Curtain up on a small dining room. BOB sits at a table in the middle of the room, the remains of a fancy meal before him. The lights are low, with a candle burning down in the centre of the table. Bob is clearly alone. Bob takes a final mouthful of food and daintily wipes his mouth with a napkin. He smiles.
BOB: Well, I’m full. In fact, if I eat another bite, I’m sure I’ll explode. I’ll just explode! (titters) Did you enjoy the meal? (enthusiastic) Oh, yes! Very much! I’ve never had chicken done…quite that way before. (proud) My mother gave me that recipe when I was very young… (impressed) Really? It’s unusual for a man to be so involved in cooking… (boastful) I’m unusual in a lot of ways. Do you like Bob Marley? (surprised) Why, yes, I do. How did you know? (falsely modest) I thought you might. You see, I have a feel for people. Would you like some more wine? (hesitant) I’m not sure that I should… (insistent) Come on. One small glass of wine – how can it hurt? (thoughtful) I do have to go to work in the morning – no, I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check on the wine. (self-consciously cute) A wine check?
Bob laughs, then turns to face the audience.
BOB: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking Bob’s finally gone off the deep end, right? He isn’t playing with a full deck of computer cards. Well, it may look to you like I’m talking to myself, but I know exactly what I’m doing. You read a lot in the papers these days about sexually communicated diseases – not only that one! – the other, traditional ones, too. But, I can’t afford to contract a disease that would put me in hospital for an extended period of time – I have a career to think about! If I were to die, who would finish the payments on my Mercedes? Confronted with these questions, I realized that self love is the only truly safe love. And, I’ve been pursuing myself ever since.
Bob rises to address the audience as MUSIC starts.
BOB: You see…
(singing) I love romance
And, I love it, too
I love to dance
And, me, I do
Taking no chance
On someone new
I don’t know much about the new celibacy
I just know the best partner turned out to be me!
And I’ll have lots of fun
Having dinner for one
I never fight
I have no need
I’m always right
I’m always free
I’m a delight
Just being me
Not only am I safe and sound
But, there’s always enough food to go around
And, always enough fun
During dinner for one
(break; talking) I have something for you…
Bob goes over to a counter, picks up a card and looks at it adoringly.
BOB: For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have…no, really. It’s…it’s a beautiful card… (cheerfully) Happy Valentine’s Day!
(singing) The die’s been cast
Sex, I’m above
Emotions past
I don’t think of
For, at long last
I’ve found true love
Even if my nights are getting colder
I’ve no intention of getting bolder
As long as I have my fun
Eating dinner for one…
MUSIC abruptly ends as SOUND: telephone rings. Bob freezes, glaring at the telephone with suspicion. After three or four rings, he awkwardly picks it up.
BOB: H…hello?
PHYLLIS: (over phone) Hello, Bob? This is Phyllis. From the office?
BOB: (short) What do you want?
PHYLLIS: (over phone) No need to get huffy – I just thought – you know – we could get together some time…maybe have a few drinks…
BOB: (Frightened) No! We can’t! My…mother is staying with me – she…she’s dying!
PHYLLIS: (over phone) Oh. I’m so sorry.
BOB: That’s right. She’ll be dying for…the next few years. At least. Goodbye! (slams phone down) Phew – that was close. Now, where were I?
Curtain.