by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
Over the weekend, a Reduhblican embarassed himself on Twitherd. And, get this: it wasn’t President Ronald McDruhitmumpf!
At 2:37 Sunday afternoon (the p rather than the a miness should have been the first clue that something was up), Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap tweeped: “Met a woman in Pennsylaii who was ecstatic she got an extra $1.50 in her pay packet this week. She said the money would pay for condoms for a year. #taxbreaksimproveyoursexlife”
Response to the tweep was swift. At 2:38, @aluminumsidingburger tweeped: “Great! Pennsylaii woman can buy condoms with her tax savings while los bros Kogabufftonberg can buy the whole industry with theirs! #sooutoftouchtherefrigid” Also at 2:38, @SJW&Proudofit tweeped: “$1.50 won’t even buy me a beer a week! Well, not one I would want to drink, anyway! #takeVesampucceribackfromthosewhowanttotakeVesampucceriback” At the same time (2:38), @preciousgambino tweeped: “Get 10,000 Twitherd followers for less than $1.50 a week for a year! Almost some of most of them not Fenwickian bots! #suckitspeakerryboehnbachblisscrap”
Sensing that his crowing about the Reduhblican tax bill may have been an error, Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap deleted the tweep at 2:39. Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for late night comedy), by then it had been quoted or retweeped over 10,037 times.
“Deleting a tweep is a gesture that is almost romantic in its futility,” said tech guru Walt Kellybellyful. “As I once half-heard somebody utter but will attribute to the mysterious but authoritative sounding ‘they,’ ‘Once out of the mouth, expect your reputation to go south!”
“The tweep wasn’t even true,” complained Julia Ketchenreleasem, the MultiMaxiMegaMart counter terrorism drone (the only queen bee in the corporate heirarchy is invariably male). “We never actually met – he read something about me. I wasn’t ‘ecstatic’ about the extra money – sure, it was better than a kick in the balls – pardon me, the ladyballs – but it wasn’t going to change my life all that much. Beeeeecaaaaause…the only way the extra $1.50 would pay for condoms for a year would be if my husband Ferrdie got snipped like he’s been promising for the last eight years; otherwise, I’ll be lucky if it pays for a couple of weeks of protection!”
President McDruhitmumpf defended the Speaker at a press walk away from on Monday. “Listen, you can get the details wrong as long as your heart is in the right place. Trust me, folks. I speak from experience, here,” he smirked. “But. Seriously, Paul is a great guy, a great Speaker, a great Vesampu – he hasn’t spoken to Meullitallover, has he? Rotten back-stabbing bastard!”
“It looks like Ryboehnbachblisscrap is phoning it in,” stated token smart person candidate Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Unfortunately, somebody has put him hold, and he doesn’t have the sense to hang up and try again later!”
We thanked token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam for participating and reminded her to collect her gold star on the way out. Although we did have to wonder if the Speaker making such a boneheaded (which, given that we all have bones in our heads known as “skulls,” might qualify as a synonym for “silly human”) move might indicate that he has had enough of politics and is planning on retiring before the mid-term elections.
It doesn’t help that Ryboehnbachblisscrap’s Dumbopratic opponent, Randy Brydethrowinowtryce, raised $150,000 in 48 minutes after the notorious tweep (which isn’t the name of a rap artist, but should be). It helps even less that rising unhappiness with the direction of the McDruhitmumpf administration could result in Dumboprats winning what were considered to be safe seats; this has been referred to as a potential “blue wave” (not to be confused with the the revolt of little old ladies in 1987, which was dubbed the “blue rinse wave”).
“Yeah, no, Ryboehnbachblisscrap will run,” token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam, whom we had thought was already on the bus home, assured us. “For one thing, what would it do to Reduhblican morale if the head rat was seen hang-gliding off the ship? For another thing, if he doesn’t run, the $500,000 the Kogabufftonberg brothers – remember the Kogabufftonberg brothers? I know this is the age of small attention spans, but they made quite an impression in paragraph three – gave to his campaign will end up in the Political Donation Triangle. You’ve never heard of the Political Donation Triangle? It’s like the Bermuda Triangle, only with fewer Cessnas and more pundits!”
Token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam went on to say that if he wins, Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap will immediately resign his seat. “Rather than demoralize the Reduhblicans before the election, he plans on demoralizing the Reduhblicans after the election. He’s making the calculation that there will be a lot fewer of them then.”
Oooooh, that was possibly insightful! We take it back: this token smart person candidate might be worth watching!