“Sweetie?”
“Yes, dear?”
“There’s a naked body near us.”
“It will happen. This is a beach.”
“The body is dead.”
“The heat really takes a lot out of some pe -“
“It’s bloated and it’s blue in its extremities.”
“You mean, dead dead?”
“That is precisely what I mean.”
Sweetie languidly takes off his eyeshades and turns his head to look over his shoulder in the general direction Dear had indicated with a flip of her hand. He returns to his comfortable position on the beach chair and puts the shades back over his eyes.
“So it is,” he comments.
“Do something about it,” Dear acidly orders.
“Do something about it?”
“This is a private beach.”
“Ah, well, I imagine his body just washed ashore after the tsunami.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, if he is a victim of a natural disaster, he obviously didn’t walk onto the beach of his own volition. I hardly think we could consider his corpse to be trespassing.”
“I DON’T CARE IF THE GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY TURNED HIM INTO A VAPOUR AND BLEW HIM ONTO THE BLOODY BEACH. I. DON’T. WANT. HIM. HERE!”
“Well. There’s no need to shout. It’s not like I’m the dead man here.”
“Do something.”
“I don’t know that action is warranted, here. I mean, it’s such a beautiful day and it’s not like a dead body is going to do anything that could cause anybody any harm.”
“It could be diseased.”
“I hardly think you’re in a position to make such a diagnosis.”
“IF WE GET RID OF THE BODY, WE WON’T HAVE TO SPECULATE ABOUT IT BEING DISEASE-RIDDEN OR NOT!”
“So, you want me to do something.”
“Yes!”
“Have a little talk with the travel agent, perhaps?”
“Aah, maybe the hotel manager would be in a better position to deal with this.”
“There must be some authority…even on this island.”
“Would you please go and find him, then? That body is obviously not going to get off the beach by itself.”
“In half an hour.”
“Why half an hour?”
“I need to do my other side for half an hour so my tan is even.”
“THERE’S A DEAD BODY ON THE BEACH, AND YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR TAN?”
“I can’t find some authority to deal with this…situation with an uneven tan. I’ll be laughed out of the authority’s office, and rightly so.”
“Oh, don’t put yourself out.”
“Now, there’s no need for sarcasm.”
“No, really. There’s no point in doing anything – there’s another dead body on the beach.”
Sweetie lifts his eyeshades and looks past his feet. Sure enough, the bloated, half-clothed body of a dead woman lies right in front of them. He puts his eyeshades back on, turns onto his stomach and, stifling a self-satisfied grin, says, “Well, that’s that, then.”
“I hope you’re satisfied,” Dear tells him.
“Surely, you can’t be blaming me for this.”
“I most certainly can. If you had acted when I told you to, we might have been able to nip this ‘dead bodies on the beach’ thing in the bud, derailed it before it had gathered up a ghastly head of steam. But, now. Well, now, I suppose it’s only a matter of time before we’re up to our armpits in dead bodies.”
“Over 120,000 people did die.”
“NOT ON MY BEACH, THEY DIDN’T! NOT DURING MY BLOODY VACATION!”
“Well… It’s a natural disaster. I hardly think my acting sooner would have changed things. … No, I don’t think it would have changed things one bit. … Besides, I don’t think you have the right attitude.”
“There’s a right attitude to have towards dead bodies showing up on one’s beach?”
“This wouldn’t have happened if we had gone to Miami, or, or Malibu. Can you imagine a dead body appearing on the beach in Malibu? It would be arrested for loitering and carted off to jail before anybody even noticed it was there.”
“Mmm…and, your point is?”
“This is a vacation like no other. I’ll bet none of the women in your pilates class have ever been on a vacation like this. You’ll be the centre of attention for months!”
“Sweetie, we’re on a beach with two – make that three dead bodies!”
“Dear, not so loud! If people hear you, everybody will want one!”