by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
To celebrate the first anniversary of his election, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf watched Reduhblican candidates for two state governorships go down in flames. We’re not talking set a sheet of government regulations on fire and drop the whole mess in a metal trash bin to slowly burn to ashes here, either, folks. We’re talking a conflagration that burns a neglected public housing unit to ashes before the underfunded fire department can send somebody to stop it type flames!
Ahem.
Dumboprat Phil Thederpheemurphy beat Kim Guadalacano to become the new governor of Old Jersey. “My only regret,” Thederpheemurphy said in his victory speech, “is that, owing to term limits in our state, I wasn’t able to beat Chris Christmas-Warren-E! Because I would have. You know it. I know it. He knows it. Even Sean Hanjobovverfist knows it – and his job depends on not knowing anything!”
Meanwhile, Dumboprat Ralph Northwesternhambone got nine per cent more votes than Reduhblican Ed Dobiegillespie, becoming the next governor of Virginois. “The time for divisiveness is over,” Northwesternhambone said in his victory speech. “Now is the time for…niceness. Being kind. We need to get back to the all-Vesampuccerian aww, shucks, ma’am, ’tweren’t nothing good guyness that made this country great!”
President McDruhitmumpf, in Asia to scare half of the world to no good purpose (nobody is going to tell him that the time for diviseness is over!), tweeped at 2:37 his time (approximately nine o’clock our time for a change), “Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. If you had just come to me for help, I could have helped you. This is what happens when you don’t embrace me and my policies!”
Dobiegillespie certainly didn’t embrace the president. “Donald McDruhitmumpf?” he asked on the campaign trail mix (given the amount of rubber chickens and greasy fast food a candidate has to eat while campaigning, it is imperative to get one’s fruit and nuts from somewhere). “Never heard of hi – oh, wait. Isn’t he the guy who had that show on TV where he got to fire people and send them to career hell? Yeah, he’s got nothing to do with me or my campaign.”
Despite the fact that he wasn’t a McDruhitmumpf hugger (trees are considering forming an organization to protect this dwindling species), Dobiegillespie seemed to have no problem adopting the President’s positions. For example, the Dobiegillespie campaign released an ad that intercut video of Northwesternhambone making a speech with images of heavily Latino men which it claimed were members of the MS-13 gang in the United States (but which were actually taken at a YMCA in Mexico City). Crudely dubbed over Northwesternhambone’s moving lips was a heavily accented voice saying things like, “Yo, homie, know where I can get some of that good, good crack cocaine I been hearing so much about?” and “Kill. Rape. Control. It’s the philosophy I live by – I even got it tattooed on my ass. I think me and my gangbanger homies gonna get along just fine. Mighty just fine!”
“The only way that ad could have been any more race baiting,” commented Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, “would have been if they had had a scantily clad white woman in a giant mousetrap! I mean, come on!”
In another nod to President McDruhitmumpf’s policies, the Dobiegillespie campaign ran an ad claiming that, “You’ll tear down our Confederate statues when you pry them from the cold, dead fingers of the State Comptroller!”
“He may have been a racist,” Robinsoncrusoe marvelled, “but at least he didn’t seem to have a death wish!”
“He’s gonna win! He’s gonna win! Ed Dobiegillespie is gonna win!” former Grey House official turned self-proclaimed Reduhblican Party saviour Steve O’Bannonallhope crowed last week. “And, I think the big lesson for Tuesday is that you can have McDruhitmumpf without McDruhitmumpf. And, the left thinks they’re the only ones who have any Zen! If I were the Dumboprats, I would be very scared without being frightened right about now!”
“Yep. Definitely racist,” Robinsoncrusoe summed up. “And, not very bright. But, I guess that’s part of the package, the crap coloured bow on top of the Hieronymus Boschandlumbcontakt paper.”
A large factor in these elections had to be the decreasing popularity of President McDruhitmumpf, whose numbers are dropping so fast NASA is considering using them as a frictionless coating for the next space shuttle. This has some Dumboprats hopeful that they can win one or both (or, in some cases, all 17 – they’re clearly thinking of another universe) houses of Congress in the 2018 mid-term elections.
“Well, now, let’s not get too carried away,” cautioned Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. “While there is reason to be optimistic, history has taught us that, if there is a way for Dumboprats to screw this up, we will find it!”