Thank you, Artie Pupkin, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Are you related to Rupert Pupkin? Because, to tell the truth, we’re not really fans of his talk show, but we do admire his fashion sense.
Enjoy,Because America’s Army Just Wouldn’t Be Appropriate
The Canadian government is planning to pay $1.5 million for a combat simulator to train soldiers before they are sent into combat. One point five million. What a waste! They could have got Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell for $49.95.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Act In Hastert, Repent At Leisure
HASTERT: I accept responsibility for any failures to investigate complaints of inappropriate behavior by Representative Mark Foley toward teenage male pages.
Forty second pause.
JOURNALIST: So, what are you going to do?
HASTERT: Do?
JOURNALIST: Do? What…what are you going to do?
HASTERT: I did it.
JOURNALIST: Did what?
HASTERT: Accept responsibility.
JOURNALIST: But, what are the consequences?
HASTERT: Consequences?
JOURNALIST: Sure. Are you going to be investigated? Are you going to resign? What are you going to do?
HASTERT: I already did what I’m going to do.
JOURNALIST: Did? Did what?
HASTERT: Accept responsibility.
JOURNALIST: But, what are the consequences?
HASTERT: Consequences?
JOURNALIST: Sure. Are you going to be investigated? Are you going to resign? What are you going to do?
HASTERT: I already did what I’m going to do.
JOURNALIST: Did? Did what?
HASTERT: Accept responsibility.
JOURNALIST: But, what are the consequences?
HASTERT: Consequences?
JOURNALIST: Sure. Are you going to be…oh. Okay. I get it. Never mind.
HASTERT: Exactly.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/eternalrecurrencehorror.shtml]
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Bigotry Rides On Rationality’s Coattails
Margaret Sommerville’s opposition to same sex marriage is predicated on the idea that procreation is the basis of marriage. By this argument, couples should have children before they get married to prove that they are up to it. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall of her brain casing when she realizes the implications of that position!
CYNTHIA L. CHEWTOY, Halifax
Margaret Sommerville believes that her argument is biology-based and pro-nature. In nature, black widow spiders bite the heads off their mates after sex and eat them – is this the part of nature she suggests we emulate?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061022.eladvote1022_@/BNStory/letters2006/]
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Osama, You See/By The Dawn’s Early Light…
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Perhaps Some Conditions Are Better Left Stigmatized
“I knew there was a problem, but I…I…I just couldn’t bring myself to deal with it!” (anonymous Finance Minister)
It’s the problem too embarrassing to discuss in public: tax leakage. As corporations age and develop into income trusts, governments lose control over their ability to hold on to taxes in a timely fashionable. The resulting mess is, well, embarrassing and highly unpleasant to clean up.
Never fear! Help is on the way: corporate diapers. They’ll help you do away with the ugly stain of tax leakage, as well as the faint whiff of corruption that usually accompanies it. Best of all, they don’t interfere with your government’s day to day activities.
Corporate diapers – a sensible solution for a problem you dare not acknowledge in public.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1000952604]
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I Was Fooled…Again…
Landscapegoat (noun): denunciation of the physical world around one to cover up for one’s own failings. EXAMPLE: I know the Bush administration doesn’t want to accept that its lack of planning for the aftermath of the Iraq war has led it into a quagmire, but the way it landscapegoats the rugged terrain in the country isn’t fooling anybody.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Late Night Comedy Isn’t Supposed To Be Funny – Who Has The Energy To Laugh?
Q: Why was President Bush unable to board the Iraqi train to Victoryville?
A: Because he refused to acknowledge a timetable.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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What Do You Take Away From The Country That Has Nothing?
The Littlest Dictator, North Korea’s own Kim Jong Il, has gotten an unexpected ally in support of his nuclear development and testing plans: the American National Rifle Association.
“The only way to ensure world peace is if everybody is armed to the teeth,” Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, stated. “If you know your neighbour has nukes, you’ll think twice about letting your dog piddle on his lawn.”
“Of course, while we recommend that children be trained in the use of nuclear weapons, we don’t suggest that they actually be allowed to own their own until they turn at least 12,” he solemnly added.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/weTTe.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/ODD41O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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Corruption Starts In The House
Curt Weldon is currently under investigation for doing favours for foreign corporations in return for paying his children and friends for “lobbying” work. The Republican Representative denies he did anything wrong.
“Were you expecting me to help these companies give lobbying contracts to strangers?” Weldon defended himself. “This government has made support for families a high priority – I’m just trying to do my share. If that’s wrong, well, sir, I don’t want to be right.”
Then, he blamed Clinton and ran from the room.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1006749812263960.xml]
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How Not To Fix Al-Maliki Roof
The government headed by Nouri al-Maliki has been taken over by the Iraqi military. A junta of five men led by former interim prime minister Iyad Allawi has suspended democracy and declared itself in control of the country.
President Bush denied that it had anything to do with the coup. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow commented, “We did not see this coming. Too bad about democracy in Iraq. Still, we will have to wait until the situation stabilizes to determine if we can work with the new government.”
The new government has vowed to crack down on the violence that has torn the country apa –
Oh, no, wait a minute. The Iraqi coup won’t actually happen until next Wednesday. We got the dates supplied to us by the White House mixed up. We apologize for our mistake; please forget what you just read. No, really – wipe it from your memory.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322621313641364687fx]
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