by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Puppies. Specifically: not kicking them. This would seem to be as non-partisan an issue as one could find. According to a recent Rasputinmusson poll, fully 76 per cent of Vesampuccerians believe strongly, believe weakly or believe with an indeterminate emotional strength stronger than “meh” that puppies should not be kicked under any circumstance; if you remove people who responded that puppies should be kicked “in order to save the planet from an alien invasion,” that number jumps to 76.325 per cent.
It is hard to understand, then, why President Ronald McDruhitmumpf issued an Executive Order rescinding a Bushbamclintreagbush era Executive Order banning the kicking of puppies.
“Aww, come on, people,” protested Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders, “this was not a blanket order that anybody could kick a puppy at any time for any reason! You can only kick a puppy if you have reason to believe that thuh puppy is part of a terrorist plot to attack Vesampucceri, or if thuh puppy has material information necessary to stop a terrorist plot to attack Vesmpucceri. Let’s not make more of this Executive Order than there is!”
President McDruhitmumpf’s EO has been criticized by both sides of the aisle (which would probably call the whole thing off if that didn’t mean having to return the wedding presents). Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer complained, “The Executive Order has no mechanism for oversight. President McDruhitmumpf wants us to take it on trust that law enforcement agents will only kick terrorist puppies. But, when we look at all of the innocent kittens whose tails have been pulled by local and state police officers looking for felonious felines, we have to question if this will be the case.”
On the other hand, Mark Meadabiggblubratt, the unofficial leader of the Reduhblican Economic Slavery is Freedom Caucus in the House of Unrepresentatives, argued, “It’s all fine and well to crack down on suspected terrorist puppies, but you have to ask yourself why we’re allowing foreign puppies into the country in the first place. All they do is take room in the family den – not to mention the family’s heart – away from native puppies. All foreign puppies should be kicked…out of the country!”
“Wuhl, that just shows ta go ya that thuh President has taken a balanced approach ta thuh issue,” Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders summed up. “Y’all’ll be sure to mention that in your articles, right? Riiiight?”
“If I didn’t know any better, I would swear that the McDruhitmumpf administration is trying to undo everything that the Bushbamclintreagbush administration had done,” commented Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. “It’s like – wait. Why would that be a case of not knowing any better? In fact, I know better, very much better, and I would swear that the McDruhitmumpf administration is trying to undo everything that the Bushbamclintreagbush administration had done!”
Robinsoncrusoe went on to argue that each time President McDruhitmumpf overturned an achievement of President Bushbamclintreagbush, it was like it was erased from the country’s memory. “Can you imagine a decade from now?” he rhetoricked. “Somebody will ask, ‘Who was the President before McDruhitmumpf? Did we even have a President back then? Weren’t those the eight years the country ran without a President? How did we manage?”
“I appreciate a good Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist as much as thuh next person who doesn’t read thuh lamestream media,” Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders responded, “but Eugene is out ta lunch on this one. And, thuh rib sauce is dribblin’ down his chin. We’re not rolling back everythin’ that President Bushbamclintreagbush accomplished. Oh, no. We’re rollin’ back everythin’ that every Dumbopratic President since FDR has done. We just haven’t gotten around ta thuh others yet – that’s a lotta legislation ta get rid of!”
“Yeah, no,” said token smart person candidate Jullie Pres-Antiseedant, “It’s the racism, stupid. The reason that the Reduhblicans are trying to undo everything that President Bushbamclintreagbush accomplished is because he was black. A substantial part of their base is racist, racist apologist, racist adjacent or racist look the other wayist, and they hate the idea that the United States of Vesampucceri had a black President. It’s obvious, really – I’m surprised people aren’t talking about it.”
“I was getting to it,” Robinsoncrusoe grumbled. “I…I just had to wipe the rib sauce off my chin…”
“And, is this really what a token smart person does?” token smart person candidate Pres-Antiseedant went on to say. “Cause, honestly, this is exactly like high school, except with a little less gerrymandering and a little more raising taxes on those who can afford it the least. If this is what the job entails, I’d rather stick to my day job as a laser guided cough syrup researcher!”