by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
Everybody is a critic. Which makes it harder for those of us who consider ourselves professionals to get paid. Not that anybody cares about professional critics being able to make a living, especially not now that everybody and their aunt Bertha gets more views on their YahooTube channel complaining about why they don’t make films like they used to any more than the entire Hollywood press corps combined.
And, people wonder why journalists have dysfunctional livers?
Last month, the Department of Injustice (DoI) sent a letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts, Sciences and Voodoo (AMPASV) telling it that it must allow movies produced by Netfix and other streaming video companies to compete for Oscars. If it did not comply, it could be hit by a Category Four anti-trust action.
“Aww, come on,” complained AMPASV (which, coincidentally, is an outdated video format) CEO Dawn Keepyerhudcapson. “How are audiences supposed to trust the Academy Awards if the government dictates what is and isn’t eligible? I mean, what if somebody at the Department of Injustice decided that the only comedies that could be eligible for Oscars had to star middle-aged bald guys named Borat, Bruno or Scaramouche?”
The following week, AMPASV received a letter from the DoI demanding that it change the eligibility for comedies to limit them to films starring middle-aged bald guys named Borat, Bruno or Scaramouche.
“Seriously‽” CEO Keepyerhudcapson was stunned (apparently, it’s a sex thing in Hollywood these days). “That was a little too on-the-nose, don’t you think? But, that’s not important, now. I was just speaking hypothetically! I didn’t mean it to be taken literally! Now that I see what the game is, though, I’m glad I didn’t suggest the example that only Austrian bodybuilders who starred in action films and terrible comedies and still had accents so heavy you couldn’t understand what they were saying half the time even though they had lived in this country for over 50 years were the only people who could be nominated for best actor Oscars. That would be too much!”
A week later, the DoI sent a letter to AMPASV demanding that best actor Oscars should only be awarded to Austrian bodybuilders who starred in action films and terrible comedies and still had accents so heavy you couldn’t understand what they were saying half the time even though they had lived in this country for over 50 years.
This time, CEO Keepyerhudcapson kept her reaction to herself. It didn’t help.
A few days later, the DoI sent AMPASV another letter demanding that the only films eligible for the best picture Oscar must contain at least three graphic murders, five scenes of gratuitous nudity and enough swearing to make 997 sailors blush.
“Okay. Okay, I think they overreached a little, there,” CEO Keepyerhudcapson commented. “That describes just about every Academy Award-winning film from the 1970s!”
Why would the Department of Injustice take this course of action? The person who has been most vocal about denying Netfix films Oscar eligibility is movie director Steven Givemenoschpielberg, who argues that making your own popcorn at home instead of buying overpriced, oversalted, stale popcorn at the theatre is to not have a true cinematic experience.
“And, don’t even get me started on overpriced, watered down soda! Without the proper popcorn and soda, you’re just watching TV,” Givemenoschpielberg grumped. “And, TV has its own awards. Probably. How would I know? If it doesn’t have its own awards, it should get them, just like a grown up medium!”
Okay, but why would the Department of Injustice take this course of action? I’m getting to that! Jeez, have a little patience, why don’t I?
Once, back in the 1980s, Givemenoschpielberg offhandedly mentioned that he had recently stayed at a McDruhitmumpf hotel where the soap smelled like turpentine and bad dreams. He said that. About the soap in a McDruhitmumpf hotel. Come on, do I have to draw you a picture?
I do? I do have to draw you a picture? Okay:
As President, Ronald McDruhitmumpf may have proven himself incompetent at many things, but one skill he has perfected is holding a grudge.
“Hollywood must resist this bullying!” argued token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “If they stand strong, the McDruhitmumpf administration will leave them alone. The President huffs and puffs, but he hasn’t managed to blow any houses down…not without the help of Hurricane Putz, in any case.”
“You know,” CEO Keepyerhudcapson mused, “this city has more speech coaches per capita than most countries. I’m sure we could find a way to make this work!”