Just when you thought it was safe to surf the Web…
Trivia has become immensely popular over the past few years, and we thought we’d add to the mountain of useless information by reviving for one last time the Les Pages aux Folles survey. As with surveys of old, bend, fold, spindle, mutilate, defenstrate (look it up) or otherwise damage the survey, but, please, do not fill it out – our heads are already filled with useless information.
1) Who has seen the wind?
a) any reporter covering Queen’s Park
b) John Candy
c) I don’t know, but I’d like to know what the person was on at the time
2) What is OFS?
a) the Obese Force of Slobs
b) an Obviously Farcical Subject
c) an Obnoxious Family of Squirrels
d) other
3) What is the most pressing issue facing people today?
a) nuclear arms
b) acid rain
c) unemployment
d) eating a healthy breakfast
4) Where do socks go when they disappear out of the washing machine?
a) a Grateful Dried concert
b) they spontaneously combust
c) the KGB takes them to special Gulags, at which they are expected to do hard labour and from which they seldom return
d) Fred’s house, and I wish he’d give them back
5) What was the most important thing to come out of Ronald Reagan’s recent visit to Canada?
a) it’s nice to see a world leader who is older than Brian Mulroney
b) I found Reagan’s tips on personal grooming and relationships particularly helpful
c) when I heard Ronnie and Brian singing “When Irish Eyes are Smiling,” I was convinced that nuclear Armageddon might not be such a bad thing
6) How do you spell relief?
a) R-E-L-I-E-F; umm…I’m confused. Is this a trick question?
b) R-O-L-A-I-D-S; that’s why I’m in remedial English
c) R-E-L-E-A-F, which is what they’re going to do with Rick Vaive if he’s not careful
d) other
7) But, would Scarlett O’Hara ever have been happy with Rhett Butler?
a) would you?
b) I don’t know; I lost interest after the burning of Atlanta and went to get myself some popcorn
c) happiness is a relative, subjective term which cannot be so simply determined; I guess it would depend on how good her shrink was
d) unfortunately, this will have to be one of those “Questions That Man Was Never Meant to Answer”
8) How old are you?
a) how old do you think I am?
b) older than the hills
c) old enough to know better
d) old man river
9) Is it alright if we pry into your personal life?
a) yes
b) no
c) don’t know/no opinion
Question 10 has been temporarily removed from this survey until such time as question 9 has been satisfactorily answered. In the event that the answer to question 9 is, in fact, no, we will replace question 10 with a large Australian sheepdog.
11) If we’re all here to help others, what are the others here for?
a) to help themselves
b) to help with the washing
c) to create a whole new theory of psychology
d) I’ll never tell!
12) Why don’t we do it in the road?
a) because it’s messy
b) because it’s already been done in the road, and our doing it in the road would be derivative
c) it might rain
d) we’re too old, ugly or uptight
13) Well, why don’t we do it in Joe’s Garage, then?
a) because it’s even messier there
b) because that’s by a different musical artist
c) because Joe insists upon watching
14) Forget Queen Elizabeth; is life today really worse than it was 20 years ago?
a) I don’t know; I wasn’t around then
b) I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention then
c) I don’t know; I’m not paying attention now
15) If Garabunga and Nonexisto go to war, how will it affect your life?
a) banana shipments from Garabunga will be halted, raising prices locally by five cents a dozen
b) punk rock star Johnny Rotgut will return to his native Nonexisto to fight, forcing me to burn all my Sex Pistol albums in sympathy
c) where the heck are Garabunga and Nonexisto? Have you made them up? What’s going on here?
16) Do washing machines really exist?
a) yes
b) nothing exists which cannot be perceived; therefore, since we can see them, washing machines do exist
c) it depends upon how you define “washing” and “machine” (and, for that matter, “do” and “exist”)
d) I think so. How about this one: if a washing machine full of clothes and water sits in the middle of an empty forest, can it be considered to be washing even if there is no place to plug it in?
17) Wait a minute! Who’s asking the questions around here?
a) you are, aren’t you?
b) I don’t know. Who are you?
c) don’t you know?
18) Just what is this all about?
a) oh, about 20 questions
b) oh, about 800 words
c) it’s about as silly as you can get without being George Gobels
19) What’s your favourite George Romero rip-off film?
a) European Vacation of the Living Dead
b) Rambo, First Blood of the Living Dead, Part II
c) Real Living Dead Genius of Science
d) Living Dead Raiders of the Lost Ark
e) The Maltese Falcon of the Living Dead
f) Porky’s
20) There, now; that wasn’t so bad, was it?
a) yes
b) easy for you to say – you were the one asking the questions
c) waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
