Thank you, youichi sakamoto, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Are you suggesting that we wouldn’t make good parents for Lindsay Lohan? We have jobs that are almost, kind of, sorta, you know, respectable and stuff. We stopped torturing interns years ago (well, physically, anyway). And, we know how to do speedballs and not get caught by the law or, you know, die and stuff. We’re perfect role models!
Enjoy,AAAAARRRGH! GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
In a speech at the Woodrow Wilson International Centre for Scholars, Barack Obama announced that he would authorize attacks inside Pakistan if he had intelligence that there were terrorist bases there. Wow. He didn’t even wait to be elected President before he was captured by the military-industrial complex!
Meanwhile, much has been made of Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage over the weekend. Is this a shameless bid to win over the much coveted drooling adolescent male demographic? Or, is it merely sexist pandering?
The same controversy occurred in the 2004 election, of course, when, as we all remember, Vice President Dick Cheney bared his man boobs on Larry King Live. We…we decided not to mock up a graphic of that – even without one, it’s still an image that’s going to haunt people’s dreams for weeks to come!
SOURCE: The Day to Day Show with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more
At Least They Waited For The Ink On The Pact To Dry…
To celebrate the impending first anniversary of the signing of the trade agreement that brought peace to the Canadian lumber industry, the American lumber industry is planning to launch arbitration proceedings against Canadian softwood lumber producers. Will the Stephen Harper Conservatives admit that they were naïve in thinking the powerful American lumber lobby would be satisfied by the deal? Of course not. That would mean admitting that the Conservatives were wrong, and Conservatives are never wrong.
In response to the threatened arbitration, Harper plans to negotiate another deal, a side deal to the side deal to NAFTA, that would give 50 per cent of the profits of Canadian lumber producers to American lumber producers. When that isn’t enough, Harper will negotiate a side deal to the side deal to the side deal to NAFTA that will give American lumber producers 99 per cent of the revenues of Canadian lumber producers, as well as allowing the Americans to piss all over Canadian lumber company executives.
It’s hard to tell how Canadians will deal with this new deal, although many of them might enjoy the pissing on Canadian executives provision if it’s televised.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070805.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsTradeCatastrophe2007/]
more
And, Heavy Medical Journal Reading May Lead To Marijuana Use
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1326538948]
more
Who Are Those People, And Why Is Your Puzzle About Them?
DON’T MISQUOTE ME
THEME: Jim Carrey Lines
1. “Ssssssssssmokin’!”
2. “One man’s toxic waste is another man’s potpourri.”
3. “If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer.”
A. Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)
B. Mike Werb (The Mask)
C. Jack Bernstein, Tom Shadyac and Jim Carrey (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591831813&call_pageid=9?8335278492&col=968???972154]
more
Thoughtful, And Yet…
An interstate bridge jammed with rush hour traffic suddenly broke into huge pieces and collapsed into the Mississippi River. All insurgent activity in Iraq ceased for 24 hours so that we could give you blanket coverage of the bridge’s collapse.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2007/ALLDISASTERSS/08/05/reps.main/index.html]
more
M. C. Escher Is Their Head Of Programming
The CRTC has ordered History Television to stop airing reruns of CSI: New York, arguing that the content of the series doesn’t fit the network’s mandate. In response, the network has asked if making CSI: New York history on History will make it appropriate programming again.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
more
At Least 30, Maybe Even 40 Years Old
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376533038MoreHeadlines.htm]
more
Avoid Schadenfreude
Conrad Black Gut Check
Q: Did you started feeling sorry for the convicted felon after an American court decided that he could not return to Canada while awaiting his appeal?
A: Aww, hell, no! It’s gonna take a lot more than that to make Black a sympathetic character!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Ponder (Verb): To Reflect Deeply (Rarely Applied To Politicians)
Pander: (intransitive verb) indulge weaknesses: to indulge somebody's weaknesses or questionable wishes and tastes. EXAMPLE: John Tory’s promise to fund all religious schools in Ontario panders to ethnic voters.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
more
Canada’s National Sport? Don’t Bettman On It
National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman is breathing a sigh of relief that a consortium of investors has made an offer to buy the floundering Nashville Predators that will see the team stay in the American city. Bettman, who had said that he would die rather than see the team move to a Canadian city, feels reprieved.
“It’s like…like being born again,” Bettman commented. “Flowers smell sweeter…the ice is faster…money is greener. I can’t explain it, but, somehow, life is so much sweeter now that Canada won’t be getting another team…”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#76238133667]
more
If The Bill Hadn’t Been Passed, The Puppies Would Have Won
Congress narrowly passed a bill allowing President Bush to determine when it would be appropriate to torture puppies. “While we have some philosophical differences over the President’s War on Terrorist Household Pets,” Majority House Leader Nancy Pelosi stated, “we agreed that this was a necessary measure to protect our children.”
Some critics of the bill have suggested that Democrats were so intent on leaving for their August break that they didn’t even bother reading it before voting. “That’s not true,” replied Senator Hubert Q. Dommasse (D. Texas), from the porch of his ranch. “I read it. Well, I read parts of it. Okay, I had an intern read it and give me the highlights. Except, she didn’t really give me any of the highlights. But, hey, this margarita sure is tasty!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Aug05.html]
more