1) Why would a black man promote state legislation that disenfranchises people who look like him in his response to the President’s (not really but, yeah, really) first State of the Union address?
a) moral conviction
b) notice how I said that with a straight face? Hee hee – moral convic – ha ha! Okay, sorry, I – ha ha ha ha ha ha – uhh, why don’t you just choose answer a) and forget answer b) – tee hee – ever happened? Okay? Okay. Thanks
c) it’s what the people who elected him expected him to do…at least, it would have been if he had given any indication during the election that it’s what he wou – you know what? Answer a) is looking better and better all the time…
2) What “important experience” does retired MPP Norm Sterling bring to his new job as head of Ontario’s Greenbelt Council?”
a) being an opposition MPP who, in 1985, voted against the creation of the Greenbelt Council
b) being Environment Minister in the 1990s Harris government, when the department’s budget was cut in half
c) he was the hockey card shootsies champion of his neighbourhood three years running starting when he was nine years old
3) What would Biden call Ford’s paid sick days?
a) …of the wild
b) late for dinner
c) Josephine of Aguilara
4) According to former President (for life, in his own mind, at least, if nowhere else) Donald Trump, these actions were “a total disgrace and an embarrassment to our country.” What actions, by whom?
a) shoving foreign leaders to the side to help Donald Trump get to a photo op
b) having the army shove protesters to the side to help Donald Trump get to a photo op
c) Twitter and Facebook banning Donald Trump from their platforms so they wouldn’t have to be complicit in fomenting another insurrection (because that would hurt their bottom line and, you know, be wrong and stuff)
5) What is the difference between “Foxitis” and “Foxmania?”
a) a not guilty verdict and 10-15 years in prison
b) for the former, take two tablets and call me in the morning; for the latter, make sure your will is in order and call an undertaker in the morning
c) one attacks you, the other causes you to attack others (science just hasn’t determined which is which, yet)
6) How many self-published authors make a living at their art?
a) three
b) okay, that was really pessimistic: six
c) self-published authors can make a living at their art?
7) A heat wave in the west has been linked to dozens of deaths. What will be the most important thing for us to do if this becomes the new normal?
a) learn the language of Atlantis
b) grow extra sweat glands
c) decamp for a colony on the moon – it’s a lot cooler there!
8) Match the statement with the best response.
a) Open the pod bay doors, Alexa.
b) Alexa, what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?
c) Alexa, I’m being attacked by a Terminator – what should I do?
d) Alexa, do you expect me to talk?
i) “Come with me if you want to live.”
ii) “42.”
iii) “No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die.”
iv) “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.”
9) What is Skyrim?
a) the title of a Bond, James Bond movie
b) where god puts the salt on his margarita
c) the new crack
10) Who said: “I don’t want everybody to vote. As a matter of fact, our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down.”?
a) Paul Weyrich, who helped establish the Heritage Foundation and other conservative groups, forty years ago
b) former President Donald Trump, who helped devolve modern conservatism, four minutes ago
c) Elmer Fudd (and, believe me, it was lot funnier when he said it!)
11) Kevin McCarthy called Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger “Pelosi Republicans” for joining the Congressional committee investigating the 1/6 assault on the capitol. How hurt are Cheney and Kinzinger by the accusation?
a) so deeply hurt, they will almost forget the important question they will be asking him under oath when he testifies before them
b) much less hurt than they would have been if the insurrectionist mob had found hem on 1/6
c) Kevin who?
12) Nobody in the republican Party is willing to contradict former President Donald Trump. What are they afraid of?
a) a rift opening in space/time allowing the Great Old Ones to enter our universe…and immediately making a pact with Trump
b) a rift opening in space/time that sucks them into another universe, leaving America at the mercy of Democrats in this one
c) mean tweets
13) Mean tweets? But, former President Trump has been banned from Twitter. Why would Republicans continue to fear his mean tweets?
a) figuring that out is the primary challenge, isn’t it?
b) Republicans don’t believe that Trump has been kicked off Twitter; that’s just elite technonerds talking
c) in the dark Twitter of their minds, Trump will always post tweets… * SHUDDER *
14) You might have the twisties and not even know. What is the most telling sign?
a) you randomly feel like John “Scottie” Ferguson for no apparent reason
b) when you bend over to touch your toes, you feel like they’re hovering above your head
c) haters blog that you don’t, that you’re just a weak loser
15) Elections Canada claims to be prepared for a surge in mail-in ballots in the upcoming election that everybody is expecting even though nobody is talking about. How has it prepared?
a) Canada Post has put the homing beavers on steroids
b) the machines at key Canada Post sorting facilities around the country have been stress tested to ensure that they will fail just when they are needed most
c) the motion to increase the salaries of key Canada Post executives has been written and will be submitted to the board the day after the election is called
d) all of the above
16) Covax, the United Nations programme to get COVID-19 vaccines to people in poor countries around the world, has delivered 163 million doses, far short of the plan to have 640 doses available. What went wrong?
a) greed: wealthy nations bought the vaccine from Covax while slow-walking payments it needed to sign deals with drug makers to get vaccines
b) stupidity: no funds had been allocated to get the vaccine from airports to arms, so much of it watered tarmac
c) I can’t even: I guess the governments of poor nations just didn’t care enough about the health of their own people
17) Since the beginning of the pandemic, the number of speeding deaths in the United States has ballooned to its largest in a decade even though cars and trucks drove for fewer hours. What best explains this?
a) people are in a hurry to die, and COVID is just too darn slow!
b) police have been so busy harassing people of colour that they had to cut back on making routine stops
c) roads in the US are safer than they have ever been; that’s just elite trafficonerds talking
18) England and Scotland have relaxed quarantine requirements for visitors coming from the United States or Europe, but not Canada. What did Canada ever do to them to deserve such treatment?
a) foisted The Littlest Hobo on the world
b) introduced David Cronenberg into the world (Scotland still has nightmares about its head exploding!)
c) nothing, and isn’t that just a bit too convenient? A little suspicious…?
19) Who are the Cyber Ninjas?
a) an elite group of black clad election auditors who slip into a sports arena without anybody noticing, completely mess up the chain of ownership of voting machines and ballots, and slip away into the night with nobody being the wiser (except anybody who is paying attention)
b) a private company hired by the Arizona government to prove that Joe Biden didn’t win the state in 2020…uhh, we mean, to ensure the integrity of the 2020 election
c) just a bunch of crazy kids out to have a little fun on a Saturday night (and, given COVID restrictions, can you blame them?)
20) Match the election interference with its wealthy backer.
a) paid for the production of the “documentary” (more a docufantasy) called Deep Rig about how ANTIFA stole the 2020 election for Joe Biden (The Rock is kicking himself for not starring in a film with that name)
b) created a template for voter suppression laws that can be used by Republican states to disenfranchise tens of thousands of voters. (They’re kicking themselves that they didn’t think of this sooner, but they did. It was called Jim Crowe. Those who don’t remember history are thrilled to repeat it…)
c) spread the Big Lie that the 2020 election was stolen for Joe Biden by his close personal friends in the Chinese government, or possibly by the ghost of Hugo Chavez – the lengths Democrats will go to win is frightening!
i) the American Legislative Exchange Council (those smart ALECs!), a non-profit organization (it’s corporate funders, such as the Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation, are the ones who stand to profit)
ii) Patrick Byrne, the multimillionaire founder of Overstock.com (apparently, with the right software even democracy can be bought and sold)
iii) Chris Ruddy, the founder of the conservative media company Newsmax (he was a good person in Network – what happened to him?)