The Daily Me – Sadaharu Kobayashi

Thank you, Sadaharu Kobayashi, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, O. J. made it into the headlines, and once again we’re partying like it’s 1996!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

A Veiled Threat To Democracy

Prime Minister Stephen Harper, not to be outdone by those who have called on Chief Electoral Officer Marc Mayrand to force veiled voters to uncover their faces at the polls, insists that Mayrand force voters who use mail-in ballots to show up at polls to identify themselves.

Shaking his head sadly, Mayrand stated that if his critics would only read it, they would find that there was nothing in the legislation that banned women from voting wearing veils. “It’s bad enough we have to pass legislation,” the Prime Minister retorted. “Now, Mayrand insists that we actually read it, too? Clearly, he has lost touch with reality.”

SOURCE: The 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Ice-Nine – Now, There’s A Toxic Substance You Don’t Hear About Every Day

Anita Roddick, founder of the socially and ecologically conscientious Body Shop chain, has died of a brain hemorrhage. At the time of her death, her body contained unhealthy levels of lead, arsenic, plutonium, polonium, dioxin, PCBs, kryptonite, asbestos, Ice-Nine, Soylent Green and, for some unknown reason, extract of carp.

SOURCE: Obits R’ Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Canada Has An Enduring Relationship With America, And Your Troops Aren’t Occupying Our Coun – Oh, Shit!

“These Iraqi leaders have asked for an enduring relationship with America.” - President George W. Bush

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Nazis Danced A Mean Marimba, Too

9pm. Iranian State Television Six. Zero Degree Turn. The uplifting story of an Iranian diplomat who helped smuggle about 500 Jews out of Occupied France during World War II by issuing them false Iranian passports. Of course, current Iranian President “Chuckles” Ahmadinejad has denied the Holocaust, claiming that only 20 German Jews died, half of them from severe ingrown toenails. So, Zero Degree Turn may end up being the uplifting story of a diplomat who plays euchre with a Jew while the German occupiers sing show tunes and dance the Can Can.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Gossip Boy Rulz!

DEAR MISSED MANNERS: There was this boy. Well, he wasn’t so much a boy as he was a Fed Chairman. His name was Alan. I thought he liked me. Like, really liked me. But, then I read his diary, in the form of a 650 page autobiography, and, it turns out, he really liked my arch-rival Bill instead. How will I ever be able to live with the humiliation?

DEAR HEART: Who, really, can understand the fickleness of boy Fed Chairmen? Today, it might be Bill. Tomorrow, it could be Stephen, or even Mahmoud. Whatever you do, don’t change your fiscal policies just to please Alan – you will be betraying your core beliefs and he’ll never respect you for it.

Besides, living with humiliation has never seemed to be a problem for you.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1085591831813&call_pageid=968336978492&col=933466972154]
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I Will Not Bomb Them, Pakistan-I-Am

PAKISTAN PRESIDENT GENERAL PERVEZ MUSHARRAF: I know that, technically, I am not allowed to run for another term in office. However, if I am allowed to run and have the good fortune to win, I will resign my military post.

JOURNALIST: Sounds goo – what’s the matter with your eye?

MUSHARRAF: My eye?

JOURNALIST: Yeah.

MUSHARRAF: There’s nothing wrong with my eye.

JOURNALIST: It’s flapping up and down something fierce – are you trying to send me a message in Morse Code or something?

MUSHARRAF: Oh, that.

JOURNALIST: Yeah. That.

MUSHARRAF: That’s just winking. Don’t your politicians wink?

JOURNALIST: Well, yeah. I guess. Only, winking is supposed to be…subtle, you know?

MUSHARRAF: (sighs) The nuances of western politics are so difficult for a simple military leader to understand…

SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama

[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/mashedpotatoesman.shtml]
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Oops, I If I Did It Again

If I Robbed It
O. J. Simpson
?

A “fictitious” account of the recent robbery in Las Vegas in which O. J. Simpson was alleged to have taken part. When he wrote If I Did It, who knew that Simpson was embarked on the development of a book series?

SOURCE: Unread Book News

[http://217.204.41.40/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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They Did Have A System. It’s Called Going Bankrupt And Letting The Federal Government Deal With It

“Why would subprime lenders put themselves in this precarious position? The simple answer is they thought they had a system to mitigate their risk while still making a profit.” - Don Campbell, “What subprime crisis?” Financial Post

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Satire Is In The Legal Brief Of The Beholder

As I Meant It

I thought I was being clever as a fox
When I wrote that the Councilor should sleep in a pine box
I didn’t mean it literally
The box was a metaphor for a nation descending into anarchy
I chose the image because it easily shocks

I didn’t mean to ignite her ire
I was just writing a bit of harmless satire
It never occurred to me how much she’d resent it
Unfortunately the Councilor didn’t read the poem as I meant it

The line about stuffing her in a garbage can
Was a comic reflection on man’s inhumanity to man
I wasn’t saying she was unfit for her civic role
Because she appeared to be obsessed with potholes
And not the city’s larger urban plan

When I said she should be set on fire
The line was intended as satire
I suppose there was no way I could prevent it
But the Councilor didn’t read the poem as I meant it

Yes, the words were harsh, and stranger,
But she was never in any real danger
I am a man who is old and feeble
And was merely trying to amuse people
In my way as a humble metaphor arranger

Try as they might, few can aspire
To writing anything as exalted as satire
And I do not intend to repent it
The Councilor really should have read it as I meant it!

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/203.html]
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Why Not? We Left Reality A Long Time Ago…

Defence Secretary Robert Gates raised the possibility that as many as 269,000 American troops could leave Iraq in 2008. That would mean that the US would be bringing home 100,000 more troops than are currently in the country. “That would be the math…” Gates stated, quickly adding that “there is no script” for actually accomplishing the goal.

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106229800968460.xml]
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