You have to feel sorry for the fine folks at Atomic Energy Canada, Limited. Here the Crown Corporation sits on the biggest technological goldmine since Alexander Graham Bell got the urge to order a pizza in the middle of the night, and the public’s reaction to nuclear energy is keeping them from profiting from it!
Unable to sell many CANDU reactors, AECL has scrambled to find other ways to exploit its nuclear technology. The Pocket Reactor (“Just the thing to power a small apartment complex or wipe out a division of tanks. Decorative and practical, too!”) may yet prove to be a financial success, but AECL is pinning its hopes of a brighter economic tomorrow on the irradiation of food.
Although the Canadian government has yet to approve the method for domestic use (some silly question of whether it is safe has been raised), AECL is pushing the it all over the world. As the problem is being studied, AECL is selling the technology to developing nations on the premise that irradiating food gives it a longer shelf life by destroying micro-organisms that may infest it (“It ZAPS! It WHAPS! It comes in eight designer colours, including beige!”)
If AECL is serious about reaping vast economic benefits from its nuclear technology, it should consider diversifying its product base. I have a few modest suggestions along this line…
GARBAGE DISPOSAL. Down in the basement, behind the six foot concrete door, lies the most effective garbage disposal unit known to man. After inserting the garbage, it is exposed to gamma rays from Cobalt-60 – kept under water when not in use – which reduces it to ashes. A second run reduces the ashes to ashes! POSSIBLE BENEFIT: Irradiated garbage could become a source of energy all on its own. POSSIBLE DRAWBACK: A person would need six months of training to be able to work the system safely. A detailed operating manual might mitigate this somewhat (because we all know how much men love to read the manual…).
PAPER. Irradiating paper products, especially newspapers, might reduce the acids which cause them to yellow, become brittle and, ultimately, fall apart, giving them a much longer life. POSSIBLE DRAWBACK: By making certain pages of a newspaper slightly “hotter” than others, the nuclear industry might be able to discourage people from reading certain stories (say, those critical of the nuclear industry). POSSIBLE BENEFIT: You’ll never have to worry about not being able to read in the dark.
SECURITY. If your house is broken into, areas can be flooded with low level radiation which might decrease the intruder’s life span while leaving the furniture standing. POSSIBLE DRAWBACKS: Some criminals might not find the threat of the statistical probability of a shortened life span a sufficient deterrent. Moreover, if family members were in the home at the time, it would be difficult to ensure that they were not infected, as well. POSSIBLE BENEFITS: On the other hand, posting a nuclear radiation warning outside the house would likely deter most would-be intruders (not to mention solicitors and in-laws).
PERSONAL HYGEINE. Low level radiation could kill germs better than a simple shower or bath, open clogged pores and generally make a person cleaner all around. POSSIBLE DRAWBACK: Recent studies suggest that even low levels of radiation, levels which were once considered safe, cause human cells to mutate, potentially causing all manner of illness. POSSIBLE BENEFITS: Umm…perhaps this application needs more study.
LAW ENFORCEMENT. Irradiated money could be used in sting operations where it is necessary to prove that specific bills passed through specific hands. POSSIBLE BENEFITS: If the right dose of radiation were used, the criminal could also bear radiation marks. Hell, if the right dose were used, you wouldn’t have to worry about that scumbag ever again! POSSIBLE DRAWBACK: Of course, ahem, if such money were to fall into innocent hands, they could be at risk, so you wouldn’t want to become overenthusiastic about this application.
ART. Punk rock musicians consider using bursts of low level radiation to induce true nausea in their audiences. Unfortunately, there don’t seem to be any true punk bands to left to which this could be sold.
CHILD CARE. Regulating the temperature of babies in incubation in hospitals after birth with nuclear radiation may help them develop in a more healthy way. POTENTIAL DRAWBACK: The public perception that the process is unsafe, even though the babies would not become radioactive as a result of the process. POSSIBLE BENEFIT: Babies so raised would probably be more tolerant of the other irradiated products described above.
Before we get too carried away by the scientific potential of the future, however, we need to confront a moral dilemma of the present: is it right to export technological processes to developing nations that have not yet been proven safe enough to use in Canada?
Do irradiated pigs have wings?