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Enjoy,Stats Can’t
A Statistic Canada report shows that crime is the lowest it has been in 25 years. The number of homicides is down 10 per cent, although violent crimes like assault and attempted murder have increased. You might think that this is cause for celebration, but it’s not, and we only have the Canadian medical community to blame.
If doctors weren’t doing their jobs so well, more people who were assaulted would die. Then, the crime statistics would be a more accurate reflection of the horrific violence that is an everyday occurrence on our streets.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2007/07/20/509828.html]
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Oh, Hermione!
There are so many rumours circulating on the Internet about how Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ends that it’s impossible to know which one to believe. So, we’ve reprinted all of them in the hopes that one of them is correct and will spoil your enjoyment of the novel.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler Update: It seems that Harry does kill the evil Valdemort, but loses his ability to use magic in the process. Harry spends the rest of his life as a clerk in a Wal-Mart that opens in Little Whinging, working under a cruel manager named Dante. Meanwhile, Ron is devastated when he discovers Hermione kissing Cho Chang. Hogwarts will never be same again.
SOURCE: Ha Ha, Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
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No, The Second, You’re Obviously Unclear On The Concept And No, He Wasn’t
MONDAY: I like new music, but I would never fall into the Modest Mouse trap. (If I *groan*, will that mitigate the fact that I made the pun in the first place?)
TUESDAY: Which scares you more: the thought that there are vast conspiracies at work in the world of which you are only dimly aware, or the thought that there aren’t?
WEDNESDAY: Okay, I’ve gotta ask: why is there a comic strip called Non Sequitur that rarely actually uses non sequiturs?
THURSDAY: I guess now we’ll never find out if Matt Albee was related to Edward Albee…
FRIDAY: Steven Seagall is suing a law firm that once represented him, claiming that it charged him excessive fees. Hmm…I wonder who is going to take his case.
SATURDAY: The problem with life is that it only reveals its meaning at the end, when it’s too late to do us any good.
SUNDAY: To promote the new Simpsons movie, a 55 metre figure of Homer Simpson was painted next to a 17th century giant carved into rock in Cerne Abbas, Dorset. And, why not? Matt Groening hasn’t ever done enough to piss off the pagan community.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Red Hot Chile Players
Toronto police officers were accused of being racist after roughly handling fans of the Chilean under 20 soccer team after a tough loss to Argentina. However, as anybody who has been at a pro-pot or anti-Tory rally can tell them, racism had nothing to do with it: that was just our cops being cops.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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It’s Also An Excuse For Illegal Behaviour That White Collar Criminals Don’t Use Nearly Enough
John Mackey, chairman and chief executive officer of Whole Foods Market, apologized yesterday for posting anonymous messages to Internet stock forums promoting his company and denigrating his competitors.
“At first, it seemed like harmless fun,” Mackey explained. “When it got to the point where I was posting for six hours or more a day, my friends tried to convince me that I had a problem. But, I didn’t think I had a problem. That’s the insidious nature of addiction.”
Whole Foods Market issued a press release stating that Mackey was going into rehab for his forum posting addiction, and that it really wasn’t necessary for the Securities and Exchange Commission to hold any silly stock manipulation investigations. After all, addiction is an illness, not an actionable offense.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113413392471118404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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This Isn’t A Headline, It’s A Compact Information Transmission Device
A Strategic Council report to Foreign Affairs says that the public feels “that much of what the government says [about the war in Afghanistan] is propaganda intended to appeal to the voting public and to spin stories in a positive manner.” Its solution? Better propaganda. The Report advises, for instance, that the government should stop talking about “fighting terrorism” and focusing on “rebuilding” the country or “enhancing the lives of women and children.”
This is a good start, but I think, if it is to sell Canadians on a mission a substantial number of them do not want, the government will have to be more aggressive in selling the damn thing, or, in new government parlance, take a more proactive stance on public perception management of the Afghan situation.
Canada should not be described as being at war: we are aggressively pursuing peace through military engagement. We don’t ask for airstrikes against villages: we request tactical airborne support for hamlet pacification. And, of course, we never kill anybody. We just actuate a premature cessation of vital life functions.
The new language isn’t likely to change anybody’s opinions, but it will offer Camadians an endless source of amusement. And, isn’t that what government is for?
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/64.htm]
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The Loathing Is Mutual
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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We’re Just Wild About Harry!
The Latest Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler Update: Voldemort kills Harry and is about to take over the world when J. K. Rowling appears and tells him that if he doesn’t take over Dumbledore’s position at Hogwarts, she’ll turn the books into a series of Broadway musicals called Harry! Hagrid becomes Secretary of Defense in the next Conservative British government. Hogwarts will never be the same again.
SOURCE: Ha Ha, Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
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