by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
If you thought Elon Threelonemuskateers’s Twitherd (which others may call Y, but that is a rebranding that we will resist with Threelonemuskateers’s dying breath) was a free-for-all, imagine the uproar when Adolph von Hitlerskitler’s long-dormant account started tweeping again.
“You know, I’ve had a lot of time to consider such matters,” a tweep appeared in the feed of an account called Der_Fuhrer’s_Race, “and I have come to the conclusion that I may have been too hard on the Jews. They are a pleasant people who enjoy a good joke and know how to cook a proper kielbasa. They are menschen, if not uber…except, of course, when they’re driving an Uber. Ha. Ha. Ha. See what I did, there? But seriously, Jews are okay by me.”
The response was as swift as it was tailored to its audience. (See what I did there?) “That’s not the Fuhrer I know and love!” tweeped whiteasfungus00027000. “The Fuhrer I knew was funny!!!!”
“It’s almost enough to make you want to tear up your National Socialist Party membership and * SHUDDER * become a Republican!” tweeped Gov4EverDDukaborrental. “Almost. I mean, I’m not going to give up the discount at Your Cross to Burn that the card gives me – buying the sheets alone would bankrupt me! – but it’s a close call!!!!”
“Who are you?” wHiterAgeaHolic002700 plaintively tweeped, “And what have you done with my Fuhrer?”
What appears to have happened to wHiterAgeaHolic002700’s Fuhrer is a particularly odious (which has nothing to do with Garfield’s canine nemesis) example of cybersquatting (which has nothing to do with voiding one’s bowels online, although critics of the practice see no practical distinction between the two actions). When a Twitherd account has been dormant for a long enough period of time, somebody can create a new account with the same user name and fool many readers into believing they are the old owner.
“Honestly, I do not see what the fuss is about,” von Hitlerskitler tweeped in response to the response. “Hate is a living, breathing, SQUATTING thing. It must grow with experience, or it will curdle, wither and die like so much pumpkin pie in a hurricane.”
“Nope. That’s definitely not him,” tweeped Gov4EverDDukaborrental. “The Adolph I knew could metaphor rings around this wannabe!”
Threelonemuskateers, the proud (we know, we know: this is not the word we would have chosen, but you risk a lawsuit if you describe him any other way, and the Alternate Reality News Service has used it’s quota of lawyers for the millennium, so this is the word we’re going with) owner of Twitherd, has allowed the practice to flourish. So dictator devotees, autocrat adorers and Fuhrer fanatics who expect him to do something about this should brace themselves for a crushing disappoint –
“Innocent people are having their reputations destroyed by bad actors who hijack their Y accounts and pretend to be them,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped. “It’s not right. And it opens us up to potential lawsuits. But mostly it’s not right. So, Y will investigate and, where warranted, close down accounts controlled by cybersquatters, starting yesterday. That’s not hyperbole: thanks to Y Times, we can do that.”
Actually, the chrononauts Y Times sent into the past to fix the von Hitlerskitler cybersquatting problem went missing, presumed living in 1493. Owing to the fact that none of them materialized inside a mountain or seconds before a fusillade of cannon farts was released in their general direction, Y Times pronounced the mission a success.
Does this mean that Twitherd has changed its policy on cybersquatting? “I would like to answer this question,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped, “because I believe transparency is the cornerstone of any successful business.”
Three days later, I discovered that my Twitherd account had been deleted.
Former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf weighed in on his own platform, Truth Antisocial, because of course he did. “It is sad to think that somebody as distinguished as Adolph von Hitlerskitler’s long legacy could be diminished in this way. Not to worry, though – I won’t let that happen to me. No CROOKED PROSECUTOR working with the Biden Administration is going to Lay a Finger on Me! No HOAX trials! No OUTRAGEOUS FINES! No ELECTION INTERFERENCE! I am going to win the 2024 election by getting EVERY SINGLE VOTE, and I will transform the government into something Americans have Never Seen Before!!!!!’
So, it was as informative as you might expect.
“I really don’t see what all the fuss is about,” von Hitlerskitler tweeped. “I now hate…rutabagas. The international rutabaga conspiracy is to blame for all of the problems in our country. We must ruthlessly root out rutabagas and destroy them all!”
“Rutabagas,” wHiterAgeaHolic002700 mused on Twitherd. “Is that the new code term for Jews?”
You keep telling yourself that, friend. Just keep telling yourself that…