Thank you, Sexby Chambliss, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. A special season's greeting to Daily Me subscribers: we noticed the way the snow fell outside our office, the white flakes dotting the night sky, the fine powder blanketing the street below. All was still and quiet, as if the ills of the world had been put on pause so that we could reflect on the majesty of the moment. And, we thought, WE'RE STUCK IN THE OFFICE WORKING ON YOUR DAILY ME UPDATE WHILE ALL THIS FUCKING MAJESTY IS GOING ON OUTSIDE? MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
Enjoy,Welcome To The Dog Days Of Political Journalism
REX VENEER: Joining us now from Washington is political correspondent Greta WayneNSchusterin.
GRETA WAYNENSCHUSTERIN: Hola, Rex.
VENEER: Greta, any news on the incoming First Dog?
WAYNENSCHUSTERIN: Well, as you know, President-elect Obama did recently let slip that he wasn't keen on a small dog.
VENEER: So, poodles and Chihuahuas were ruled out.
WAYNENSCHUSTERIN: So we thought. However, when Barney, the current First Dog, went rogue and nearly dismembered a member of the press, it did show everybody in the country that you don't have to be big to have heart.
VENEER: So, heart is at the...uhh...heart of the matter?
WAYNENSCHUSTERIN: No, I don't think so, Rex. I've had a lot of contact with one of the First Children, who asked not to be named, and she told me that her dad, the First Father-elect, made it clear that, as far as he was concerned, size is the most important factor. It's a macho thing, apparently.
VENEER: Alright. Greta, we just have time for one more question. And, that question is: are we really so desperate to fill air time that we are devoting an entire segment to the Obamas' choice of pet?
WAYNENSCHUSTERIN: Yes, Rex. Yes, we are.
VENEER: That was Greta WayneNSchusterin, reporting from Washington. After the break, we'll look at the rumours that President-elect Obama is planning on cosmetic surgery to make his ears smaller. Stay with us.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/12/12/reps.main/index.html]
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Let Me Get Out My Electron Microscope And Check
Could the connection between corrupt Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and President-elect Barack Obama be any clearer?
SOURCE: Red State Blues
[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/martha_in_miss/2008/dec/10/only-a-loony-lefty-could-deny-the-connection/]
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On The Positive Side, All That Bad Hair Will Be Gone
Corner Gas. Royal Canadian Air Farce. Trailer Park Boys. The New Music. Clearly, Canadian television comedy will never be the same again.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Low FahveTM!
I am have very much sadness to announce that that daughter of a painted she-devil whore Barbie – may she suffer from multiple diseases of the vagine – has won her court case in US of A.
The beautiful but cockeyed Yasmina, the fiery Fiannanana and the not very hygienic Chlorina will no longer be available on store shelves for your Christmas pleasurings. The BoratzTM are having to return to Kazakhstan for the herding of sheep dogs and the pleasuring of strangers for buckets of goat cheese.
Glorious Kazakhtan ingenuity will prevail! Yasmina, Fiannanana and Chlorina will be available as soon as Kazakh engineers figure out how to put them on Internets without the breaking of monitors!
SOURCE: Boratz.com – The Official BoratzTM Site
[http://www.boratz.com/]
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How's The Air In That Bubble? Any Chance You'll Be Bottling And Marketing It Soon?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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There Isn't A Tums Big Enough In The World To Keep This History From Repeating
Fill in the blanks: during the Presidential campaign of _______________, representatives of ______________ spoke with representatives of the _______________, official enemies of the United States, in order to prolong _______________________ to embarrass their political enemies and ensure that their candidate would win.SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=612&dir=bb]
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When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot, It Doesn't Pay To Put It Down
The White House is putting a positive spin on an incident where Iraqi journalist Muntader al-Zaidi threw his shoes at American President George W. Bush. Press Secretary Dana Perino, who will hopefully recover her chirpiness after she returns to the private sector, pointed out that in western societies shoes are often thrown at newlyweds to help cement their happy occasion. She also cited the Russian custom of throwing shoes at returning soldiers; although the origins of the custom are obscure, a credible explanation is that the Russian soldiers needed new shoes.
When asked what throwing shoes meant in the Middle East, Perino wrinkled her nose in displeasure. When everybody in the press gallery wasn't turned into frogs, she had to admit that it generally meant that you were an insect lower than a cockroach who was not even worthy of being stepped on.
Mister al-Zaidi's motivations in carrying out the act were unclear. It is possible that, having lost hundreds of thousands of fellow Iraqis, including members of his own family, and watched his country descend into hell because of American army actions, he opposes the American occupation of Iraq. Or, he could just be insane.
SOURCE: Fashion Crimes TV
[http://www.fctv.com/home/default.asp]
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What If They Gave A War On Christmas And Nobody Came?
So, my bank has a banner that says "Merry Christmas." Great. I went into the nearest Blockbuster to rent It's a Wonderful Life – it's a family tradition, okay? – and they had a huge tree, a nativity scene and lots of signs saying "Merry Christmas." Fantastic. Hell, I went to the local Wal-mart to get a chainsaw – it's another family tradition – you have a problem with that? – and the greeters there wished me a merry Christmas. Swear to Christ, it was like they saw me coming.
I thought it was going to be just another miserable happy holiday season when I noticed that the bum on the street corner had a sign that said, "Season's greeting." So, I yelled at him for forty minutes about the fact that this is a Christian nation and he should be saying "Christmas greeting" instead. Stupid illiterate. I...may have kicked him...once...or a few times. That is just an indication of how seriously I take this issue.
The war on Christmas is on, baby!
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2933,96203,77.html]
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