1) On a scale of one to ten, how useless are Republicans?
a) rutabaga
b) …10 rutabagas?
c) so useless, they should really be rated on a rutabaga scale
2) What can organizations do to avoid creating obstacles in customer service?
a) fire all their customers
b) stop putting barricades up around the customer service desk
c) why in the name of Smith would organizations want to avoid creating obstacles in customer service?
3) Defending itself against accusations that it sold Cold-FX using false advertising, a representative of Bausch Health Companies stated that the company never claimed that the product prevented or cured colds, only that it had a “clinically proven formula” or “clinically proven” ingredients. What were they clinically proven to do?
a) increase the company’s revenues
b) increase the company’s profit margins
c) I…uhh…I really don’t know. Why don’t you look up one of the company’s customer service representatives online for more information?
4) What should Trump’s punishment be for sharing nuclear secrets?
a) watching reruns of The Apprentice until his eyes bleed
b) no, that’s cruel: watching reruns of The Apprentice until his eyes become really, really itchy
c) no, that’s also cruel: watching ads from Joe Biden’s 2020 presidential campaign until his eyes bleed. Yeah. That sounds about right…
5) During the first half of 2023, the Save America Political Action Committee paid over $40 million in legal fees for Donald Trump and his advisers. What could the money have been better spent on?
a) buying
b) a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax, the San Francisco treat, for everybody in Georgia (the American state if Joe Biden wins in 2024, the sovereign state if Donald Trump wins in 2024)
c) creating an environmental PAC to save the endangered speckle-bellied snark
6) What is a more appropriate name for a third-party Presidential campaign than “No Labels?”
a) No Chances
b) No Scruples
c) Spoilers ‘R’ Us (And Don’t Our Republican Donors Know It!)
7) Is Donald Trump the most corrupt president in American history or the dumbest and the most incompetent one?
a) 91 criminal indictments (and counting) would suggest the most corrupt
b) his enraged word salads – so like the English language, yet so frustratingly not – would suggest the dumbest and most incompetent
c) what have I been saying for the past couple of years about false choices? Honestly, do you pay attention to anything I write?
8) Kanye West’s Xitter account has been reinstated. What did he have to promise in order to get it back?
a) to never Xit anything critical of Elon Musk, even if it was funny…especially if it was funny
b) to only reXit posts containing anti-Semitic material rather than create his own
c) to just be his brilliant, charming self, something he is almost capable of pulling off
9) Which of the following countries has Britain not invaded?
a) Venezuela
b) Russia
c) Finland
d) none of the above
10) Why did Carlos D’Oliveira ask for a trial extension?
a) he was having a bad hair day
b) he wanted to visit the grave of his mother to pay his respects, but he had to wait until she died
c) Donald Trump asked him to
11) Could it have been a delaying tactic?
a) yuh think?
b) nooooo, really?
c) I would duh you, but I’m worried that the word has been so overused that it no longer carries the sarcastic weight it used to; perhaps if I duhed you with a 20 foot tall billboard, you might stay duhed…
12) Why does Washington media incessantly talk about how seven or eight Democrats should have voted to allow Kevin McCarthy to remain as Speaker of the House instead of talking about how seven or eight Republicans should have voted to elect Hakeem Jeffries as Speaker of the house?
a) a functioning House of Representatives doesn’t sell newspapers
b) because they can see McCarthy being played by John Slattery in the movie about the dysfunction in the House, but they cannot imagine who would play Jeffries (apparently, Dev Patel, Asif Mandvi and so many others are unavailable, in the journalists’ imaginations if not in real life)
c) media talking heads don’t want to risk making Donald Trump angry – they wouldn’t like him when he’s angry
13) Hosting five FIFA World Cup soccer matches will cost the City of Toronto millions of dollars, since it will have to renovate a stadium, hire full-time staff and pay for any losses the event may accrue. Hosting six Taylor Swift concerts could earn Toronto as much as $400 million dollars. Given this, why is City Council so focused on the sports event?
a) sport is wholesome and pure while Taylor Swift is the devil’s dance music
b) soccer appeals to the city’s moneyed class, while Taylor Swift only appeals to everybody else
c) city councillors don’t want to risk inadvertently making Taylor Swift angry – they wouldn’t like her when she’s angry
14) Lawyers for MyPillow Guy Mike Lindell have asked the court for permission to stop representing him in the defamation lawsuits brought against him by Smartmatic and Dominion Voting Systems. Why would they do this?
a) the sacred legal principal that you don’t continue a losing case when the money runs out
b) they felt they couldn’t give Lindell the best advice because the case kept putting them to sleep (the good news is that, if he has a business after this is all over, this would be the basis for an effective ad campaign for his products)
c) Joe Biden something something corrupt Department of Justice something something something with a melon
15) Marjorie Taylor Greene is set to release a tell-all book this fall, titled MTG. “I wanted people to hear my side of the story,” said the far-right Georgia Republican. What would you rather do than read her book?
a) smear honey all over my eyes and stick my head in a bee hive
15-1) that’s a little hostile, don’t you think?
i) only a little? I’m going to have to work on that!
ii) only a little? I thought my hostility went up to 11!
iii) only a little? Would my hostility level have been clearer if I had shouted‽
b) watch reruns of The Apprentice until my eyes bleed (at least that will be over a lot quicker)
c) watch reruns of The Apprentice until Donald Trump’s eyes bleed (that’s not meant to be a
little hostile, either – that’s the whole farm, including the cloudless prairie skies, all the sheep an insomniac needs to fall asleep and the paid off mortgage hostile. Deal with it!)
16) At the Conservative Party convention, leader Pierre Poilievre vowed to bring back the “promise of Canada.” What was he talking about?
a) a chicken in every pot and a white man in every position of economic and political power
b) a white man in every pot and nobody in control of economic and political power
c) an IOU to Indigenous people that was never repaid
17) When the Ontario government boasts in advertisements about “unlocking land” to aid with the housing crisis, what are they really talking about?
a) finding the keys to the kingdom – Ontario thought it had put them on the table by the front door…they have to be around here somewhere
b) the party’s strategy when they play Risk
c) selling prime agricultural land to their developer friends for – oops, never mind: problem solved
18) Which of the following calls to 911 were not appropriate?
a) somebody had swallowed a mosquito, choked and lost their dentures, leaving them unable to eat dinner
b) somebody ordered a pepperoni pizza and got Hawaiian instead
c) somebody in camo pants is wandering around the neighbourhood. This is an insult to our brave men and women in the military. Can you send a police officer over to take the pants off him?
d) *GROAN* all of the above
19) Where should former President Donald Trump build his presidential library?
a) his cell
b) his friend Bubba’s cell
c) there must be room in the back of a closet somewhere in Mar-a-Lago; he can scout locations on a day pass
20) Ha ha ha. Very funny. But don’t you think it will be hard to fit an entire library in a prison cell or closet?
a) not when the “library” is made up entirely of menus from Mar-a-Lago and books written by Tucker Carlson
b) they’re doing amazing things with microdots these days (and they’re such a rush when you apply them directly to your skin!)
c) not really: one of the most important lessons Trump learned from Roy Cohen was never to leave a paper trail