Thank you, rcnchtncgm, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you know that your name is an anagram of crhgmtcncn? Or, hrmtcccgnn? Or?or?would it have killed your mother to give your name a couple of vowels? Really?
Enjoy,Uhh, Bill, Don't You Want To Wait For The Debate To Happen Before You Declare A Winner?
Yeah, yeah, Vice Presidential debate. Everybody knows Sarah Palin won by exceeding expectations. She didn't fall over. She hardly drooled on herself, and that was mostly in the second half of the debate, when most viewers had already gone off to watch their DVDs of the first season of Heroes (the good season). It was obvious that Sarah Palin won the debate: most of her words were English, and many of her sentences actually had both a noun and a verb.
Shame on Joe Biden, the obvious loser! How dare that...that...sexist use his experience and knowledge to beat up on a girl!
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2633,93207,007.html]
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Even If The Salad Dressing Itself Tastes Yummy
Actor, businessman and philanthropist Paul Newman has died. Jokes about what goes into his Newman's Own salad dressings are now officially in bad taste.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Niche Knowing You
After a speech in Saskatoon in which he called the arts "a niche issue" that "ordinary Canadians" can't identify with, people have questioned whether Conservative leader Stephen Harper even knows a single ordinary Canadian.
The Conservatives have responded with a press release claiming that, while he doesn't spend time with ordinary Canadians outside of elections, Harper does have an imaginary ordinary friend that he has known since childhood. "His name is Fred Johnston," the press release stated. "He lives in Kitchener, Ontario. He is 43 years old and has worked all of his adult life on a Ford assembly line?until it was closed down a year ago. Now, he mostly sits around the house bitching about immigrants taking all the good jobs and drinking beer bought with money that should be going to his oldest daughter's college fund. His mistress has left him in disgust, but that hasn't stopped his wife from being suspicious about the affair. He watches American television on the moral grounds that 'at least none of my taxpayer dollars went into producing it!' and can't wait for the Buffalo Bills to become the first Canadian NFL team so that wimpy CFL can finally go down the tubes.
"And, yes, Stephen Harper's imaginary friend votes Conservative."
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Only If She Wears Lipstick So Law Enforcement Can Tell Them Apart
Sixteen states have enacted or drafted laws to restrict and control pit bulls, including heavily contested states such as Florida and Ohio. Does this mean Sarah Palin will not be allowed to campaign in them?
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Somebody Is A Slow Learner
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1322933098]
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And, You Wouldn't Want Energy Policy To Be Based On Them!
House Republicans claimed that a bill to allow offshore drilling as little as 50 miles from the shoreline was not good enough because experts at the Interior Department's Minerals Management Service told them all the good oil reserves are three to 50 miles from shore.
Nice to see that MMS officials are willing to take time away from their drug taking and sexual liaisons with oil company executives to write reports. I know when I used to take drugs and have orgies in college, all of my reports used to alternate between saying, "Hey, man!" and drawings of hearts with smiles in them.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Juan Valdez Is Grateful
The disappearance of Fox News last month has had some remarkable effects. The nation's IQ appears to have risen 27 points. Barack Obama has handily been elected as president, American troops have started leaving Iraq and George W. Bush and Dick Cheney have been handed over to The Hague, where they are to be tried for war crimes.
"It's like...waking up from a bad dream," man on the street Jill Ashkenaz commented. "Only, you're sharing your morning cup of coffee with three hundred million other people!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=38822641316461312787fx]
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Juan Valdez Is Unimpressed
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Hey, Dipshit: Disrespectful, Yet Attention-getting
Hey, dipshit,
Remember how we couldn't get you to come to our Carmela's communion? You had some lameass excuse about a burst appendix that just couldn't wait? Well, we'll be thinking of you in burning in hell on earth as we enjoy pina coladas in heaven.
Frank Tucci
Dear Marie-Claire:
You had to go and marry that Jew, didn't you?
Love,Hey, Maggie,
So, you probably haven't been saved because of the...you know. I'll pray for you in Heaven. In the meantime, some practical advice as you're stalked by Satan while the planet descends into Hell:
1. Soon after a nuclear blast, there is a rainfall that is black. If the rain isn't black, the blast probably wasn't nuclear.
2. Satan will come in the form of a self-professed messiah from Russia. Unless he's Barack Obama. I don't know - this stuff has always confused me. Stick with good old white American boys (or, white good old American boys) and you'll be safe...probably...
3. If a tin looks in any way bloated, the food in it has gone bad.
Good Luck,- letters sent to You've Been Left Behind, a Web site where Christians can post messages to be sent to others after they have been taken up in the Rapture
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382802475374748648cahs01.html]
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