Thank you, Kim Hornyak, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Umm last week, when we said we weren't repeating ourselves, we were being retro? Okay, that wasn't being retro, that actually was us repeating ourselves. In our defense: we're all orphans.
Enjoy,I Was Watching A Political Campaign And A Soap Opera Broke Out
MONDAY: There's no escaping it: from Richard Nixon to John McCain, Republicans always get in trouble when they work with plumbers.
TUESDAY: Speaking of which, if my boyfriend doesn't stop calling me Suzie the Blogger, he's going to have to take a trip to see Francine the Emergency Room Doctor. I'd be very interested to hear how he explains to Fred the X-Ray Technician how he got that figure of Joe the GI stuck up his butt!
WEDNESDAY: I can understand why Michael Cera would want to be the male lead in every teen romantic comedy made in Hollywood: he probably only has 20 or 30 films in him before he gets too old and his gormless outsider schtick becomes a little creepy. Still, does he really want to be known as this generation's Molly Ringwald?
THURSDAY: According to a McCain campaign insider, Sarah Palin "is a diva she takes no advice from anyone." Well, I watch Project Runway, I know the divas on Project Runway, and Sarah Palin, she's no diva! (Remember: you don't have to be in drag to be a drag.)
FRIDAY: Sarah fights back! "Her strategy was to be trustworthy and a team player during the convention and thereafter," one of Palin's allies stated, "but she felt completely mismanaged and mishandled and ill-advised. Recently, she's gone from relying on McCain advisers who were assigned to her to relying on her own instincts." Well. You, stick to your instincts, Sarah! That should kill your chances of running in 2012.
SATURDAY: One thing you have to admit: Arthur Laffer was aptly named. (Don't know who he is? I wouldn't bring him up, except he was just on Real Time with Bill Maher. Actually, you make a good point: why did I bother to bring him up at a never mind.)
SUNDAY: I don't believe religion contains the truth why would I believe Wikipedia does?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Blame? If Obama Wins, He Better Get Used To It
It's all Obama's fault.
In a last-ditch, Hail Mary, desperation effort to salvage something from the election, the McCain campaign has put out a series of ads blaming Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama for, well, everything.
Your wife left you? Obama put the idea of change in her head. Rain postponed your favourite team's ball game? Obama's frantic flying across the country has changed weather patterns in your area. Stock market crash? Oh, which one? Obama has been responsible for 10 out of the last 6 crashes!
It explains nothing by explaining everything. It's simplistic without being simple. So, remember, if something bad happens anywhere in the world at any time, it is because you voted for Barack Obama. You heartless bastard.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1007956604]
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And, The Birds Have Abandoned The Water Fountain To Play Ice Hockey In Hell
Charlie Brown has kicked the football.
After 1,378 attempts, Lucy van Pelt allowed the little round-headed kid to actually kick the pigskin. It sailed almost two feet high and four feet forward before it fell to the ground.
"Well, that was anti-climactic," Brown stated amid the laughter.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641765641444687fx]
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Atlas Went For A Soda
Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has admitted to Congress that he "made a mistake" when he trusted financial institutions to regulate themselves. He was, in short, the most expensive deer caught in headlights the world has ever known.
The Bush administration remember the Bush administration? The American government is still run by the Bush administration immediately tried to recast the testimony. "When Alan said he had made a mistake," chirped Press Secretary Dana Perino and, isn't her chirp becoming more squeak-like every day? "he meant he should have worn a dark blue tie with his suit when he talked about how financial institutions regulate themselves. The canary yellow tie sent the wrong message to the, uhh, to the markets."
Of course.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/87^.htm]
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You Think The Lines For TIFF Are Bad? Imagine The Checkpoints...
The Toronto Palestine Film Festival is complaining to city council that its rights are being trampled by the Toronto Israel Film Festival. "The Israel Film Festival is putting up a wall through major streets in the city," complained Palestine Film Festival organizer Schmuel Gonzales. "Of course, all of the best theatres lie on their side of the wall. This is nothing less than an attempt to keep the Palestine Film Festival from getting the audience that it deserves!"
"That's ridiculous!" Mona Mosdegha, communications director of the Israel Film Festival, protested. "We are just protecting the theatres and audience that Jews were promised in the Old Testament!"
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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You Could Live...You Could Die Neither One's A Picnic
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1476853029]
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Bodies In Motion, Bodies Arrest
The American government has finally admitted that nobody being held at Guantanamo Bay has ever been involved with terrorism. "We had to drop all of the charges," one officer, who asked not to be identified, admitted. "We couldn't convict any of them of spitting on the sidewalk in Ramallah!"
Setting aside the question of whether or not, after American bombing, there are any sidewalks left in Ramallah, how does this square with former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's contention that the Guantanamo prison held "the worst of the worst?"
"Oh, that's easy," said Colonel Esperanza Laxity, who was willing to go on the record to answer this question. "We've held completely innocent men for over five years without charge, quite likely torturing them to boot. If that becomes common knowledge, nobody will believe America is committed to the rule of law, and we will become an international pariah state. Then, the terrorists will have won."
When it was pointed out to Colonel Laxity that the fact that innocent men had been held for over five years without charge and quite likely tortured was common knowledge, she asked for anonymity again before answering, "Oops. Our bad."
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFEQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/28/JD423O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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