by NAOMI WOLGREEKLEISTEIGAN, Alternate Reality News Service Feminism Writer
Margaret Atwood did not see this one coming!
Jane Doe (not her fake name) was arrested Tuesday on charges of murder for aborting her waaaaaay unborn child. Texas, her home state, has defined human life as starting “in the twinkle in a young man’s eye,” making charges like this inevitable, really.
“How did they know?” Doe complained. “I was very careful. I told all my friends on farcebook that I was going to California to visit my old boyfriend’s cat Sir Dodsworth Rugglesby. Doddy and I were…very close. Everybody who knew me knew that. The real reason for my trip was only told to people on a need to know basis, and nobody needed to know. I paid for everything in cash – even the free peanuts on the plane. I wore a disguise as a keep left sign whenever entering or leaving the women’s health clinic. How could the government know that I was having an abortion?”
The Blood of Our Mothers app on her phone informed them.
“What? No. Uh uh. No way. Not possible. Didn’t happen,” stated Massimo Proffeti, Chief Executive Officer of 125653 Texas Incorporated, the makers of Blood of Our Mothers, one of the most popular period tracking apps on the market (it may have something to do with the Maine Coon kittens on the package). “I wouldn’t do anything to undermine the public’s trust in 125653 Texas Incorporated, especially by sharing the private information of our clients with the Texas government!”
The State’s Attorney cited Blood of Our Mothers in its charging document.
“Oh, that Texas government!” Proffeti responded. “I thought – hunh – I thought you were talking about…uhh…that other – you know – that other, umm, government of Texas. Yeah. Okay. We may have a…sharing agreement with the government. We share our information with them, and they share our liberty with us. Everybody wins!”
“Interesting definition of ‘everybody,'” Doe said from the cell where she was being detained.
Period apps are not bits of software that warn writers when their sentences are running on and need to be split into two or more sentences because the writers are trying to cram more ideas into them than a reasonably intelligent reader could possibly hope to follow, causing many readers to throw up their hands in frustration and turn to something simpler – a Dick and Jane primer, for example, or War and Peace – in order to [Jesus begesus, Naomi! If you don’t end this sentence immediately, I’m going to write that app myself just so I can use it on you! I’m tempted to wear the slapping gloves when I do that, but I’m trying to vary my editorial input to keep things interesting for my writers. You’re welcome. BARBARA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI, EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF] find something they can follow. No. Period apps help women track their menstrual cycles. Knowing when they are most fertile can allow women greater opportunity to achieve – or avoid – pregnancy.
A period tracker can also raise red flags for the government to spot (my apologies for the image if any of my male readers are squeamish about red spots in this context). If a woman who has missed three or four periods suddenly starts having them again, the Texas Pregnancy Police may infer shenanigans. If, towards the end of that period (of time, not…the other thing), the woman went to California to “visit the cat of my ex,” you may as well write up the arrest warrant.
“Oh, there’s no need to write an arrest warrant,” said Dolores Umbridge, head of the Texas Pregnancy Police, a branch of the force that answers directly to Greg Abbott (who took my question on sufferance). “We have forms for that kind of thing!”
Some women’s groups have recommended that women stop using period tracking software until the companies that make it can ensure that the information collected by them will not be collected by the government.
“They can’t do that!” Proffeti whimpered. “I mean – I mean – I mean…Blood of Our Mothers is so useful!”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott is considering a law that would require that all women of child-bearing age use period tracking software.
“Oh, phew!” Profetti wiped the sweat off his forehead with a tampon that just happened to be lying on his office desk. “Dodged a bullet, there!”
“Actually, I did consider a scenario similar to this while writing The Handmaids’s Tale,” Margaret Atwood commented, which was odd because I hadn’t actually interviewed her for this article. “I rejected it as being too farfetched. You should have more faith in Canadian literature and I should have more faith in the human capacity for warped ingenuity!”
I stand corrected.