Literally thousands of people have commented on the last survey, but we decided to publish another one anyway. As with the previous surveys, please consider your answers carefully when filling it out, then throw the whole thing away. Do not bring it to our office and FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE DON’T CUT ALONG THE BROKEN LINE! Neither Les Pages aux Folles, its airs or assigns accept responsibility for defective surveys.
1) Who are you?
a) a student
b) a student of human nature
c) a human who has a nature
d) a natural human
e) a human
f) a lizard from the planet Melvin
g) asleep
2) If you could be anybody in the world, who would you be?
a) Brian Mulroney
b) Bryan Adams
c) Pope John Paul II
d) Carol Pope
e) other
3) Why would you want to be that person?
a) he sings like a woman
b) he gets his picture on everything
c) he gets a lot of sex
d) I like his chin
e) other
4) What would you do in case of nuclear attack?
a) write a nasty letter to the Times
b) stick my head between my legs and…
c) burn my Conservative Party membership card
5) Which of the following oaths do you prefer?
a) “Goatsucker!”
b) “Fuckwit!”
c) “Lizard puking guts!”
6) What really happened to Jack and Jill?
a) Jack became a products tester in a ball bearing plant and Jill became pregnant and ran off to join a feminist commune
b) Jill got a job as a TV executive and Jack became a failure
c) Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after
7) Where have all the good times gone?
a) to Tahiti for the winter
b) to Capistrano for the swallows
c) to Casablanca for the waters
d) home, and they took their ball with them
e) other
8) How did you like the apocalypse?
a) great – the fires of hell are the best place to roast marshmallows
b) I was mildly disappointed. All the promised pieces were there, but it didn’t move me as much as I expected. Maybe if it had been in Dolby…
c) the apocalypse happened? Why didn’t I know about – I’ve got to start showing up at staff meetings
d) if I had known Satan was coming, I would have baked a cake
9) How’s your love life?
a) terrible; something must be wrong with my toothpaste
b) pretty good; by the way, who is Henry Morgentaler?
c) none of your smarmy, petty-minded business!
d) you’ll never know (snicker, snicker)
e) other
10) What is the opiate of the masses?
a) opiate
b) religion
c) Blue and Blue Light
d) neon signs
e) leisure suits
11) Who is Peter Euberroth?
a) AL President
b) NL President
c) NHL President
d) CBC President
e) a bowl of fruit
f) a very big Roth
12) How can you afford classes at university?
a) independently wealthy
b) independently wealthy parents
c) sold all my Styx albums
d) bootlegged jeans to Russia
e) you mean I have to pay for classes at university?
14) Why is there no question 13?
a) typesetting error
b) we can’t count (writer error)
c) stupid joke (editor error)
15) How do you make venetian blinds?
a) put acid in their eyedrops
b) drop acid in their drink
c) take away their glasses
16) What is your idea of heaven?
a) going a day without hearing anything about Madonna
b) cold drink, warm bodies and enough money to pay off the witnesses
c) knowing where my security hanky is
17) How long is it?
a) 10 feet
b) 10 hours
c) bigger than a breadbox
d) that’s a rather personal question, isn’t it?
18) Where were you when Kennedy was shot?
a) I hadn’t been born
b) I was only a baby at the time
c) NOWHERE NEAR DALLAS! I SWEAR!
19) Are we not men?
a) yes, we are men
b) no, we are first year Psychology of Bottle Caps students
c) we are tuna fish sandwiches
20) Where can you find fun, frivolity and a social conscience?
