Get out your 3-D glasses and put them on, kids, because this week’s Les Pages aux Folles survey is in 3-D! That’s right, through the miracle of modern science, you too can amaze and thrill your friends, be the envy of your enemies and spend many a sleepless night wondering: “How the heck did they do that?” You say you don’t have 3-D glasses? Do you have 39 cents? Any cheap variety store should have 3-D glasses that cost next to nothing. If you can’t find them, feel free to squint really, really hard.
And, remember, there are no correct answers to this survey and we aren’t publishing it because we’re interested in your opinion, so please don’t tie it to the leg of a carrier pigeon and send it winging its way towards our offices!
1) What is your favourite pizza topping?
a) anchovies
b) piston engines
c) Queen Elizabeth
d) other
2) What do you consider to be a hot night in Rexdale?
a) hanging out at Woolworth’s
b) seeing Revenge of the Nerds for the fourth time
c) going really crazy and driving 50 kilometres in a 45 kilometre per hour zone
d) hot nights in Rexdale? Are you kidding?
3) What does love mean?
a) never having to say you’re sorry
b) never having to say you’re pregnant
c) never having to say you’re in lust
d) never having to say you’re Queen Elizabeth
e) never having to say you’re a victim of socialization
f) never having to say you’re a hack writer who panders to the baser instincts of us all
g) never having to apologize for jokes that go on too long or don’t work or don’t make sense or all of those things
4) How do you prepare for university exams?
a) by partying with the most intelligent people in the class
b) by studying the National Enquirer
c) by meditating over a pile of textbooks and class notes every night before I go to sleep
d) exams? But, I’ve got a full-time job
5) Who was Canada’s 20th Prime Minister?
a) Lana McKenzie
b) Monika Turner
c) Lana Turner
d) William Lyon Mackenzie
e) Queen Elizabeth
6) Where’s the beef?
a) in Playgirl
b) on the farm
c) in discos
d) da beef is dat we gotta go to dis school fer a long time and we ain’t even guaranteed of no job
e) other
7) What did you like most about the Pope’s visit?
a) his hat
b) his boyish grin
c) he throws a wild party
8) Is there a meaningful place for the music of Duran Duran in the life of anybody over the age of 12?
a) yes
b) no
c) “I lit my torch and waved it…”
9) Is there a meaningful place for the writings of Marx in the life of anybody under the age of 60?
a) yes
b) no
c) “Workers of the world, unite!”
10) Hey, baby! Read any good books lately?
a) bug off, creep!
b) yes, but people like you keep telling me that they’re not interested in Harlequin Romances
c) actually, no. Does that mean you won’t go to bed with me tonight?
11) Why do fools fall in love?
a) because that’s what makes them fools
b) because the local video rental store was burned to the ground and now they don’t have anything better to do with their off hours
c) actually, most people fall in love, but only fools who fall in love get songs written about them
12) What causes depression?
a) spiked hair creates a declining economy
b) economists
c) answering question 11
13) Where do we go from here?
a) there
b) downhill
c) Stittsville
14) Where do babies come from?
a) the cabbage patch
b) the cabbage patch dolls
c) the stork
d) the bald eagle
e) Queen Elizabeth
15) How do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar?
a) dynamite
b) magic
c) good plumbing
d) who the heck cares any more?
16) What is your philosophy of life?
a) live and let live
b) live long and prosper
c) it was a good magazine
d) other
17) What ever happened to the Flintstones?
a) they were wiped out by a herd of rampaging wildebeests and their corpses were not preserved in the glaciers of the Ice Age
b) they died in syndication
c) Fred ran off with a Brontosaurus Burger waitress and Wilma became a daycare volunteer
18) Why are we put on this earth only to suffer and die?
a) because the economy needs consumers
b) because it still beats a lonely night in Wawa
c) because it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it
19) What do you think of 3-D newspapers?
a) they’re very colourful, but difficult to read
b) I refuse to read them until somebody makes designer 3-D glasses
c) they’re an interesting experiment, but no amount of special effects can replace good writing
20) Is life really worse than it was 20 years ago?
a) Queen Elizabeth
b) Queen Elizabeth
c) Queen Elizabeth
d) other Queen Elizabeth
