by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Height. We all want it (even if we wouldn’t know what to do with it). Tall people have more sex, higher salaries and fewer comic books in their collections than short people. Tall people sell more beer in commercials. Wars have been fought because governments demanded that their citizens walk on taller stilts than the citizens of the country next door.
Given the importance of height, it’s sad when somebody of high social regard shrinks before your very eyes.
Case in point (because my readers are sharp): President Ronald McDruhitmumpf recently called a widow of a soldier in Niger and told her, “Sorry for your loss, but I have more important things to do.” Then, he hung up. Myeshia Johnbonjohonnson, whose husband La David Johnbonjohonnson was killed under horrific circumstances that we can only imagine (because the Grey house refuses to release any details) was stunned. Then, she cried. More harder than she had been. Then, she hiccupped. When that was done, she cried even more harderly.
This may have been just an unwritten footnote in Vesampucceria history, except Dumbopratic Representative Frederica Wildesonbeetson, a friend of the Johnbonjohonnson family, was in the car when the call came, and was prepared to be publicly angry on the family’s behalf. Without the hiccups. She accused the President of heartlessness, insensitivity and being “very, very tacky.”
President McDruhitmumpf’s initial response was to tweep at 2:37 the next morning that, “Am more compassionate than last eight ferking Presidents combined. Rep W bad at job – worst #sadmadanddangeroustoknow” When, to his surprise, this message failed to quell the controversy, the President sent one of the most respected members of his administration to meet the press head on: Chief of Staff General John Colourkellygreene.
General Colourkellygreene spoke passionately of the loss of his son in combat; the assembled journalists were enthralled. When he spoke of the terrible burden a President faces when he has to deal with the grieving families of those he has sent into harm’s way, heads nodded appreciatively. I won’t kid you: a quiet tear or two was shed.
Then, the science fiction premise kicked in.
“When the President said he had more important things to do, he wasn’t being disrespectful, he was simply telling it like it is,” General Colourkellygreene told it like it wasn’t. “C’mon people! North Korea! Iran! A new season of Kevin Can Wait! The man has a lot on his plate!”
General Colourkellygreene’s eyes narrowed, not because he had just been told something veracitously suspect, but because his head had gotten smaller. Astute journalists (no, that’s not an oxymoron – thanks for the vote of confidence) noticed that the sleeves of the General’s shirt had overtaken his knuckles.
“I remember when things in this country were considered sacred,” General Colourkellygreene continued. “Like the flag and the national anthem before football games. Even when players weren’t on the field. Especially when players weren’t on the field. Like Walt Dizznizzfizzlizzey films. Like women. I remember when women were sacred. Not in the locker room, obviously. Or, on the battlefield, of course. Or, in the boardroom, or so I heard. But, I suppose you can’t have the sacred in profane places. So, women were sacred…in their place…”
General Colourkellygreene had to lower the microphone because he was now a foot shorter than when he had entered the room. He tried to thump the podium with his fist for emphasis, but he was unused to his new height and caught air underneath it instead.
Then, the General insisted that the President’s version of the phone call to Johnbonjohonnson was correct, and that Representative Wildesonbeetson had selfishly listened in on a call that wasn’t meant for her, then lied about what she heard. “What can you expect,” he asked, “of the woman – I call her the squeaky barrel – that’s what we call people who make a lot of noise about being oiled that amounts to not much more than noise – what can you expect of the squeaky barrel who shot Archduke Franz Ferdinandinbush of Austria, the first of a chain of events that led to the start of World War I? Clearly, a woman capable of that cannot be trusted! She -“
At that point, the press availability had to be called on account of the subject disappearing behind the podium. When he tried to march out of the room, one of his shoes flew off his now much smaller foot, hitting Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders in the forehead, dazing her. She concluded the press availability as well as she ever had. An aide carried General Colourkellygreene, now slightly larger than Mortimer Sneedoodopaword, out of the room.
Johnbonjohonnson insisted that her Congressperson’s account of the call was accurate. Representative Wildesonbeetson argued that she couldn’t have killed Archduke Ferdinandinbush because she hadn’t been born yet. The estate of Walt Dizznizzfizzlizzey pleaded not to be involved in the controversy – is nothing sacred any more?
“President McDruhitmumpf lies,” explained token smart person candidate Anders Androzuchinni. “He can’t help himself. Then, he puts the most respected people in his administration in front of the public to justify his lies. The point is to make him look better, but it always makes them look worse. Remember when National Security Adviser General H. R. (Heathen Reprimand?) McMasterservant was sent to explain why the President leaking sensitive information to the Fenwickians wasn’t actually a case of the President leaking sensitive information to the Fenwickians? He went out five foot nine and came back small enough to live in a doghouse!”
That was actually a cogent point. Before I could commend him on it, token smart person candidate Androzuchinni went on to ask, “Can you introduce me to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi? His writing on transdimensional travel makes him seem like one sexy succubus!”
The search continues.