Thank you, Kristin Altman-Finkbeener, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we made an important discovery: Hell is other people. In an elevator. Going from the 30th floor to ground level. Stopping at every floor for no discernible reason.
Enjoy,Okay, Okay, I Can Just About See…Noooooo, It Doesn’t Work For Me
Miami Advice. Tubbs (Jamie Foxx) and Crockett (Colin Farrell) go undercover at a woman’s magazine called Runway, helmed by the boss from Hell, Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep). Hilarity and/or mayhem ensues.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078536/]
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Yo, Georgie Boy, How Big Is China?
Unwittingly speaking into an open microphone at the G8 summit, President Bush said, “See, the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit, and it’s over.” The Federal Communications Commission is considering levying a $325,000 fine on the President for his use of an obscenity on the public airwaves. Rumour has it that if they do decide to fine the President, Bush will write a signing statement saying he is exempt from the FCC’s rules.
At the same time, the pronouncement has gotten the President in trouble with the American Association of Lexicographers, who put out a press release pointing out that what he said wasn’t actually a case of “irony.” “We blame Alanis Morisette,” the AAL press release darkly stated.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/living/1206719809263660.xml]
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Fashion Crimes…War Crimes – It Isn’t Really A Fine Line, But Let’s Pretend…
MONDAY: The more I learn about the war in Iraq, the more I understand what a smart move it was for the US not to agree to the jurisdiction of the International Criminal Court.
TUESDAY: You can tell a lot about a person from their attitude towards turnips.
WEDNESDAY: Do you really think the Israeli army is concerned about the deaths of civilians in Lebanon, or is that just something they say to calm the liberal anti-war wimps and Geneva Convention mantra chanters in their country?
THURSDAY: How about the American army in Iraq?
FRIDAY: When a black cat crosses your path, then a second, different black cat crosses your path, do they cancel each other out, or should you hide under your bed for the next 14 years?
SATURDAY: Invading a country in the hopes that it will embolden moderate insurgent elements to form their own government, pushing aside the extremists who run the country? Why not? It hasn’t worked in 50 years, but there’s always a first time for everything.
SUNDAY: No matter how bad things get, don’t ask, “God, what more can you do to me?” The Lord exists as the answer the hard questions.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Why The Politics Of Fear Doesn’t Translate Well Into Canadian
CANADIAN 1: I don’t think sending troops to fight in Afghanistan was a good idea.
CANADIAN 2: Then, you obviously hate Canada.
CANADIAN 1: I don’t hate Canada. I just disagree with the actions of the current government.
CANADIAN 2: Ah, but the current government is Canada. So, if you disagree with the government, you must hate the country.
CANADIAN 1: That’s totally wrong. The government is just the elected body that represents the people. Governments change. The country remains stable, because it is much more than a particular government at any given moment in time.
CANADIAN 2: Oh. I see your point. I guess you don’t hate Canada. I’m sorry for insulting you.
CANADIAN 1: Don’t worry about it.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2006/07/23/hatejustnotintheblood060723]
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Can Women Decide When Men Should Be Castrated?
According to South Dakota State Senator Bill Napoli, abortion should be outlawed in all cases except that of a religious girl, planning “on saving her virginity until she was married” who “was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated.”
I’m not prepared to comment on Senator Napoli’s sexual imagination – he’ll have to take that up with his priest. Or, maybe, his wife. However, somebody with even the most rudimentary understanding of female reproductive organs would know that a woman cannot be impregnated by being sodomized, no matter how bad you can possibly make it. It just – women just don’t work that way.
And, this man wants to tell women when they can and (mostly) cannot have abortions?
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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And, Speaking Of Castrated Men
Lieberman, Joe Lieberman(with apologies to Groucho Marx)
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/144.html]
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Formica Clearly Isn’t Ready To Put Everything On The Table
As the orgy of secrecy that surrounds the Bush administration reaches some sort of total orgasm, reading government documents that have been made public becomes increasingly difficult. Consider this excerpt from the Formica Report on Iraq:
It sort of looks to me like a couple of floppy bunnies with some sort of board sticking out of their asses that connect them together. Ouch. I see pain, lots and lots of pain, and, possibly, some children going without Easter eggs this year. My psychotherapist thinks this is very promising, but I can’t help but wonder what it has to do with the Iraq war.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=455&dir=bb]
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And You Thought The Culture Of Life Was A New Brand Of Yogurt
Sadie Orangutan has a problem.
Orangutan runs the Happy Child Fertility Clinic in Fresno. In the past, when the frozen embryos she keeps to help infertile couples conceive reached their best by date, she would have them destroyed. However, rule changes signed into law by President Bush as part of his “culture of life” initiative forbid the destruction of human embryos for any reason.
“We’ve run out of room at the clinic,” Orangutan explained. “I’ve had to start taking frozen embryos home and keeping them in my fridge. That was really awkward a couple of weeks ago, when my son mistook one of the cartoons for left-over Chinese food. He – he’ll never be the same again!”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641384641314687pu]
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