Thank you, Sheila A, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you see the Billy Bragg Concert down by Harbourfront? He fell off the stage and crushed a nine year-old kid! Say what you will about Bragg's politics, but you'd never catch Mick Jagger doing something like that!
Enjoy,Hard News, Soft Head
Dear Missed Manners,
While I don't usually go for the strong, swarthy type, I must admit that I am experiencing my "first Muslim crush:" a boy named Mubin Shaikh. For a mere $300,000, he infiltrated a radical Islamic sect bent on causing mayhem in Canada, and testified to it in court.
He even stood his ground under oath when he was called a liar. Of course, it was the Crown that called him that because there seemed to be inconsistencies in his testimony - are they allowed to do that to their own witness? Anyway, the whole liar thing has got me in a muddle - is Mubin really a hero, or was I taken in by a man with a smooth patter and willingness to sell out people of his own faith (a virtue when the faith happens not to be my own)?
Crush Confused Christie
Dear Heart,
You really should choose your crushes better.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088556231813&call_pageid=967735278492&col=968646972154]
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He Has God's Unlisted Telephone Number, And Can Use It Whenever He Wants To "Just Chat"
He doesn't look both ways when crossing the street, doesn't even look to see if the light is with him, because cars always part to let him pass the moment he steps off the curb. He has never owned a vacuum cleaner - dirt seems to be repelled by his presence. Every year, he knits his father a silk tie. When he receives it, his father, who doesn't wear ties because of a childhood throat condition, weeps for joy. Scientists want to study him because his charisma has been known to suck all of the air out of a room, creating a more perfect vacuum than they have ever seen. He is okay with the fact that we relate his fabulousness in a joking way calculated not to make the people who hear this ad feel inferior, even though this necessarily diminishes him.
He is the most interesting person in the world.
And, he's my friend, not yours.
"I don't drink beer. But, when they threaten to burn down my house and kill my family if I don't cooperate, I pretend to: Miyazaki's. Stay stupid, my friends."
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1057952602]
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It Is An Accurate Description Of Cabinet, Though
Thirty Conservative MPs and other Parliamentary types went to a special screening of Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, a movie by American Ben Stein about resistance to teaching creationism in schools. This was a week after Conservative MPs accepted invitations to but did not show up for, a screening of Young People Fucking.
Is any more evidence necessary that this government has its priorities all screwed up?
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/makeantisciencenotlove.htm]
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Just One More Thread In The Rich Tapestry That Is Conspiracy Theories
Has anybody seen or heard from Mike? He hasn't updated the Ultimate Conspiracy Page in, like, months. I think something must have happened to him. I didn't always agree with him, of course - nobody did, not even his mother, and she was genetically predisposed to. Still, he was the first person to make the connection between Roswell and the strange, possibly Illuminati-derived markings on Campbell's soup cans. If he is missing, he would be missed. Anybody have any ideas about what could have happened to him?
SOURCE: Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignorebobatyourperil.com/conspiracy2318.html]
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Oh, I'm Getting Wet Just Thinking About It!
SNARKASM (noun): 1. snarky sarcasm. 2. the rush of pleasure one gets from using snarky sarcasm. EXAMPLE: "I've had to carry extra tissues with me because every time he talks about George W. Bush, he has a snarkasm. I'm beginning to think he's a snarkasm addict."
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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What Have Caribou Contributed To The GNP Lately?
President George Bush has called for an end to a ban on drilling off the coasts of the United States. However, environmental activists point out that the additional oil and natural gas found there would add a mere six minutes to American reserves.
What's really going on here? Apparently, Bush is sending a message to oil producing countries, foremost of them Saudi Arabia, that the United States will do anything for oil. "We'll kill polar bears, caribou, make 27 different kinds of turtles vanish off the face of the earth forever," Bush appears to be saying. "We're crazy motherfuckers who just don't give a shit about anything. So, you really want to open the taps and lower the price of oil...don't you?"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106727100243460.xml]
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They'll Find Slim Pickings - Lobbyists Beat Them To It
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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But, Will God Agree To Appear On His Show? (Or, Is He Actually Appearing On God's Show?)
Meet the Press host Tim Russert is now in a position to interview god. He may pull a "gotcha" out of his bag of tricks (such as: "Wasn't Satan always your favourite angel?"), but he's not expected to ask any tough policy questions, such as god's position on human suffering.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Action On Global Environmental Change? Don't Hold Your Breath
We don't mean to be alarmist, but Stephane Dion's carbon tax IS THE LARGEST, MOST DESTRUCTIVE TAX GRAB IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE! Don't believe it? Did you know that the carbon tax WILL BE LEVIED ON BREATHING? That's right! You breath in oxygen, and breath out carbon dioxide - the environment is being destroyed with every breath you take! Every Canadian will be forced to wear a mask so that their breathing can be metered!
Not only that, but, using the same logic, DION's CARBON TAX WILL BE APPLIED TO FARTING! That's right - it's really a flatulence tax! If Dion has his way, chili and baked beans sales in Canada will plummet!
DON't LET THIS HAPPEN! Join NCAL's fight against the flatulence tax! Write your MP angry, rationally incoherent letters using our template! Breath heavily even when you haven't physically exerted yourself! DO SOMETHING! If you don't, our children may grow up never knowing what baked beans are!
SOURCE: National Coalition of Anti-tax Loonies Home Page
[http://www.ncal.ca/HomeSweetHome.html]
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