by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
The GWoD has asked the Vesampuccerian government to reconsider its GHO.
“It’s actually harming a lot of – wait, are you sure you got our name correct?” asked Fidelio Transaltabizex, President of the Global Health Organization.
I don’t think so. Made a mistake, I mean. I am a professional, you know! I think I would be able to keep the names of groups central to my article stra – oh, wait. You’re right. That first paragraph should have read: The GHO has asked the Vesampuccerian government to reconsider its GWoD. Dammit! In the next phase of the Global War on Nouns (GWoP), I hope acronyms are very high on the list!
“Me, now?” Transaltabizex asked.
Go for it.
“The Global War on Donuts is actually harming a lot of innocent people,” Transaltabizex went for it. Donut addicts will often share the boxes in which the donuts came; sometimes as many as seven or eight people will lick a box in order to get the last bits of sugar off of it. This leaves them highly susceptible to catching STDs – Saliva Transmitted Diseases. (I got the acronym right, this time, didn’t I? The Internet really is good for something other than haggis recipes!)
Around the world, users who share donut boxes are 28 times more likely to be infected by an STD than people who do not. Mind you, those are modern metric times, not old-fashioned imperial times, so you know that this is a serious statistic that you mess with at your own peril. Really. People have lost limbs taking on this statistic. Granted, they were old-fashioned imperial limbs, but I’m sure their loss was deeply felt nonetheless.
“If the STDs only killed donut users, nobody would care,” Transaltabizex stated. “In fact, a lot of people would want to give the donut dealers medals for public service. The public can be heartless bastards that way. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there: donut users kiss people who do not use donuts, spreading STDs throughout the general population. Especially if tongue is involved.”
To combat this, the GHO usually supports countries that have box exchange programmes (where donut users bring in their dirty containers and are given clean ones) and muffin clinics (because they offer a less addictive sugar high, muffins are often used in treatments intended to wean users off their donut addiction). Countries that use these and other methods have shown a 28 per cent drop in the transmission of STDs. And, those are Celsius percentage points, not old-fashioned Fahrenheit percentage points, so…they’re nothing to get hot and bothered over.
The GHO isn’t as active in support of relaxing the GWoD as it could be because some of its member nations are committed to the acronym. Russia (now calling itself the RSSR – the Resurgent Soviet Socialist Republics; it is known as PCCP in the RSSR because they like confusing the world community that way), for example, has no intention of softening its harsh laws against box exchanges and Muffin clinics.
“If PCCPians want to kill selves with drugs,” explained RSSRian Ambassador to the Fragmented Nations Vladimir Kuznetzblermovski, “they should guzzle vodka like fathers and fathers before them. Vodka is good method of slow motion suicide. Donuts? Pfeh! Donuts are imperialist American plot to undermine bad health habits Russians have taken centuries to perfect!”
When I asked about the white powder on his chin, Ambassador Kuznetzblermovski dabbed at it with the cover page of a Top Secret document that had been sitting on his desk and shrieked, “Is nothing! Is just cocaine! Is not powdered sugar! This interview is over!”
But the RSSR is just one country – what harm can it do? Plenty, sister! Not only can it block international spending on donut addiction programmes, but it can modify public information programmes. What was originally written as “Donut addiction is a disease, not a moral failing, and addicts deserve our support rather than condemnation,” can come out of a GHO committee reading “The quick brown fox jumped over the sleeping Comrade, WHO WOKE UP, HUNTED THE ANIMAL DOWN AND PUT HIM OUT OF EVERYBODY’S MISERY. Democratically and with the good of the masses in mind.”
“Is subtle difference,” Kuznetzblermovski smirked, “important only to Russian security officials and American academics. And, American academics not so much.”
Transaltabizex rolled his eyes. I was about to call an exorcist when he fully opened them again and concluded: “Donut addiction should not be considered a criminal matter. Really, it’s a public health issue. Except for Russia, parts of Africa and Alabama, I suppose. But, there is hope. Thanks to our education efforts, some African nations are slowly coming around…”