Chart One:
A literalization of a visual metaphor.
Thank you, Elefteria Robinson, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Umm, yeah. So, like, we’d like to apologize to the judicial system for the cavalier attitude we showed towards it last week. We would especially like to apologize to Judge Wallace, who, we are sure, doesn’t really have a stick up her ass. And, even if we aren’t entirely sincere in that belief, our lawyers have convinced us that it would be best for all concerned if we acted as though we were. So, believe us, we have the utmost respect for you, Judge Wallace. Any time you need some varnish, don’t hesitate to ask.
Enjoy,The Other Shoe Drops – Is There NO Good News For This Economy?
It is not uncertainty.
It is not market volatility.
It is not a case of economic woes.
The economy is not shuddering.
The economy is not getting skittish.
It is not an economic slowdown.
It is not a downturn.
It is not a correction.
It certainly is not an economic blooper.
Listen up, economist assholes. The economy is in a recession. I know you feel that investors are children who must have the truth hidden from them. But, if you continue to treat them like children, how do you expect them to grow up and make wise investment decisi –
Oh.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Proving, Once Again, That The Sequel Is Never As Good As The Original
In this time of primaries, Former Republican enforcer Tom DeLay can still be heard peddling his anti-global climate change rhetoric. Recently on Fox News, DeLay explained that the polar ice caps aren’t melting because of human activity.
“It’s a flood,” DeLay explained. “You know. Like in Noah’s times. God has looked down upon humanity and found it wanting, so he is flooding the world to cleanse it of our evil. It’s just that, uhh, god is not as wrathful these days as he used to be, so, umm, this flood is moving in slow motion.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106744630267760.xml]
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I Prefer Medium Sized Chartreuse Lies (The Ones That Just Confuse Everybody)
A study by experts at the University of Toronto and Zhejiang Normal University in China suggests that people learn to tell little white lies as early as the age of four. Watching children playing, the scientists overheard them saying things like, “No. Of course that diaper doesn’t make you look fat!” and “You look great with that poo in your hair. I’m serious. Poo really suits you.”
The scientists have no idea what to make of this. Honest.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3EC-24C41-20K5-ABA1564614B711111]
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How Can Popes Be Infallible When They’re Not Allowed To Use Foul Language?
The Vatican has changed the wording of a Latin prayer recently reintroduced by Pope Benedict XVI into Good Friday services. According to an unofficial translation, the prayer originally read: “Let us pray for the Jews, those godless, Christ-killing bastards who deserve to burn in Hell unless they immediately convert to Catholicism.” The Vatican has changed the word “bastards” to the phrase “people born out of wedlock.”
Abe Foxyman of the American Anti-Defamation League of Jewish Gentlement said of the new text: “It is less offensive in its language, but I can’t help but feel that maybe the Vatican has missed the point of our concerns.”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=433&but=allis1]
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Why Do Conservatives Always Seem To Put The Doggle Before The Boon?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Those “Related Items” Bear Close Scrutiny
The Conservative government of Stephen Harper has put the opposition on notice that any sneeze coming from their side of the floor will be taken as a vote of no confidence and trigger an election. “Sneezing in our direction will be considered a sign of hostility,” Harper told the Commons during Question Period. “Not to mention that it is unsanitary, and generally icky.”
Constitutional experts pointed out that autonomic bodily functions had never been used as an excuse to call an election in Canada’s history.
Meanwhile, Liberal leader Stephane Dion complained that this was a transparent ploy by the Conservatives to call an election while placing the blame for the call on others. He pointed out that, in the week before Harper’s announcement, the government’s expenditure on “pepper and related items” had nearly doubled.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/somethingtosneezeat.htm]
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Macroeconomics For Yummies
The Conference Board of Canada, which never met a foreign takeover it didn’t like, has argued that fears of the hollowing out of corporate Canada due to foreign ownership are overblown. It argues that just as many Canadian companies have invested abroad as foreign companies have invested in Canada.
To show the fallacy of this reasoning, consider the following chart:
The pie on the left is the Canadian economy. It is a peach economic pie. As you can see – no, you know what, I’m not a big fan of peach. Let’s make it a blueberry economic pie. Blueberry goes down a lot smoother. Of course, it’s not very exoti – I know! It’s boysenberry! Yeah! Tasty and different! Okay, so, the pie on the left is a tasty and exotic boysenberry Canadian economic pie.
The pie on the right is the world economy. It could be cherry. It could be banana. It could even be prune. But, let’s be honest, it’s an apple pie, especially from a Canadian perspective. Now, assuming that the black represents Canadian investment and the white represents foreign investment, it should be easy to see that…umm…you should be able to…err…
You know, all this talk of pies has made me kind of hungry. I think I’ll go down to the corner café and get me some. We can continue this some other time.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=480&dir=bb]
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