Thank you, Heloise and Abelard, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We promise not to put photos of you in a thong on the Internet. Really. You can trust us…
Enjoy,Nom de Plum
We're in the midst of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression: the Standard & Poor's index has now fallen more than 50 per cent from its peak. Unemployment claims are surging, manufacturing production is plunging, interest rates on corporate bonds are soaring. Panic has returned to the credit markets and financial aid for the beleaguered auto industry is being stalled by a political standoff.
Bad? Sure. But, what everybody really wants to know is: will Hillary Clinton accept Barack Obama's offer of the position of Secretary of State in his cabinet?
Well! Anonymous Clinton insiders have leaked that Hillary is leaning towards accepting, as long as she can wear a crown and ermine robes on all state visits. Other anonymous Clinton insiders have leaked that Clinton isn't interested in the position, but may take it to spite Bill, who will have to curtail his international financial dealings while she's at State. (Apparently, Hillary has a looooooooong memory!) Another anonymous leak, from a source who would neither confirm nor deny that she was close to Clinton, said Clinton would put off deciding as long as she could because she was basking in the attention, although her advisers are telling her that 2012 is a stretch. Then, of course, an anonymous source in the Obama camp has leaked a complaint about all of these other leaks.
We'll have more on the Clinton State nom throughout the day. And, the economy is important to us, so expect an in-depth report on it some time next month. Or, possibly next year.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/11/18/ohthedrama.main/index.html]
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It Could Be Great – On The Other Hand...
I was considering going to the new production of Hamlet, but I don't know…
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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In Journalism School, Counting Is Not A Required Course
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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They Can Fight It Out Among Themselves To Determine Which Hell I Will Be Going To
WWJD: No, not an acronym for World War JD (whatever that might mean). It actually stands for "What would Jesus do?" Unfortunately, there isn't much agreement on what Jesus actually would do in any given situation.
If you're Catholic: whatever the Pope says he would do.
If you're Protestant: the opposite of whatever the Pope says he would do.
If you're Anglican: let's put it to a vote.
If you're evangelical: I'll ask him when I see him.
If you're Jewish: I know what he wouldn't do: call his mother to let her know he's okay! Oy, how a mother worries!
If you're a Shiite Muslim: kill the Sunnis!
If you're a Sunni Muslim: kill the Shiites!
If you're Buddhist: the past is not a reliable guide to the present. What does your nature tell you you should do?
If you're a Pastafarian: he would have turned the loaves into spaghetti and the fishes into meatballs in a sweet tomato sauce.
If you're an atheist: you would debate the historical existence of Jesus and argue that you don't need to know what he would do to lead a moral life.
If you're in doubt about what Jesus would do, do what you want. You can always find something in scripture to justify it later.
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=457&but=allis1]
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Not If We Take Away Their Toys
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1476865038]
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Jihad By The Book
A new plot by radical Muslims to destroy the West was uncovered by an eagle-eyed worker at the British Library. Wealthy Iranian businessman Farhad Hakimzadeh had been stealing individual pages from priceless old texts from libraries throughout the United Kingdom. He was caught when librarian Kim Lovey noticed that he seemed to be substantial rounder when he left her library's reading room than when he had entered.
"We don't allow food into the reading room," Lovey said, "so it was pretty suspicious."
"Al Qaeda in Britain takes complete responsibility for these actions," a document released to the press yesterday stated. "We attempted to destroy infidel culture from within. And, it would have worked, too, if that stupid cur Hakimzadeh hadn't tried to speed up the 1,273 year timetable!"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWODEEPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s118/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=43435]
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If You're In The Market, You're A Mark
How does "mark-to-market" accounting work? You assign an asset its current market value for accounting purposes.
How would dropping mark-to-market accounting work? The CEO of the corporation would calculate how valuable the company's assets would need to be in order to trigger the highest bonuses for himself for the fiscal year. He would balance this against the possibility that his mistress would be willing to accept less expensive gifts from him without telling his wife of the affair. Then, he would tell the Chief Financial Officer, who would tell the Vice President, Accounting, who would tell the head of the accounting pool, who would tell the people working in the accounting pool what dollar value should be assigned to the company's assets.
Clearly, getting rid of mark-to-market accounting rules would help curb market volatility.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=511&dir=bb]
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Third Down And G20 To Go – PUNT!
Partial transcript of a press conference held after the G20 summit.
BUSH: There was universal recognition by all leaders that the reform efforts that we are discussing would only be successful if grounded in...a commitment to free market principles.
HARPER: Woof! Woof woof!
BUSH: What's that boy?
HARPER: Woof woof! Woof woof woof!
BUSH: Henh. You agree with me?
HARPER: Woof! Woof woof woof woof!
BUSH: Awww, who's a good poodle, then? Who's a good boy? Say, fellers, can we get this dog a biscuit or something?
HARPER: [slobbers on Bush's face]
BUSH: Aww, isn't that sweet. [aside] And, can I get me a towel?
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/littlebark&nobite.shtml]
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