Thank you, Triantaphyllos Rice, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we thought it would be a good idea to promote our coffee maker as the hardest working member of our team. Well. In its first day on Facebook, the coffee maker signed up over 10,000 friends. That’s 9,954 more than our most popular human staff member. There was an uproar, and work in the office ground to a halt as various staff members expressed at unbelievable length their existential angst over the whole – HEY! YOU SNEAKY BASTARDS ARE USING THIS AS ANOTHER EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF YOUR OFFICE RESPONSIBIITIES, AREN’T YOU? GET A LIFE! THEN, GET BACK TO WORK!
Enjoy,Shocking News (Oh, You Di’ent!)
The RCMP has started an investigation into one of its officers, Lauren Tweezer-Romjin, who is alleged to have tasered her boyfriend when he refused to give her oral sex.
“This involuntary electrocution was entirely by the book,” Clayton Ruby, Tweezer-Romjin’s lawyer stated, “and, I must say, occurred only after the most extreme provocation. I expect my client to be fully exonerated.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20071130.eladvote1130_@/BNStory/newsTasertastrophe2007/]
more
Policies So Triangulated You Could Use Them To Set Up A Rack Of Billiard Balls
Q: Can I be a good feminist and still have reservations about Hillary Clinton’s candidacy for President?
A: No.
Q: But what if I oppose her stand on –
A: No. No exceptions.
Q: But –
A: In fact, you’re jeopardizing your standing as a good feminist just by asking the question.
Q: Oh!
A: You’re welcome.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1062]
more
Oh, Can’t We Watch Just A Little More? Please?
In response to a court report that recommends that he should be given a seven year jail term, Conrad Black wrote, “I will not use the word ‘victory’ until this entire outrage has been confined to the proverbial dustbin of history.”
The proverbial dustbin of history? How abut the painfully clichéd dustbin of history? (Not to mention the fact that the only proverb that prominently features a dustbin of history was rejected by Confucious over 2,000 years ago as not worthy of a fortune cookie!) What’s the point of giving him a jail sentence? The loquacious Black has been reduced to mouthing trite sentiments – surely, he has suffered enough!
And, what about the subordinate clauses? Where, exactly, are all the subordinate clauses? Black speaks in compound/complex sentences – he wouldn’t bother to open his mouth without allowing at least 150 words to tumble out! Please, please stop the persecution and allow Conrad Black to regain his voice! This is just too painful to watch!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e7-4c36-bf9b-07b228cc48ec]
more
Signing With The Leafs Or Signing Up For A Tour Of Duty In Afghanistan – Tough Call
Several eight year-olds dropped the gloves and started pushing and shoving each other while other members of their teams jumped off the benches and wrestled each other to the ice after a Minor Hockey Association game in Guelph.
As parents looked on in horror, Don Cherry nodded in approval and said, “These boys have a great career in the NHL ahead of them. In fact, some of them should be drafted by the Maple Leafs right now!”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56244433665]
more
This Cultural Revolution Is Neither
9pm. CBC. Beyond the Red Wall: The Persecution of Falun Gong. The documentary that condemned the Chinese government when it first aired in October has been “edited to make it more balanced.” Now, it shows Chinese officials getting drunk at a Girls Gone Wild taping and making out with fashion models in their limos. It’s a humanizing thing. We guess.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
Oh, Puddle Fuddle!
SUKH DHALIWAL (Liberal, Newton-North Delta): Will the Honourable Minister please explain to the House why Robert Dziekanski was allowed to roam through the Vancouver airport for ten hours without getting the help he needed?
STOCKWELL DAY, PUBLIC SAFETY MINISTER (Conservative, Okanagan Coquihalla): Ah, well, I don’t think –
DHALIWAL: He had many encounters with security officers before the RCMP decided to Taser him, including one who spoke some Polish. Is it not true that his death was completely avoidable?
DAY: You, uhh, see… [The Minister looked at the Prime Minister’s seat, but the Prime Minister was out of the country. The Minister shook uncontrollably. The Minister puddled in his pants. The Minister ran out of the room sobbing like a baby.]
- Canadian Hansard
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/10809680245374786cahs01.html]
more
Oyster Perpetual Cosmograph Daytona?
The Zen of Spam
Milk Rocket Ice-cream Chisel Stomach?SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/208.html]
more
That’s When Your Brain Has Twisted So Much It Finally Enters Hyperspace
Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has gone on record as saying that President Bush told him to tell the press that Karl Rove and Scooter Libby had nothing to do with the leaking of CIA agent Valerie Plame’s identity. “There was one problem,” McClellan said in a written statement based on material from his soon to be published memoir. “It was not true.”
The White House immediately issued a statement denying the implication that the President was part of a cover-up, insisting that, “You can’t trust anything McClellan says. He’s a known liar!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Nov24.html]
more
Is That Good If Only Australia Likes What It’s Hearing?
At a weekend Commonwealth meeting on climate change, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper stamped his feet, threw his food to the floor and threatened to hold his breath until his face turned blue if he wasn’t given concessions that would make any climate change agreement meaningless.
An unapologetic Harper said afterwards, “I think for the first time in a very long time Canada’s voice is being heard.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20071127.eladvote1127_@/BNStory/newsVocalyokel2007/]
more