They’re My Friends, And I Don’t Wanna Share Them With Anybody!
“Russia tells U.S. not to interfere with China and Taiwan”
– Toronto Star
I Wonder What The Cause Of That Could Be…
“Paramedics say response times slowing
Patient off-load delays at hospitals are leading to longer waits for ambulances, group warns”
– Toronto Star
That Would Explain It
Thanks, Anonymous Headline Writer!
“COVID absences climb in hospitals
Number of provincial staff off work because of virus almost doubled since May, data reveals”
– Toronto Star
We Shouldn’t Have Used The Present Up, Then, Should We?
“Fear is poisoning the minds of youth
Children shouldn’t grow up with no hope for a better future”
– Toronto Star
Camp Pain Pretty Much Describes Their Agenda
“Harper endorses Poilievre’s campaign”
– Toronto Star
This Is What Happens When Farmers Are Asked To Cut The Shit
“Trudeau, farmers, spar over fertilizer
New rules to cut back emissions may trim food supply”
– Toronto Star
That’s Not A Nice Way To Refer To The Prime Minister
“SCOREGOLF TOP 100 GOLF COURSES
One nation, under sod”
– Toronto Star
Wicked Witch Had Assured Councillors They Were Just Pets
“Japanese city alarmed by attacking monkeys”
– Toronto Star
If They’re Already Loyal, Why Should The Company Bother?
“Rogers should compensate loyal customers”
– Toronto Star
The Sidelines Are Nice…
“Canada’s global role requires leadership”
– Toronto Star
It Would Make Sense To Substitute “Sex” For “Money,” But You Would Get In Trouble For It If You Tried
“Talk money with your children
Talking about finances at an early age will help them form a healthy relationship later in life, experts say”
– Toronto Star
Now We Just Have Unemployment To Look Forward To
“Worst price hikes may be behind us”
– Toronto Star
Although, To Be Fair, It Was Government Policy For Four Years
“Sad day in the U.S.: living among those doing evil to others”
– Toronto Star
Harry Potter Doesn’t Have To Worry About The Competition
“Board game ‘evokes the magic’ of Muskoka”
– Toronto Star
Are We Supposed To Remember What This Refers To?
Or, Care?
“Smith apologizes on video to Rock for slap”
– Toronto Star
And Remember: All Deals Are Financialized
“Rental market hit by ‘financialization'”
– Toronto Star
Why Not? Outraged Customers Ask
“Outage won’t affect earnings, Rogers says”
– Toronto Star
And Those Were His Good Qualities!
“DATING DIARIES
He ranted against vaccines and lied about his age”
– Toronto Star
Landlords Must Have The Courage Of Their Renovictions
“City official urges province to scrap rules that can lead to ‘renovictions'”
– Toronto Star
It Will Weaken All Councillors Equally
The Fact That There Are More Lefties Is Just A Delightful Bonus
“Two-thirds of council needed to rescind mayoral decisions
Ford insists move isn’t ploy to weaken left-leaning councillors”
– Toronto Star
Pope Says Look To God
“Survivors want apology to lead to action”
– Toronto Star
As Long As Everyone Is A Shareholder
“Putting shareholders first can still work out for everyone”
– Toronto Star
Like The Profound Need To Own A Fendi Purse Or – Ooooh! – Anything By Armani!
“The emotional lives of MALLS
Maligned, mocked and in decline, the mall is a rare public space that’s also deeply intimate, answering profound human needs”
– Toronto Star
If Parents Read Them, They Will Be Better Prepared To Have “The Talk” With Their Teenagers
“Sex-ed books can help prepare for puberty”
– Toronto Star
No Problem: Disease Deniers Can Walk And Apply Chewing Gum To Their Spleens At The Same Time
“Monkeypox now a global emergency
WHO raises alert after more than 16,000 cases of disease were reported in 74 countries”
– Toronto Star
Then, The Heatwave Ended And They All Turned Their Attention Back To Sky News
“UNITED KINGDOM
Protesters call for climate action
Conservative government urged to tax big polluters, reduce energy bills”
– Toronto Star
Lucky For Them, There Are No Civilian Survivors To Contradict Their Story
“Russia insists airstrike on Odesa hit military targets”
– Toronto Star
The Bears Are Terrible Drivers And The Humans Just Can’t Help Stepping On Bear Toes When They’re Both Stuck In A Long Restaurant Lineup
“Polar bear-human conflicts on rise in Arctic”
– Toronto Star
Sorry, But They’ve All Moved To Florida Without Leaving A Forwarding Address
“Appealing to Canadians’ ‘better angels'”
– Toronto Star
Noun-verb Agreement Is A Bitch…ing
“Nothing works when no one is”
– Toronto Star