Thank you, Caralluma Slim, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We"ve gotten more complaints about last week's comment that the Barack Obama honeymoon would last "two and a half weeks...three weeks, tops" than we have since we suggested that Richard Nixon needed a shave. We'd like to apologize to readers who were offended by that; we clearly underestimated your devotion to the president-elect.
We give it a month. A month and a half, tops.
Enjoy,Hype Springs Eternal
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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That Was Charles Manson's Reasoning, Too
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Now, How Will We Know If Jim Chee Ever Finds Spiritual Happiness?
Tony Hillerman has died of pulmonary heart failure. There was, unfortunately, no mystery to his passing away.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Joe Is One Plumber Whose Career Has Gone Quickly Down The Drain
Fucking politicians. They start shit even though they have no idea what the damn consequences will be.
What did John McCain think would happen when he kept talking about "Joe the Plumber?" I"ll tell you what he didn't think would happen: all over America, us bald, burly men are getting stopped on the street and asked, "Hey, Joe, how's the plumbing?"
First, my name's not Joe. Second, I'm not a plumber, I'm a professor of 16th century Poetic Architectonics at MIT. Third, hearing references to Joe the Plumber from complete strangers while I was walking down the street was fun the first 60 or 70 times, but, after that, it was just annoying.
If Joe the Plumber really signs a recording contract, stretching his 15 seconds of fame, I'm seriously thinking of getting hair plugs!
Sincerely,SOURCE: The Association of Bald, Burly Men
[http://www.baldnburlyrus.com/]
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It Was In Star Wars, But, Then Again, That Feels Like Long Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away
Last week, it was Pakistan. This week, the United States staged a cross-border raid into Syria. Why does the US have such a darn hard time respecting other nations' borders?
"We're not hated enough," a senior military adviser stated. "You know, we thought, after invading Iraq without UN approval, letting looting and sectarian violence get out of hand and condoning torture, America would be hated by the entire world. And, we were hated by a lot of people. But, it just isn't enough."
Why should being hated throughout the world be a policy goal of the American government? The senior military advisor was surprised by the question. "Isn"t that..." he stuttered, "isn't that how an Empire is supposed to be seen by its subjects?"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFERQFIQMFM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUeeDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s159/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvF!2iG3mimimyagi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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Very Funny, But Didn't You Hear That The Picture Of Palin Holding A Rifle While Wearing A Bikini Was A Fake?
MONDAY: one of the sponsored links on a Web site I go to claims that Forrest Gump's IQ was 147. That's one IQ test I definitely won't be trying!
TUESDAY: Now that Sarah Palin is no longer in the running for vice president, she should be given her own reality TV show. It could be called: Northern Overexposure.
WEDNESDAY: If I listened to Ellie, I would probably have dumped my boyfriend by now. If I listened to Doctor Phil, I would have given up on trying to find a better boyfriend. If I listened to Maury, I probably would have beaned my boyfriend with a kitchen chair. If I listened to Cosmo TV, I would have made love to him on a kitchen chair. Is it any wonder today's modern woman (if I listened to that magazine, I would bankrupt myself buying lingerie) is confused?
THURSDAY: Fox News" Chris Wallace, talking about the election of terrorist lover, socialist economy killer and half black man Barack Obama, said, "I think it's wonderful for the country." That squishing you heard was the sound of a million Fox viewers" heads imploding. Unfortunately, Wallace didn't stop there, adding: "It couldn't happen anywhere else in the world." Uhh, Chris, have you ever been to Africa? Have you ever heard of Africa? Oh, you meant it couldn't happen in other advanced democracies? No, they haven't elected a black man for their highest office. Most of them were too busy electing women.
FRIDAY: It's an Oompa Loompa world.
SATURDAY: With all due respect, I personally couldn't disagree more with Oxford's top 10 most irritating phrases. They shouldn't of come down so hard on what are some fairly unique locutions. At this moment in time, is good English writing hard? Absolutely. In fact, it's a nightmare, 24/7. But, at the end of the day, it's not rocket science. Always strive to be original.
SUNDAY: I understand that god is in the details. I just don't understand why she feels the need to hide there.
Umm...okay, maybe I don't really understand the part about god being in the details...
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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The Child Is Father To The General
Yesterday
TEACHER: What happened?
KID: Tommy hit me, so I had to defend myself.
TEACHER: The other children say Tommy didn't do anything to you to cause you to hit him.
KID: Tommy hit me.
TEACHER: Why didn't you just walk away?
KID: It was Tommy's fault. He...he hit me.
TEACHER: It doesn't matter what Tommy did, we're talking about what you did. Danny, you need to take responsibility for your own actions.
Today
POLITICIAN: What happened?
GENERAL: The Taliban provoked an attack on civilians.
POLITICIAN: There is no evidence that the Taliban were anywhere near where the air strike hit.
GENERAL: The Taliban provoked the attack on civilians.
POLITICIAN: Why didn't you just call off the air strike until you were sure of your intelligence?
GENERAL: It was the Taliban's fault. They...they provoked the attack.
POLITICIAN: Umm...okay. I'm satisfied that everything was by the book. Does anybody else have any questions?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=605&dir=bb]
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