Arrr, Boopy Betty, thankee for signin’ up for The Daily Me. Arrr search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, shiver arrr timbers, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Oddly enough, there was nothing about pirates, which leads us to believe that the whole “Talk Like a Pirate Day” concept needs some rethinking.
Enjoy,All 23,500 Segway Personal Transporters have been recalled because of a software problem that can abruptly send the two-wheeled vehicle spinning in reverse. “We don’t see that it will have a negative impact on our business at all,” stated Segway CEO Jim Norrod, who pointed out that Conklin had expressed interest in buying the defective devices to use as carnival midway rides.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=4f9d9ccd7-fu3d-4f4f4f-9f25-a2ebc6a528]
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The Whole Air Of Gravitas Thing Is A Joke, Right? Somebody Please Tell Me It’s A Joke
Would somebody please stop Deal or No Deal’s Howie Mandel from making a tent of his fingers to indicate deep thought? The guy who started his career making potty jokes now wants us to think he’s Michel Freakin’ Foucault?
I mean, what is it that Mandel does, exactly? Help some poor schmoe who could desperately use extra money decide if he wants to open suitcase number seven or suitcase number 12? It ain’t exactly an exploration of how power structures are (re)created in institutions, is it?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The War On Terror Is Killing The Goat Cheese Market
NATO's estimate of goats killed this month has created skepticism and worry in Afghanistan, with local officials saying that either farmers have been more productive than imagined – or too many innocent Afghan goats are being killed.
“Calling them insurgents doesn’t change the fact that they are goats,” said Tariq al-Fariq (nicknamed Banana-fanna-bo-bariq), a resident skeptic. “They have families. They have mates. They have kids…are young goats called kids? Well, they have children, in any case. They have hopes and they have dreams. They’re just like you or me. Except, they’re goats.”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/28/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/RUpayngATtnshUN/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmesheltr2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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Okay, Maybe I Wasn’t Expecting This…
The dorsalis pugnacium is a small species of dolphin that hangs around in sand bars picking fights with crabs, no matter what skeptics might say. Marine biologists have no idea any more why this friendly sea creature is on the verge of extinction.
SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Stupid_dolphin]
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Now, THIS Is How You Apologize – Popey, Are You Listening?
In a column I wrote last week, I said that a politician making a speech that was not political was as likely as a prostitute being paid not to have sex with a john. I would like to apologize for this utterly unflattering comparison. It was totally unfair to prostitutes. SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Doesn’t Everybody Deserve Validation, Or Am I Reading The Wrong Pop Psych Texts?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Oh, So, That’s What We’re Teaching Our Children
Don’t gloat. No high fives at the dinner table.
A simple, “But, mom, I can’t eat that! Scientific studies have proven that spinach can kill you!” will suffice.
You and your sister can giggle about it all night in your bedroom after.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1874H3GIC-2C145-30K5-AA1582614B711511]
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I Try To Be Neutral on The Issue, But For Some Reason People Keep Testing Me…
One major issue of online communication is that it is possible for a person born with one sex/gender to pass for the other. If you’re uncertain if who you are talking to is a man or a woman, there are a few simple questions you can ask rooted in female experience that can root the imposters out by the roots of their hair.
1) Where do tampons go?
BONUS ESSAY QUESTION: plucking or tweezing? Discuss.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/949]
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Religions Have Been Founded On Such Questions
Hungarian Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany has been caught on tape saying his government “lied morning, evening and night.” The problem is, how can anybody be sure he’s telling the truth?
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1186749870266460.xml]
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Can You Recall A Product Before It Has Been Released? Please?
To turn around its lagging fortunes, the Ford Motor Company has decided to go back to basics and make cars people actually want to buy. This isn’t entirely fair – they might have found a way to make the strategy of making cars people didn’t want to buy profitable if they had just stayed with it for a few more years.
And, speaking of dubious corporate strategies, Fisher-Price announced that a new version of the Tickle Me Elmo doll will come with more features. Tickle it, and it will start to laugh. Keep tickling it, and it will blow milk out its nose. Keep tickling it after that, and a thin, drooly substance will start flowing out of its mouth. Fisher-Price says the new Tickle Me Elmo doll does much more than that, but, so far, children playing with the prototype haven’t wanted to go any further to find out what that might be.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB115413357491718424,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I recently met just the CUTEST guy on a trip to the Maritimes. I mean, he was tall. He had the softest brown eyes. He sold out the political party he was chosen to lead – how can I say it any plainer? He was CUUUUUUUUTE! The hours just seemed to melt away when Peter and I were together. But, of course, all trips must end, and I’m back home and, frankly, I find my warm, tingly feelings slipping away. Is it possible to keep that flame alive?
DEAR HEART: At the best of times, long distance relationships are difficult. Add the fact that the two people are power-mad suck-ups and you can imagine the problems! One thing you definitely don’t want to do is quit your current job and move to where he is to be with him – this sends the wrong message, and will convince the terrorists that they have won.
You might want to throw a bone his way. Maybe suggest that you’d be willing to end the softwood lumber feud once and for all. Or, stop playing guilt games with his government for not sending troops to Iraq. Or…well, you get the idea. A small gesture that you are still interested would go a long way!
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088331831813&call_pageid=968335273492&col=968333972154]
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