Thank you, J. J. Halloween, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were feeling nostalgic, so we revisited the alien attack on our offices. Good times. Of course, while we were reminiscing about the death rays that tore apart the public relations department, the deadline for this issue came and went. Oh, well.
Enjoy,Judge Not, Lest Ye Be – Oh, Wait, That’s Their Job…
Differences between Canadians and Americans #327: The American government appoints conservatives to the highest courts in the land. The Canadian government appoints Conservatives to the committees that will recommend judges to be appointed to the highest courts in the land.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Maybe We Should Be Keeping Frank And Gordon Under Indefinite Detention
Odds that a Canadian will…
…be gnawed to death by beavers: 1 in 735,000
… be sucked down the drain of their bathtub and have to eke out a living in the sewers, eventually to be knocked off by a rabid rat jealous of their encroachment on its territory: 1 in 993,000
…die in a terrorist attack on North America: 1 in 1,500,000
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=482&dir=bb]
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To Think That These Are The People Who DIDN’T Flunk Out After The First Macroeconomics Mid-term!
Economists don’t understand why so many people feel financially threatened at the same time as the economy shows signs of strength. Actually, there are a lot of things that economists don’t understand, but the fact that people feel financially threatened at the same time as the economy shows signs of strength is certainly one of them.
Allow me to explain.
Imagine that 100 people live in a house. One of them eats 100 hamburgers a day. The other 99 people have to get by eating three hamburgers a day each. Owing to market forces, the fat man (well, what do you think happens when you eat 100 hamburgers a day?) gets an extra 100 hamburgers a day while everybody else is reduced to two hamburgers a day. We’ve gone from 397 hamburgers consumed in the house to 398 hamburgers consumed, a net increase, even though the number of hamburgers consumed by most of the people in the house has actually gone down.
Since economists don’t believe anything that hasn’t been visually rendered, I offer the following graphical evidence:
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=471&dir=bb]
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And, The “Even Though The Movie Is The Least Accomplished Of His Six Nominations And Wasn’t The Best Movie Of The Year, We Have To Give Him The Award This Year Because We Don’t Want Him To God Forbid Die And Leave Us With Another Orson Welles Or Alfred Hitchcock Situation On Our Hands, And We Certainly Don’t Want The Embarrassment Of Giving Him A Lifetime Achievement Award Without Giving Him Anything During His Actual Lifetime” Award Goes To
Martin Scorsese for The Departed.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2007/2007/02/26/oscarsschmoscars/]
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For, Really, Who Would Not Be Against Stu – Oh…
As the handbasket inches ever closer to that extreme, eternal source of heat (and nobody thought to bring sunscreen!), the neocons continue to attack those who opposed the war in Iraq. Their continued insistence that opponents of the war hate President Bush rings increasingly hollow, considering how critical they have become of his prosecution of the war.
Still. For the record, I’m not anti-Bush. I’m anti-stupidity. Can I help it if the two happen to coincide so often?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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If You Aren’t Bilking The Government, You’re A Communist
You don’t enjoy driving on roads. You don’t enjoy sending your children to school. You don’t enjoy the protection of the fire department or the police.
That’s why ScrewFile, the tax filing software, pores over every aspect of your life to find every possible deduction you can claim. And, when it has exhausted all legal options, it makes deductions up.
ScrewFile. Because the common good…is bad.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1007952602]
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ParticInaction
Fat For LifeThe problem with dieting is, frankly, that it takes more effort than most people are actually willing to put into it. Sure, the quality of your life will suffer 30 years from now, but that chocolate opossum meringue pie looks good now!
Fat For Life is a radical new approach to obesity. No fad diets. No unnatural acts involving expensive equipment. It helps its readers by convincing them to accept their extra chins, belly rolls and cellulite. Then, in the other 235 pages, it offers recipe after recipe that will guarantee that readers will keep their promise to keep their extra pounds!Finally, a weight regimen that everybody can get (a fat) behind!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.17/cgi/NGoto/2/64392861?3518]
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Being Highly Rated Is Overrated
Ode To Imperfection (That Means You, Too)
After you die, no one will careAnd, though you may find it a bit weird
I gotta tell ya, bubbe
Maybe your voice was a little high
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/166.html]
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Most Adults Do It Without The Incentive Of Prize Money
Fox. 9:30. Can You Make A Fifth Grader Cry? Jeff Foxworthy hosts this show in which adults are humiliated by grade schoolers who have a better grasp of general knowledge than they do. The adults then use their size and better understanding of human psychological weakness to see who can be the first to get revenge on the children.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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