Thank you, Zoltan the Improbable, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, realizing that, for the first time in our history, we were about to send out a Daily Me made up entirely of pointers to No Comment Quotes articles, we threw it out and made up something a little more balanced to send you. You really need a life. We suspect that you’ve heard this many times before, but it always helps to hear it from a complete stranger. Really. You need a life.
Enjoy,They Wouldn’t Be In Jail Without A Reason, Right? RIGHT?
Okay, people, let’s get on the same page, here.
When I said “I’m from the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ school,” I wasn’t referring to the scum at Guantanamo and being held in prisons in Iraq. You know, the evil bastards who want to destroy our way of life – as far as I’m concerned, they’re guilty as sin and deserve everything that happens to them. No, I was referring to the guards who have been accused of torturing them.
I’m going to make it really simple for you. Terrorist scum – no presumption of innocence. American jailers – presumption of innocence. For god’s sake, people – somebody’s gotta uphold this country’s standards of decency and fair play!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2977,962217,00.html]
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Pastiche Is A Great Ice Cream Flavour
So, I turned to CBC Newsworld to watch The Hour, but, after a few minutes, my keen TV critic’s instincts noticed that the sound wasn’t matching up with what George Strombolip – Strombokakis – Strobo – uhh, the host was saying. Turns out, what I was listening to was the Thanksgiving Audio Playhouse’s version of Bob Hope’s My Favourite Brunette.
Now, I know this was probably just a signal mix-up coming from a messed up satellite feed. However, can you blame me for hoping that it was a postmodern commentary, a pastiche of traditional television journalism?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Probably Just Slipped His Mind…
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml
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…Several Times – Good Thing Nobody Checks
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Sometimes It’s Good To Get In Touch With Your Inner Feline
MONDAY: Scarlett Johanson is worried that now that she has been named the sexiest woman alive by Esquire magazine, she won’t be admired for her mind or personality. I have some advice for her. Don’t wear the latest designer outfits, especially if they were made specifically to fit your figure. Don’t let anybody else work on your hair and makeup every time you leave the house. And stop pouting. (Maybe a lip reduction will help with that.) I do this, and the only thing men want to talk about is my personality.
TUESDAY: Was that catty? You know, I can live with it if I was being catty. I’d just like to know.
WEDNESDAY: I know that giving in to fear means giving up some freedoms. Still, can’t I be afraid of the release of the new Nick Lahey CD? Just a little?
THURSDAY: A recent study suggests that smoking marijuana may prevent the progression of Alzheimer’s. Even if untrue, at least Alzheimer’s patients who smoke marijuana won’t care.
FRIDAY: How does a woman as small as Amy Lee come to have such an expansive voice?
SATURDAY: Service industry? I’d rather pull an Oedipus…
SUNDAY: It helps to believe that the world is fundamentally good. Or, failing that, that there is at least some good in the world. Or, failing that, that at least the world is benign. Or, failing that, that are there are some bad spots in the world, but they are limited. Or, failing that, that the world is malignant, but it isn’t specifically against you. Or, failing that, well, vanilla ice cream is refreshing on a hot summer’s day…
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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This Week’s Eternal Question
It’s a question that has plagued some of the greatest psychiatric minds of the last hundred years since being put into words by Sigmund Freud: “What do Kim Jong Ils want?”
Do they explode nuclear devices to slay their fathers? It seems a little extreme, considering how many other people’s fathers would die with them. Did they never outgrow the mirror stage of development, projecting their own paranoid fantasies onto the world? Is their inability to respond positively to either the stick or the carrot a sign of Attention Deficit Disorder?
Perhaps, they are just unknowable mysteries.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106749800263460.xml]
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Go Figure
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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The Path Of The Righteous Is Strewn With Cow Pies
And, it came to pass that the Supreme Court smoteth bans on same sex marriage. And, lo, there was a great crying and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments and the people of the Religious Right lowlands did rise up and demand action.
And, the government didst say that it would revisit the issue in the House. And, the government sayeth further that if its revisitation shouldst falter, it wouldst introduce a Protection of Bigotry Act. It wouldst not be called a Protection of Bigotry Act, but a Protection of Bigotry Act it wouldst be all the same.
Because yea, verily, although Jesus taught us to love the sinner whilst hating the sin, our God taught us to smite Sodomites because yea, verily, He hates faggots with an undying passion.
SOURCE: The Bible – The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_torture/lk06_37a.html]
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