1) MP Alain Rayes quit the Conservative Party to sit in Parliament as an Independent because he found the politics of newly elected leader Pierre Poilievre too toxic. How did the Conservatives respond to the defection?
a) by sending him a get well soon card
b) by inundating Conservative Party members in his riding with messages from party headquarters urging them to swamp his riding with calls for his resignation from the House of Commons
c) by taking his name off their Valentine’s Day card list – that will teach him, boy!
2) The Canadian government has begun seizing the assets of Russian oligarchs to punish the country for its invasion of Ukraine. What should the government do with the money?
a) if any of the assets are rubles, encourage Canadians to burn them to heat their homes instead of using fossil fuels, because that’s pretty much all they’re good for
b) use the oligarchs’ yachts to conduct tours of the Great Lakes
c) buy Valentine’s Day cards for the oligarchs and not send them – that will teach those nogoodniks, boy!
3) What is the main advantage of using “nature-based solutions” to solve the global climate change crisis?
a) it gives us the illusion of making progress on climate change without requiring us to make difficult choices about how we will live
i) that wasn’t very funny
b) you think leaving future generations a world of ashes is amusing?
ii) it can be when you write about it – that’s the whole point of your web site, isn’t it?
c) what can I say? I’m not feeling very optimistic these days
iii) orangutan toothpick plunger! Sorry I had to do that, but somebody had to try to be amusing!
4) In the race for Speaker of the House, six Never Kevins (including Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz) voted “present” on the 15th ballot, finally giving Kevin McCarthy the chair he craved. Before the vote, they had promised they would never vote for him, and, even though they technically didn’t, their votes allowed him to squeak into the office. How stupid do they think their supporters are?
a) really stupid: after all, they believe CRT is an acronym for “Create Radical Tension”
b) really, really stupid: after all, they believe January 6 is a Congressional open house day for tourists, who should feel free to take any souvenirs that take their fancy
c) really, really, really stupid: after all, their supporters voted for them, didn’t they?
5) The six states with the highest maternal mortality rates in the United States, Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana and Mississippi, have all banned abortion. Who is likely to win this dubious distinction?
a) Arkansas, because it has Tom Cotton on its side
b) Kentucky, because it’s got Mitch McConnell on its side
c) all of them, because they’ve got god on their side
6) When developers leave a company, where does their knowledge go?
a) the island of Los Iddeas
b) have you ever seen Warehouse 13? It’s a place like that, only without Saul Rubinek’s curmudgeonly charm
c) Pittsburgh (and believe me when I say the knowledge is not happy about it!)
7) Republicans said they would read the Constitution on the first day of their administration – what happened to that?
a) three votes for speaker and an adjournment
b) none of them had ever read it, and only an alert intern stopped Kevin McCarthy from mistakenly reading from an issue of Mad magazine
c) you…didn’t actually take that seriously, did you? The next two years are going to be very long for you…
8) One of these things is not like the other things. One of these things doesn’t belong. Which thing is it, and why?
a) A Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, because House Speaker Kevin McCarthy would love for her to hold his gavel, whereas he would mace any of the other people who came near it
b) C Senator Ted Cruz, the only member of the group who has a great career ahead of him as a gigolo when he retires from politics
c) D Representative Paul Santos, whose perfect record of every public statement he has ever made being a lie makes other Republicans look on in envy
d) B Adam Schiff, the only person in the group who appears to have the ability to smile
9) Who said, “These people need to be punished, the people who ordered it need to be punished, those who gave them money for it should be punished?” Who were they talking about?
a) Foghorn Leghorn
b) Betty Amin, a Brazilian pro-democracy protester
c) Joey von Batts
i) Brazilians who stormed the country’s Congress and Supreme Court buildings to reinstate failed President Jair Bolsonaro
ii) his ex-wife’s lawyers
iii) all them durn idjits, I say, all them durn idjits what voted to kick Ilhan Omar offen the Foreign Affairs Committee
10) At the end of No Time To Die, James Bond is blown to smithereens. At the end of the closing credits for No Time To Die, a title card says, “James Bond will return.” How is this possible‽
a) clone, Bond clone
b) zombie, James zombie
c) a True Resurrection spell (although he will have to slay a dragon to make things right with Death, who will be pissed)
11) Wouldn’t this take the franchise in a whole new direction?
a) only if Q started handing out baseball bats wound in barbed wire
b) no – multiple Bonds was one of the plot points of the original Casino Royale
c) after 60 years, it’s about time!
12) What type of humiliation would Kevin McCarthy not put up with in order to retain his speakership?
a) covering his hand with honey and sticking it in a hornets’ nest
b) waiting by the mailbox on Valentine’s Day and not getting a single card
c) being Katara Rivache’s dance partner
d) none of the above (which, with a better worded question, would mean he will put up with all of the above)
13) Who or what is Katara Rivache?
a) a form of Japanese ritual suicide
b) a form of American political suicide
c) a saucy young man/woman with a killer headdress
14) Republicans intend to investigate Hunter Biden’s finances, even though he has never worked for the United States government. At the same time, they have no intention of investigating Jared Kushner or Ivanka Trump even though they made $640 million while in the White House and received $2 billion from Saudi Arabia soon after leaving the White House. This is known as…
a) draining the swamp
b) drinking the swamp
c) drinking the Kool-Aid…made with water from the swamp
15) Who said, “I think about my current choices and about the future without reference to morals, then take action. Normal people have morals, so they’d probably say thinking like mine is strange?”
a) Hiroyuki Nishimura, a popular Japanese author who owns the message board 4chan
b) George Santos, but given his record for dissembling, nobody believed him
c) billionaire Elon Musk, but he quickly deleted the tweet so nobody would make fun of him for admitting it
16) Match the belief with the person who holds it:
a) California wildfires were started by space Lasers
b) Barack Obama was President during 9/11
c) Nancy Pelosi should be executed
d) COVID-19 is a hoax
i) Marjorie Taylor Greene
ii) Marjorie Taylor Greene
iii) Marjorie Taylor Greene
iv) Marjorie Taylor Greene
17) Rumour is that Marjorie Taylor Greene is on the short list to be Donald Trump’s running mate in the 2024 Presidential election. How fearful should we be for American democracy?
a) threat level red fearful
b) threat level orange fearful
c) threat level Greene fearful
18) Marjorie Taylor Greene offered an amendment to a bill that would bar President Joe Biden from selling oil from America’s petroleum reserves in order to lower gas prices. Her amendment garnered only 14 votes for, while 418 opposed it. What could this mean for her bid to run for Vice President?
a) she has perfected the art of getting nothing of consequence done – she’s the ideal running mate for Donald Trump
b) the Republican establishment will oppose her at every turn…until Trump chooses her, at which point they will wholeheartedly embrace her
c) she is the perfect running mate for people who think Ron DeSantis is too sane to be president
19) Kari Lake raised $2.5 million after she lost a governor’s election to Katie Hobbs. How much money would she have been able to raise if she had won?
a) two and a half bucks and all the kale she could
b) not enough to power her ego
c) what are you talking about? She did win! The people of Arizona just don’t know it yet!
20) A tea bag may contain the remnants of the DNA of as many as 400 different insects. How does this knowledge affect your enjoyment of the beverage?
a) given that I will have to wash my mouth out with whisky every time I drink a cup, pretty good, pal. Pretty damn good…
b) mmmmm – protein!
c) I’ll have to mention this the next time I see my snooty British uncle. I expect it will feel pretty good, pal. Pretty damn good!