Thank you, TUNKU VARADARAJAN, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you know that, thanks to a deal with the Alternate Reality News Service, The Daily Me is now available in Leucotherian, the language of the Maaaa of the P'thok't Valley? The deal doesn't extend to sending The Daily Me to potential Maaaa subscribers in that universe...and, of course, nobody in this universe speaks Leucotherian. You know, now that we think about it, we're not sure that that was such a good deal. At least, not until we publish the first Leucotherian to English dictionary...
Enjoy,Another Of Baldrick's Cunning Plans – Revealed!
Q: Does advertising on the Internet work?
A: It depends on what you mean by "work."
Q: What do you mean?
A: If you want a lot of people to see your ad, then no, no, advertising on the Internet doesn't work. However, if your goal is to make Web pages so hideous to look at that it is virtually impossible for readers to find the actual content they are looking for, which would tend to drive people back to traditional media, then, yeah, advertising on the Internet does work.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1001972603]
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Sometimes, It's Hard To Tell The Anchors From The Undead
Calls for closing the American border with Mexico because of an influx of zombies have met with resistance, some coming from the Obama administration.
Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano pointed out that the zombies that had crossed the border were actually Americans when they were alive, not Mexican immigrants, illegal or otherwise. Napolitano added that the zombie outbreak seemed to originate from an American maquiladora factory that had been dumping toxic waste into a nearby river for years, an obvious case of dead chickens coming home to roost.
CNN anchor Lou Dobbs rejected this position. "If they aren't coming now, they will be. For god's sake, have none of you seen Dawn of the Dead?! There's only one way to ensure the survival of the human race: shoot anybody coming from Mexico in the head! Shoot them! In the head! With a gun! Don't take any chances! If you don't kill every person trying to get across the border from Mexico, we're all dooooooooooomed!!!!!
Then, wiping the foam from his mouth, Dobbs threw to a commercial for a male sexual dysfunction drug.
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2009/04/28/immigration/main502615.shtml]
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Fair And Balanced Journalism
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=627&dir=bb]
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Shh! Somebody Might Hear You...
The Whisperer WhispererCat whisperers. Computer whisperers. Car whisperers. Vacuum cleaner whisperers. The Whisperer Whisperer, a sequel to Nicholas Evans' popular book The Horse Whisperer, tells the tale of Marcus Underwater, a man who goes to various places in America and whispers things in people's ears like, "Come on. Who do you think you're kidding? You don't really communicate with these animals or objects, you're just making a killing off of somebody else's idea. Stop it. Please, stop it."
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.83/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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An Inconvenient Trip
A recreation of the voyage of the Titanic planned for the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the ship has been cancelled. The menu was the same, and the music and dances were chosen to evoke the styles of a century ago. The problem? At this time of year, there are no more icebergs in the ocean where the Titanic sank.
And, despite this, some people still deny the existence of global warming!
SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations
[http://www.lookingforsafeadventure.com/asafedventuretravelsites.htm]
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Funny, Coming From The Chairman Of The Waterboard
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Pouring Cold Water On The Idea Of Justice
8 is too much) One approved technique revealed in the recently released torture memos was "water dousing," in which a detainee is sprayed with water that can be as cold as 41 degrees Fahrenheit for up to 20 minutes. Slightly warmer water could be used to douse a prisoner for longer periods of time. What would happen if a torturer used water that was colder than 41 degrees?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Is It Any Wonder Nobody Likes Drudge Work?
Matt Drudge, who made his career off of sleazy half-truths about the personal lives of politicians he didn't like (mostly Democrats) appears to have taken himself out of the spotlight because he didn't like the sleazy half-truths that were being reported about him. The Absurd Ironyometer can't help but feel smugly superior...at least until it's put under the harsh glare of the media spotlight.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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The Party Of Doctor No
The Republican Party has denounced Barack Obama's choice to fill the Supreme Court seat left vacant by the retirement of Judge David Souter. "Frankly, I'm disappointed that the President has put forward the name of a partisan hack, a judicial activist with an abysmal record of judicial decisions," commented House Minority Leader John Boehner.
When a journalist pointed out to Boehner that Obama hadn't actually put a name forward, that, in fact, Judge Souter just announced his retirement yesterday, Boehner stated, "I'm just being proactive."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Apr29.html]
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Something Not Quite Kosher At WHO
The World Health Organization, under pressure from pork producers, has agreed to change the name of "swine flu." Considering you can't actually get the illness from eating pig meat, the pork producers do seem to have a point.
However H1N1, the new name, is not going over well with arms manufacturer Northrup-Grumman. "H1N1 is the name of our new missile defence unit," public relations spokesweasel Elias Cannotti stated. "It certainly doesn't transmit the illness, so why should it be unfairly tarred with a similar name?"
The World Health Organization shrugged helplessly.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2009/ALLPOLITICS/04/28/reps.main/index.html]
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