by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
No matter how bizarre former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s pronouncements get, they immediately become Reduhblican Party orthodoxy. The statements may not hang together, but the Party will almost certainly hang separately.
In a speech before the Iollinois caucuses, McDruhitmumpf stated: “When I am President again – for the third time, folks, please, try and keep count – yes, even though the Constitution forbids it, because I have presidential immunity, don’t you know – the Supreme Court says so – and if they didn’t, they will…they will – I will direct my Justice Department to permanently arrest all the godless, Communist, Socialist, Marxist, National Socialist, antifa, fascist, urban golf pro, vegetarian, big-eared traitors who are keeping America from being great again. I am your vengeance. I am your laxative. I am your walrus. Kookookaiju!”
The reaction from McDruhitmumpf’s supporters in Congress was swift. “This country was founded on freedom, and one of our fundamental freedoms is the freedom to eat meat,” said his rival for the 2024 Reduhblican nomination until she wasn’t Nikki Bilhaleycommits. “It builds your body in twenty-seven different ways and it’s yummy. Anybody who doesn’t eat meat at least eight times a day is obviously anti-Vesampuccerian!”
“Of course people with big ears are suspicious,” claimed cabinet hopeful (he’s made of flimsy material, but apparently McDruhitmumpf likes having around him furniture that would break easily on the set of an action film) Ben Carsonogenic. “They can’t help but eavesdrop on the people around them – but who are the working for? You want to confront them and demand they tell you? Don’t bother: they’ll just flap their ears and fly away without answering!”
When asked why he was wearing ear muffs, Carsonogenic huffily replied, “My ears get cold easily. My doctor says it’s poor circulation, or…or…or not getting enough meat in my diet. Not that I’m a vegetarian – I love meat! I practically bathe in it every day! Don’t you have better things to write about than my personal afflictions‽”
“Meat is such a fundamental part of the American diet that I am sponsoring a bill to mandate that every Vesampuccerian eat it at least three times a – what? Nikki Bilhaleycommits beat me to it?” Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum, who long ago put his integrity into a safe deposit box and threw away the key before forgetting which bank it was in, asked in dismay. “Okay. No problem. The thing about people with big ears is that they make fun of people with small ears, and President McDruhitmumpf doesn’t deserve all the attention his ears have – what? Oh, Ben Carsonogenic did, did he? Well, uhh, has anybody said anything about golf pros?”
“Get some pride, people!” Dumbopratic Representative Eric Swallowacatsbell responded to the fawning. “If Reduhblicans were any quicker to fall all over themselves, you’d think they were starring in a silent film comedy!”
If only they were silent. “Obviously, the President didn’t literally mean you had to swallow him to improve your bowel movements,” Vivek Ramaswamammy, who also ran for the Reduhblican nomination for president (emphasis on the also-ran) said so quickly that we had to listen to the tape twenty times slower than normal speeds to make out his words. “He’s a big man. There isn’t enough Gatorade in the world to wash him down! No. What he was saying was that he would be the evacuant that would rid the body politic of the Deep Dish State! Among his many other fine qualities – of which he has many – the President sure knows his way around a metaphor!”
“Obviously, the President isn’t a walrus,” remarked Representative Mo Brooksnoahgumeant, once a leader of the Congressional Freedumb is Slavery Caucus. “He just has a great love for the Beatles, a love almost as great as he has for this country. It was a metaphor, you see. Oh, sure, it may not fit the textbook definition of a metaphor, but it will…it will…”
“I’m sure nobody thinks of the President as a laxative,” Senator Grahamcrokercrum tried again. “He was trying to say that he is the cure for – what? Ramaswamammy beat me to it? What about the walrus part of the speech? Mo Brooksnoahgumeant? Really? I didn’t realize he was still in Congress. Tarnation! I liked things a whole lot better when I was one of the few people kissing the President’s…ring!”
“I would say that his speech was another sign of the former president’s dementia,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, “but I’m already over my quota of death threats for the week, and it’s only Wednesday!”