How many lies can you find in the following conversation?
“Hey, sport, got a minute?”
“Uhh, sure.”
“My name is Bob. I’m a recruiter for the United States Armed Forces. Have you ever considered a career in the army?”
“Not really…”
“Well, why don’t you? Today’s armed forces shape you so that you work in coordination with thousands of other men and women as part of a lean, mean fighting machine…and helps you fulfill your greatest individual potential! It’s win-win!”
“I don’t know…would I have to kill anybody?”
“Of course not. What do you think this is?”
“Uhh, the army?”
“Let me put it a different way: you won’t have to kill anybody unless you want to.”
“Do a lot of people want to?”
“Couldn’t fight a war if they didn’t.”
“Because, you know, the Bible says that it’s wrong to kill.”
“Actually, the Bible says that it’s wrong to murder.”
“No. It’s one of the 10 commandments: thou shalt not kill.”
“Thou shalt not murder.”
“Well…kill, murder, what’s the difference?”
“All the difference in the world, friend. To kill means to take a life, any life, for any reason. To murder means to kill somebody illegally. But, killing during wartime isn’t against the law. So, actually, when you think about it, god is okay with you killing in the name of your country.”
“Are you sure? That…that doesn’t sound right…”
“Hey, listen, you don’t wanna be a babe magnet, that’s your lookout.”
“A babe magnet?”
“Sure. Chicks love a man in uniform.”
“You let women on the base?”
“Are you kidding? There’s a permanent disco right next to the mess hall! Hell, there’s Karoake every Friday night and free movies every Saturday – usually Hollywood blockbusters before they’re released to the public.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, yeah, they’re very patriotic there in Hollywood, always willing to help out the country’s men in uniform. Man, the base is practically crawling with chicks. Swear to god, you’ll have to beat them off with a stick. You can have a different woman every night of the week if you want.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. Wow. You’ll get laid every night and be serving your country. Does it get any better than that?”
“Mmm…I don’t think so. Still, I heard basic training is kind of…tough, you know?”
“I won’t lie to you – basic training does demand that you be all that you can be. Still, most recruits think it’s worth it because in the end you come out looking like Rambo.”
“Who?”
“Uhh, Rambo. You know: Rambo?”
“Never heard of him.”
“Uhh…The Terminator?”
“I like Vin Diesel.”
“Okay. Him. Stick with the basic training, and, at the end of it, you’ll come out looking like…uhh…”
“Vin Diesel.”
“Yeah. Him.”
“Wow. Can you guarantee that?”
“Absolutely. When you join up, you’re assigned a personal trainer who will tailor an exercise regimen specifically for you that will help to get you into peak physical condition in the least amount of time. Everything will be taken into account, from exercises aimed at every primary muscle group in your body to your diet -“
“My diet?”
“Absolutely. Good eating habits are essential to physical perfection. We have gourmet chefs standing by to develop a menu specifically for you.”
“Gourmet chefs? So, the food is good?”
“Delicious. Better than anything mom ever made.”
“Wouldn’t take much. My mom’s a lousy cook.”
“Hey! Don’t say anything bad about your mother!”
“Sorry.”
“One perk many new recruits find attractive is that the army will pay for your college education.”
“All of it?”
“Including tuition, books, residence and pizza and beer for everybody on the floor of your dorm once – no, twice a week. Because the army believes in well-rounded soldiers.”
“Sounds fantastic, but what if I join up and find that it’s really not for me?”
“Quit.”
“I can do that?”
“Absolutely. Just go up to your commanding officer and explain that you don’t think you’re cut out for a military life, and you’ll be on the next bus home. On us.”
“You’d pay for me to leave?”
“Of course. We don’t want people in the army who don’t want to be there.”
“And, I can quit any time?”
“Any time.”
“Wow! This is an amazing deal! It really sounds too good to be true!”
“This is the new caring, sharing Armed Forces. We just want all of our soldiers to lead happy, fulfilled lives.”
“Why doesn’t everybody sign up for the army?”
“Got me. I guess some people just want to miserable…”