be retro for DVDs? Last month?
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=7/27/2009#1]
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And, That Can Only Lead To...More Angry Audio Tapes
The second oldest son of Al Qeada leader Osama bin Laden has been reported killed in a US missile strike inside Pakistan. And, I thought: "Oh, great. Now bin Laden's really gonna hate us!"
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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'Cause, See, That's The Job Of Republican Politicians, You Betcha!
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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There's A Sinkhole With My Name On It
The sinkholes are closing in.
A few years ago, a whole section of Finch near York University collapsed; it took them weeks to fix the road. A few days ago, a whole section of Finch below Dufferin collapsed. Oh, sure, it may be very slow, but the holes are getting closer to where I live! Not only that, but there are actually two holes: they've started traveling in packs!
The next sinkhole will be right outside my front door, and who knows how many holes will be traveling with it. And, it could take years, so I'll probably be caught off guard! Sneaky bastards!
I'm not being paranoid here - the roads are out to get me!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Quality Of Merce Was Never Strain'd
Merce Cunningham has died in his sleep at the age of 90. You can't see it, but, in tribute, my legs are doing a complex series of rhythmic movements under my desk as I type this.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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You Know You're In Trouble When Vice President Biden Is The Voice Of Reason In The Room
Hoping to put the controversy about race behind him, President Obama invited black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates and white James Crowley, the policeman who arrested Gates in his own home, to the White House for a few beers. Much has been made of the different beer brands each man drank, but there has been far less coverage of what happened after the beverages had been downed.
Crowley, for instance, dropped trou and mooned the White House press corps. Gates, by way of contrast, peed on a bed of roses in the Rose Garden. Meanwhile, President Obama went back to his office, gave the closest member of his security team a nougie and made a crank call to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asking if his refrigerator was running.
Ahmadinejad immediately had the refrigerator arrested on suspicion of anti-state activities.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Jul30.html]
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One Way To Transform The High School Experience...
Last month, 18 year-old Mejia Kenya closed her valedictory address at Los Angeles' Marilyn Monroe High School on a startling note: having giant robots battling each other destroy most of the building. This wasn't a real invasion of giant robots, however; it was part of a marketing ploy for the movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
"We do things differently in LA," Principal Maureen McDodo stated, proudly. "Now, if you could give me a hand, I think the gym teacher is buried under the rubble somewhere..."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/06/30/thosewhocantteachgetburioedunderrubble/]
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Dying Is Easy - Health Care Reform Is Hard
OLD MAN: I don't know about this new health care reform bill...
OLD WOMAN: What's to know? It's horrible!
OLD MAN: But, Harry and Louise say -
OLD WOMAN: Oh, please! Harry and Louise are so 1994!
OLD MAN: Okay, maybe, but -
OLD WOMAN: If the current health care reform bill passes, you and me will be put on an ice floe and sent out into the Arctic ocean!
OLD MAN: That may not be so bad. Thanks to global warming -
OLD WOMAN: We'll be competing with polar bears for food. But, that's not all. There will be government mandated abortions for all 14 year-old girls!
OLD MAN: What if they're not pregnant?
OLD WOMAN: The Secretary of Health and Human Services will make them pregnant just so they can have abortions!
OLD MAN: Oh. That doesn't sound so good.
Old Woman pulls out an AK47.
OLD WOMAN: It's not. That's why Obama must be stopped at all costs!
ANNOUNCER: Die! DIE! DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! If the Obama health care plan passes, old people will be refused medical coverage so that they will die faster! And, abortion will be covered so that potential future people will die in greater numbers! STOP OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN OR YOU COULD BE NEXT! Paid for by the Committee To Exploit Fear for the Benefit of Insurance Companies and Stick It to Harry and Louise.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/harryandlouisegetpunked.shtml]
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