Celebrity deaths as recorded on the Obits ‘R Us Web page:
Roy Would Have Wanted It That Way
Roy E. Disney, nephew of Walt and powerhouse behind the Disney empire, has died of stomach cancer at the age of 79. To celebrate his life and contributions to the company, Walt Disney Corporation will be suing a small daycare centre in Winosha, Wisconsin for painting Disney characters on its walls without permission or payment of a fee.
Debate About Whether Or Not His Death Was Faked Ensued…
Professional wrestler Captain Lou Albano has died. He was 76. Cyndi Lauper may not feel like having fun for a while.
Who Says Prison Doesn’t Teach Valuable Life Lessons?
Christopher Browne, the Wall Street financier who challenged Conrad Black’s control of Hollinger International, has died of a heart attack. Black, in prison for fraud, chuckled and said, “I guess there really is something to this voodoo doll stuff…”
Miraculously, His Hand Grew Back, Too
Joseph Wiseman has died at the age of 91. This may come as a surprise to many people, who thought he had been killed in the 1960s by James Bond. Apparently, he survived that encounter, and went on to have a long and varied stage acting career.
Hearing About His Death Was Like A Pie In The Gut
Soupy Sales died of a series of ailments at the age of 83? Funny you should say that…
For One Woman, It’s A Wrap!
Artist Jeanne-Claude has died at the age of 74. She will be buried in crinkly wrapping paper, after which her husband and artistic collaborator Christo will wrap the entire cemetery.
Good As Goldie
Shaw and Stratford Festivals actor Goldie Semple has died of cancer at the age of 56. At least, that’s how it appears. Friends and family hope that this is the most brilliant performance of her brilliant career.
Kristol Clear
Irving Kristol, early theorist of the neo-conservative movement, has died. He was 89. And, isn’t that just like somebody on the far right to leave just as disaster strikes, forcing other people to clean up the mess his ideology created!
I…I Watched Gidget Goes Greek On Cable…
Paul Wendkos has died at the age of 84. He was perhaps best known as the director of Gidget. No, no, no, not the porn film Gidget Goes Greek. Gidget. The surf movie with Sandra Dee? Okay, stop snickering. No, really, it’s not that funny. Wendkos directed over 100 films and television shows in his 50 year career – what have you done lately?
Oddly Enough, That Doesn’t Sound Better In Yiddish
Actor Lou Jacobi has died. He was 95. You know, despite the moustache, he looked great in women’s clothing.
This May Be The Only Time I Sympathize With The Personification Of A Natural Process
Edward Woodward has died at the age of 79. He was actually scheduled to die over 15 years ago, but Death was afraid to come for the actor who played The Equalizer on TV.
Cor, I Don’t Like The Looks Of That Last Headline, Don’t Like Them One Bit, And Who Was That Woman I Saw The Headline Over The Following Article Out With Last Night?
Oooh, you wouldn’t believe what happened to Maggie Jones. Aww, you know, Maggie Jones? She played that Blanche Hunt on Coronation Street, she did. Yes. And, a fine performance it was, too, all piss and vinegar – nothing got past old Blanche, I can tell you that much! Always had an opinion, Blanche did. Knew what’s what, Blanche did. Well, she died. NOOOOOO, not Blanche. Maggie. Maggie Jones. Oh, you can be thick sometimes!
In Lieu Of Flowers, Go See A Foreign Movie At An Independent Theatre
The Carlton Theatre has passed on. Although it had been ailing for many years, people just naturally assumed that it would keep going. It’s passing seemed sudden, is what I’m saying. It is survived by the Cumberland and the Bloor cinemas.
Canadian Culture Has Always Sounded Better With A French Accent
Gilles Carle, director of such works as La vraie nature de Bernadette, Maria Chapdelaine and Les Plouffes, has died. He was 80. His life will be joyously celebrated in Quebec as his death is quietly ignored in the rest of Canada.
Then, There Were The Surfaris…
Del-Fi Records founder Bob Keane, who discovered Ritchie Valens, died at the age of 87. La la la la la la bumma.
And, At A Price Far Less Than The Funerals Of Other Big Box Store Owners
Sol Price, founder of Price Club stores, died at the age of 93. He will be buried in a massive plot in a simple pine box.